You need to build relationships. How to build relationships with relatives and loved ones

With a loved one, husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, the first step is to determine what exactly you would like to change in your relationship with your loved one. What, in your opinion, is lacking in your partner's behavior in order to make the relationship enjoyable and make you happy. Vague phrases such as “I miss your attention”, “I wish you thought more and cared for me”, “You could have spent more time on me” will not work.

EXPRESS your desires in a positive way.

It is very important to correctly and clearly express your feelings and desires, so that the loved one has a "guide to action." Specific formulations allow you to measure the result. It is also important that you express your desires in a positive way (without the "not" particle) and give a detailed description of the desired behavior. For example, if you want your partner to devote more time to you, then you can express your desire as follows: "I want us to have a romantic dinner once a week." The negative demand: "You are not paying attention to me" should be formulated more specifically and in a positive way: "I would like you to ask me how my day was." By articulating your needs and desires in this way, you are helping to build relationships with your partner without blaming or manipulating your partner.

If you have been in a relationship with your loved one for a long time, then, for sure, during your communication, you both have accumulated some unspoken resentment, bitterness, distrust, fear. But in order for something to start changing in your relationship with your partner, the first step is to try to create an atmosphere of trust, productive cooperation and positive expectations. When you shift the focus of your attention to the positive aspects of your partner's behavior, then each of you begins to look at the current problems in communication in a new way, realizes your responsibility for problems in the relationship.

TECHNIQUE "Behavioral exchange".

Do you want to build a relationship with your loved one? Try a technique called behavioral exchange in behavioral therapy, which means that one partner gives something to gain or enhance the other's desired behavior. The goal of behavioral exchange is to reduce or eliminate unwanted behavior and replace it with desirable behavior. Behavioral exchange includes two main procedures (J. Brown, D. Christensen "Theory and practice of family psychotherapy"):

SEX and tenderness.

If you are serious about building relationships, you can make a list of the most important behaviors, including categories such as showing affection, sexual relations, discussing issues and problems together, joint activities and leisure, household chores, discussing family budget, personal habits and hobbies. , work, education, independence.

EXCHANGE OF BENEFITS

Try to make a list of “benefit sharing”, discuss it, analyze it with your loved one, and come to a compromise. After that, you can go to the list of what each partner will do and for how long. Thus, you conclude a kind of contract in the family, according to which changes, for example, the husband become a condition for changing the wife, and if one partner complies with the terms of the contract, then the other must fulfill his obligations. With successful practice of "behavioral exchange", everyone gets more benefits with less cost.

DAYS of caring for each other.

Another way to improve your relationship with your loved one is through caring for each other days. On caring days, each partner does their best to show concern for the other. You can discuss (or express in writing) with the family in advance what behaviors would be most desirable for you and how you would like your partner to take care of you. The great thing about Caring Days is that the people you love learn to express their desires and needs instead of waiting for the other to figure them out. On caring days, it is best not to try to resolve conflict issues, as you will not be able to “resolve” differences before you build relationships with each other. To make the "care days" more productive, you can make a list of pleasant behaviors, which can include items such as "call me", "stroke me", "give me a massage", "make me a delicious dinner", "give me flowers" etc. It is advisable to discuss all points with your partner to make sure that he (s) correctly understood your desire. When the list is drawn up, you can agree. The contract might sound like this: demonstrate three types of pleasant behavior every day. An important condition: everyone should take care regardless of the other's responses. This is a very important condition, since if everyone cares about the other only if a positive reaction follows, that means. that neither partner takes responsibility for improving family or couple relationships. Caring days are very effective and helpful in building trust and intimacy in a relationship.

If you are ready for a new relationship, come and get acquainted at the “RG Quick Date” party!

After a fight, people can become so angry and feel betrayed that rebuilding the relationship seems almost impossible. It is very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship without disagreement. The balance between quarrels and reconciliation is not easy and a lot depends on your perception. Learn to resolve conflicts for the common good and move in a positive direction.

Steps

Part 1

Deal with the consequences of an argument

1. Distance yourself. In the heat of a scandal or in the aftermath of a conflict, it is difficult to see the situation in its true light. The person with whom you quarreled is perceived as "worse than ever" and his every action looks like a kind of defensive initiative. Try to distance yourself a little from the argument so that you can clearly see the situation and the person. Take a couple of steps back and look at them from a different angle. It may be that you should weaken your critical perception and accept responsibility for your "contribution" to the quarrel.

