Finally, the time came when you met a man who suits you. You like everything in it, or almost everything. He makes you happy, and you are ready to tie your future life and destiny with him. However, in this idyll there is one thing, which certainly does not give you peace of mind - you know that the man already has a child. And, of course, this may lead you to think about how your marriage with him will be and how having a child will affect him. What problems you may encounter, and what mistakes you should not make.
The relationship between the second wife and the child from the first marriage is the most common problem that each family strives to cope with in its own way. However, you must understand the main thing - you need to respect the first wife of your man. And the sooner you can understand and accept it, the more chances that you will have a strong and stable marriage with this man. But if you decide to take a place that does not rightfully belong to you, conflicts and scandals may begin, and most likely such a marriage will soon end. In addition, when you already have common children, you should not try by all means to make them more important and more important for a man than a child from his first marriage.
What should be ready
You have probably heard that you can face very difficult situations when your man already has a child. But if you want to be with him you will have to show maximum patience and understanding in order for such issues to be resolved in a relaxed atmosphere.
- Inevitable financial expenses are waiting for you. A man will regularly spend some specific amount on his child. Of course, money is not superfluous, and you probably have ideas on where this very amount could be spent or what to postpone. And therefore, in order to avoid unnecessary disputes and conflicts on this matter, you need to discuss in advance with a man the specific amount that he will spend on the child.
- Of course, he will see the child. After all, no matter what, he remains his natural father, with whom the child needs to communicate. And this means that he will devote some part of his time to the child. In order to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings in such a situation, one should immediately determine which days, and approximately, at what time he will see his child. This will help you avoid many problems.
- He will communicate with his ex-wife, because she is the mother of his child. Therefore, you should not be surprised if she or the child himself will call him with various requests and questions. This means that you should just accept this and take it for granted.
- Virtually no woman can avoid jealousy towards a man. And you will be jealous not for other women, but for his child. After seeing how he plays with his child, you can one day just catch yourself thinking that you are jealous of him. Therefore, if you want to maintain a relationship with this man and your family, you should overcome this feeling and try to deal with it somehow.
You must understand that if you accept a man, you accept him entirely with his past, including the child from his first marriage. Of course, you will need a lot of wisdom and patience. However, the only way you can keep your relationship with this man.
If the child lives with you
There are situations when a child from his first marriage lives with a man. And that means you have to live with him. In such a situation it is quite difficult to find a common language with the child. However, listening to a few tips, you can communicate with your child's man.
- Try to make so that for some time your man and his child spent time alone, that is, without you. For example, you can send them to the cinema, cafe or zoo. If they want to do something at home, you can say that you go shopping. And you should not do all this obsessively, so that the man and the child will not suspect that you are specifically looking for an excuse to run away from them, because you find it unpleasant and not interesting to be near them.
- No need to try to bribe a child with something. After all, children feel even better than adults when they want to be deceived. There is nothing wrong with the fact that you want to present a gift to a child. And if you want to do it sincerely, he will definitely feel it. But he will also feel if you fill him up with gifts and sweets almost every day in order to win his sympathy. Show attention to the child only sincerely and you yourself will notice how he will begin to treat you the same way.
- Do not be afraid and do not hesitate to talk heart to heart with your man. Honestly admit to him that you would really like to make friends with his child, but for some reason for some reason you are not good at it. Ask him what he thinks you are doing wrong. What exactly should you do in order to establish a relationship with your child. Let your man see that you are well-disposed and that you are worried about the lack of an established relationship between you and his child. It is possible that he will be the conductor who will help establish a connection between you and the child.
- Not only your man needs to be alone with his child, but you also. Try to send your man somewhere for some time. And while he is not at home, talk to the child. You can ask him for help, ask him for some advice, or even trust some small secret. The main thing you need to make it clear to the child that you are not at all inclined against him, that you trust him and want him to trust you as well.
No need to put pressure on the child and expect a lot from him. Time must pass before he realizes and accepts the situation. If you still fail to make contact, you can contact a psychologist for help. He will give you a lot of advice on how best to establish a good relationship with your man’s child. Of course you should not expect that you will become with him literally best friends. Yes, you do not need it. After all, in order for the family to have peace it is enough to establish just good relations between each other.
One of the most frequent problems - This is the relationship of second wives with children from their first marriage and their mothers. Two women (first and second wives) often cannot divide a man and his free time. A significant part of negative emotions goes to the child from the first marriage, since it is he who becomes the apple of discord. Today we will talk about how all participants in the process build relationships so that children do not suffer from “adult games” and what needs to be done to save the second marriage.
EVERYONE HAS YOUR PLACE
Kirill, 32 years:
“I have a seven-year-old son from my first marriage, whom I took to live with me from last summer, according to his wishes. The first wife married a man whom the child does not perceive. At that moment I was already married a second time. My wife is not thrilled and has now declared that if we do not have a child, she will leave. We have been married for two years. I am afraid that my son will feel his uselessness, and I am tired of being torn between a child and a wife. ”
Alena, 25 years old:
“Our boy is one and a half years old. The husband is the second marriage and there is a child from the first marriage, a girl of twelve years. We constantly quarrel only because of her. Reasons: he lives in two families, can not say goodbye to his first wife, she constantly calls him, with or without occasion. It seems to him that I am “wrong” to treat his daughter, when asked what is wrong, is silent. He works late, leaves early and on the only day off requires me not to interfere with spending time with my daughter, wants to leave somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and a husband, I now have tantrums. My husband wants to divorce me because of his first daughter. ”
These two letters are a look from different sides on the same problem: tensions in the triangle “first wife - second wife - man”. Let's try to understand the situation, and for this we need to introduce the concept of "family system", and otherwise - kind. What is it? The family system is like a family tree, if you draw it on paper. It includes:
- the person whose system we draw;
- all his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock of parents;
- his parents, their brothers and sisters and their families, as well as grandparents;
- spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love affair, due to the separation with which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or an interruption of pregnancy was made).
So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If you look at the drawn scheme (see journal)It becomes obvious that everyone has their place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives has its own place in the system. And common children from the first marriage, too, forever in its place. As well as the children from the second marriage - in its place.
Talking about this system, I deliberately do not use the definition of “ex” wife, since there are no “ex” in the family system, it includes all of its members, even those who have died. And wives and husbands have places in it: first, second, third. But not as on the podium, but only talking about the order of appearance in it.
When people get divorced, they cease to be husband and wife, but forever remain the first husband and first wife in the family system common to them. And also they will forever remain parents of their children. The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who was already before him. This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - under the second number. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding and the woman tries to be in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage sooner or later falls apart.
The same situation with children. If a spouse does not respect children from her first marriage and wants common children to be “higher” for her man, then this is a great pride, which will lead to divorce. The first child will always be the first. Subsequent children have their own places. Trying to “push through” your child to a place that does not belong to him is to dig a pit of marriage with your own hands. This is a recommendation for Alena, the heroine of one of our stories. Want to save the marriage - respect the first wife, the eldest child. Let your husband decide for himself how much he communicates with her. Some people start to panic when they hear such a recommendation. “Yes, he is completely unbelted! He will only spend time there, if I will not hold him back! ”They say. But in fact, this is not the case at all. If a person tries to tie, then he will try to escape. And the one who is free should not break, and the system comes into a comfortable equilibrium: a man is happy to devote time to the child from his first marriage, and the second family.
A man in this situation can recommend the following: do not succumb to provocations and manipulations. For example, in the history of Cyril, his wife claims to be roles that he has no right to occupy. Only a woman’s respect for the first wife and the first child will make the marriage stable. If not - parting is only a matter of time and patience.
A second marriage is always possible only at the expense of the first. Especially in those cases where the relationship that led to the second marriage begins as early as the first one. For the new marriage to take shape, the spouses need to admit their part of the blame for the fact that their happiness is possible only at the expense of the first wife and children (and also at the expense of the first husband, if the woman was also married). Such recognition should grow into respect. Sometimes it is very difficult, because an abandoned woman says and does something that is difficult to respect for her. But it is understood that this is from despair. At this moment, the second wives and husbands with relief think: “If she behaves this way, then we are not guilty of anything and it’s right that the divorce has occurred. Is it possible to live with such a person? ”But this thought is very dangerous. Respect for the first wife should be preserved, and then, sooner or later, it will bring its dividends.
Olga, 24 years old:
“My young man has been divorced for six months already, they have a little boy of 1.5 years. He loves the child very much and comes there every Sunday, plays with him, helps financially. I am not against their visits with my son, but his ex-wife still loves him. She always calls him herself, asks if he will come to them for the weekend, constantly writes him all sorts of nonsense, what happens to the child, how he got up and fell, what he chewed, where he crawled. Every way it gets! It really annoys me. It seems that when he comes to them, she rejoices more for herself than for her son. He also says that he will wait as long as necessary. It seems that all the time she is trying to find a crack in our relationship and destroy, embroil us. He in every way comforts me, swears that he will never return to her, that he loves only me and no one else is needed, that I am an ideal for him. But I still do not find a place for myself when he is there. ”
So, we have before us the standard, if I may say so, experiences typical of second wives or new girlfriends of men. How to behave in relation to the first wife and children from the first marriage in order to maintain a relationship with your beloved man?
1 You must take a husband along with past marriages and children from them. The past is such a thing that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, it means that you do not accept him completely (“I love it, but I don’t love it here”). You knew about the past of the husband and are obliged to live, considering it.
2 It must be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to take care of your psychological well-being. She has her own truth, she does not care about your feelings, she will not take them into account, and you shouldn’t hope for a single minute.
3 If you have aggression towards it, then this feeling is a fault that you do not allow yourself to release to the fore. It was she who was affected in this situation. Only at her expense and at the expense of their common child do you build your relationships. Treat this with responsibility and respect.