   • Focus on yourself, not your partner. Can you appreciate your own feelings of guilt, shame, or fear? How are your inner demons affecting relationships?

2. Discuss accumulated feelings. Without starting another fight, discuss feelings, situations, and other factors that caused the disagreement. Pay special attention to your feelings. How did you feel before the conflict? And during a quarrel? Ask similar questions to the other person and talk openly about your feelings.

   • Before an argument, you might feel tired, alone, hungry, or depressed. It is likely that you experienced stress at work or school and came home with this feeling.
   • During an argument, you may feel neglected, attacked, defensive, misunderstood, fearful, depressed, ashamed, or lacking in love.

3. Restore missing parts. With this person, discuss aspects that were overlooked during an argument. Is there a misunderstanding? Was there an erroneous assumption? You could not convey to the interlocutor what you meant (or vice versa)? Why did the conversation turn into a conflict and did not return to the conversation? What provoked the discord?

   • Think about how to build rapport in the future and not jump to conclusions. What lessons can be learned from the last disagreement?

4. Recognize the importance of each other. For a second, forget about the subject of the argument and acknowledge each other's feelings. Listen carefully to the interlocutor. Don't interrupt or rush to express your own opinion. Let him complete every thought. Loosen your defenses and let the person into your heart. Discuss both views of the situation and remember that there are no "wrong" opinions.

   • For example, a quarrel could arise on the basis of money, but the partner was provoked by the fear of a lack of funds and he flared up. Instead of arguing over money, acknowledge your partner's fear and acceptability.

5. Take responsibility. Acknowledge your "contribution" to the fight. Agree that you blamed your partner, said rudeness or made conclusions based on only part of the information. Admit that you closed out emotionally, flared up from scratch, took out stress on your partner, or took it for granted. Take responsibility for what you say and do, but do not reproach.

   • Say: “I understand that in many ways I provoked our quarrel. I have been working late all this time and am in constant stress from this, so I lost it. I haven’t got enough sleep for several weeks, so I’m so sensitive and irritable, so it all poured oil into the fire".

6. Sorry. Forgiving gives us a sense of freedom and allows us to let go of grievances or resentments. If you harbor a grudge, there can be physical and emotional consequences.

   • Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting and pretending nothing happened. To forgive is to let go of the situation and move on.

   Part 2

   Fix maladaptive behavior

   1. Avoid a cycle of demands and rejections. Demands and refusals are a common pattern of behavior in relationships: one person raises an issue (cleaning the house, finances, or taking care of children), and the other immediately shirks responsibility (crosses his arms, immediately refuses to listen). If the nature of the quarrels is constantly repeated, then learn to prevent them at an early stage. For example, if a refusal manifests itself in the form of crossed arms, then recognize this development and try to take a different approach. Offer to take a break and return to the conversation after you are ready to hit it off.

      • If you notice this behavior, then say: “I don’t want this conversation going around in circles over and over again. Let's stop, think about the situation and then continue.”

   2. Express your feelings. Get rid of the habit of blaming the person so that he does not feel the need to defend himself. The phrase "It's a pity I never saw you at the party yesterday" sounds quite different from the words "Why didn't you come yesterday? Where were you?" Focus on yourself, not the other person. Formulate and express your feelings openly. It might seem more natural to blame others, but it's better to speak in the first person and express your own feelings.

      • For example, if you are angry, then instead of "I can't believe you did this, what stupidity and carelessness" it would be better to say "I am in great pain, I just cannot understand your actions."

   3. Develop self-control. Learn to control yourself when you want to explode, blame a person, or get hung up on negative thoughts. Find ways to ease your negative emotions and control yourself. Practice mindfulness, notice the transition to negative thinking, learn to recognize the hidden causes of behavior and ways to release negative emotions.

      • If you notice a negative thought or emotion, then turn your attention to the body. Where exactly do you feel the negative? Try to relax that part of your body. How does relaxation affect your thoughts and feelings?

   4. Change your behavior. Sometimes it is not the person himself that upsets us, but his behavior. It is better not to dwell on who is "right" or "to blame", but to think about the nature of the behavior. It may turn out that quarrels are often associated with a certain moment (before the visit to the parents) or a situation (the day of payment for the apartment). Try not to be angry with the person, but to change your behavior.