4 The first wife and your husband have the right to communicate about the upbringing of their children. Moreover, they must do this in order to preserve the well-being of children. The first wife has the right to call your home, tell her father about what is happening to them, and ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.
5 Do not limit your spouse to communicate with children from the first marriage. Try to establish communication with children, but it is communication, and not just zadarivanie gifts, sweets and entertainment. It may be that the first wife will be against the child communicating with you. This is especially true in the first year after a divorce. Do not insist and do not be offended, let your father communicate independently.
6 Remember that a man who, in order to please the second wife, stops all communication with the first wife and children, is not independent and slave. Someday he may do the same to you. It is much better when a man in a second marriage takes a strong fatherly position in relation to children from his first marriage and knows how to build “civilized” communication with his first wife.
7 If children are born in your marriage, you should not demand that they be something more important for him than the first. Often women say: "But now we need you more than he (the first child)." You have no right to demand that they occupy a place that is already taken. The place of the first child is already taken, your child has his own place. The father should be able to communicate equally with his own children, and with your common ones.
Books
B. Hellinger
“And in the middle it will be easy for you,” “The orders of love,” “The source does not need to ask the way.”
Often a child is just an excuse in the struggle of the “past” and “present”. A man is in the middle, acting as a "main prize". Some people like it, but as a rule, this role is extremely uncomfortable for a man. If the struggle goes beyond reasonable limits, the second marriage will be under threat, but the first wife will not score points. And most importantly, in this relationship, children suffer from both the first marriage and the second.
To build relationships with both women, to preserve the second marriage and the well-being of children, the following tips can be offered to men:
1 entering into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although you have ceased to be spouses);
2 treat with respect the first wife, no matter what actions she did in the first time after your separation;
3 Try to develop and maintain the desire of the second wife to communicate with your children from the first marriage. It is good when this communication develops, but you should not demand great love and attitude towards your children as you would your own. Give your wife compliments, mark all successful attempts to establish communication with the child;
4 Try to make the relationship "transparent." Often, second wives are jealous of the first, for fear of restoring relationships, therefore they try to limit communication with children from their first marriage. In your power to convince the new wife that she is for you now - the main woman. Being sure that you treat the first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much more comfortable with both the children and the former wife;
5 you need to understand that the second wife will never treat the children of her husband from his first marriage the same way as his own. This will again be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but by a man. In the family system of the second wife, her child will be first for her, and the man’s child will be only a side branch from his first marriage;
6 if a child is born in a second marriage, the man often worries: will the firstborn not consider himself unnecessary. It is enough for him to say: "You will always be the first for me." Thus, you will designate its role in the hierarchy of your children, the “first” in this case is not a synonym for the word “main”. But it helps the child to calm down and feel needed.
All recommendations are based on the system-logical approach and the method of family arrangements of Bert Hellinger. The main thing that needs to be understood is that the burden of guilt is disguised as pride and rejection of past relationships. On this occasion, B. Hellinger writes: “New relations succeed best if new partners admit their guilt, and also understand that it is impossible to do without guilt here. Then relationships acquire another depth, and there are less illusions. ”
The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that they will be less happy.
So, you have learned that your man has a child or even several children. What to do? Yes, in principle, nothing. From you, the only thing that is required is the answer: do you want to continue to communicate with this man, and, accordingly, to get acquainted once with his small copies
Leave the rest to the will of the man, thus you can understand his intentions about your relationship. In addition, any person should understand that where the child lives, his mother often lives. So, you should not immediately be enthusiastic to take the place of the mother, as you will be defeated in any case. Your task is to decide and wait.
Having children at your chosen one should not shock you in modern society. Unfortunately, no one has canceled the break of former lovers, if they have a child.
But, fortunately, if this had not happened, you would never have met your boyfriend.
You must understand that it will be somewhat difficult for a man to introduce you to his child. Firstly, this is due to the fact that the baby can then tell his mom that "a new aunt has appeared at his dad's house". And this is fraught with some consequences: the former wife does not want your man to meet with his child in front of you, or will demand that he begin to pay any additional cash benefits. In general, allow your man to somehow settle the matter with his ex-wife, in order to freely introduce you to his child.
The next moment, which is important in your relationship with an accomplished father, but your possible future husband, is his desire to introduce you to his child.
The fact is that a man who understands that he is not ready to start a family with you will not rush to get to know you and his children, so as not to encounter the problems described above. Why create a storm once again, if you are not worth it? If a man tries in any way to organize a meeting of his child with you, it means that his intentions regarding you are serious, as he is ready for what his ex-wife can arrange. Since he has taken such a risky step, it means that he loves you and sees his future with you!
It should again be recalled that you do not need to become a mother for the child of your chosen one, unless he lives with his father. In the presence of a real mother, the baby does not need an additional mother - you only harm yourself. And about the acquaintance of the child with you do not insist, leave it to the will of the father.
If he is going to introduce you, it means that you are close to a serious man..
If not, then it is better to take a closer look at the intentions of your cavalier than to insist on meeting someone else’s baby.