      • If you are in conflict over dirty dishes, say: "I noticed that we often fight over unwashed dishes. I'm tired of scandals. Can we try to solve the problem differently?"

   5. Recognize the differences. Some things are simply impossible to accept, as well as to agree in views on certain situations. Accept the differences between you without criticism or blame. Realize that you can love your partner despite all the differences. There is no such person in the world who will agree with you in everything. Learn to discuss the drivers behind specific differences and the impact on them. Understand and accept the fact that some things simply cannot be changed.

      • For example, you may have certain political views based on your upbringing, experiences, or beliefs. Explain this to your partner and let him express his opinion about the situation. Accept your partner despite all the differences between you.

   Part 3

   Repair the relationship

   1. Trust. This is an important aspect of a relationship. You can always build trust between partners. If the person is depressed, then try to understand him and not push him away. Learn to respond gently, kindly, openly, empathetically, and understanding. Pay close attention to times when you want to do something but your partner needs help. In such a situation, it is better to postpone your desires and support your partner.

      • If your partner is sad, find out why. Little by little, show concern and trust, be there and do not close your eyes even to the little things.

   2. Share your experiences. Consider if there is a place for shame in your relationship. You or your partner may be ashamed of your behavior, or try to shame each other during an argument. Better to avoid shame in your relationship. Talk about it. Feelings of guilt or shame are not conducive to positive behavior or change.

      • Discuss your worries about the relationship to relieve fear, shame, or guilt. Share your look and reach out to your partner.

Reading time: 3 minutes

Asking the question of improving relationships in a couple, and specifically how to improve relationships with their husbands, many greatly complicate the existing situation, often forgetting about simple rules that help normalize any interaction. Before you take offense and conclude that you are not being listened to or ignored, try to assess the adequacy of your own speech. Women are prone to a figurative, emotional and long storytelling, among which men are usually lost, and do not understand which piece of information to react to, because it is physically impossible to react to all then.

Building relationships after an argument

By freeing your speech from hints, trying to express as concretely and concisely as possible, as well as by the fact that you stop believing in a man's ability to read your thoughts and guess desires, you can avoid many. This is due to the fact that women tend to be silent for a long time, take offense, invent and eventually make a scandal, instead of clearly identifying the problem when necessary. The difference in the functioning of the brain also leaves an imprint on the perception of information, so a friend will understand you instantly, thinking in similar schemes, and a man can stand with a surprised face for a long time. The responsibility for communication lies with both partners, it is not enough just to wait to be understood correctly, you also need to make efforts to convey your opinion in the most understandable way.

Keep track of the availability of personal time and space, periodic distance between you, because constant contact with even the most beloved is tiring. A person needs time for solitude and going about their business, a pause is needed to switch, returning home. Not getting these short rests can be frustrating and annoying, even if you're trying to help and cheer. If your contact from the threshold is filled with claims, grievances and problems, then the natural arising desire is only to hide or to stop the contact that sucks vitality.

How to improve relationships with your husband after a quarrel? Try not to rush - the advice is relevant for many situations in interaction and building your own life. Do not rush to conclusions about the actions and decisions of another person, after all, it may turn out that everything will work out, but the fact that you do not give support or even criticize will instill distrust and discourage any desire to share. Do not rush him to make a decision or somehow change the situation, because your own level of anxiety is off scale. A person functions in the rhythm in which it is convenient for him, moreover, when making a decision, a man usually analyzes and compares significantly more factors than a woman, which requires additional time.

Questions concerning feelings generally require a separate state in the male world, since in order to rebuild on the wave of the emotional, they need to put the entire logical process-analysis aside, for which there are not so often opportunities. By pushing and hurrying, you can get an answer aimed at making you finally shut up or taken from the ceiling, although more often you will hear a formidable growl, conveying to you the meaning that at the moment the man is not ready to answer. Do not rush in your life yourself, give time for impulsiveness to step aside with making promises, accepting elections and taking significant actions, observe the situation a little more so that there is no anecdotal situation where the wife got herself a new man because her husband left, and went to the garage for an hour.

Do not try to change your spouse, believing that then the relationship will improve, if there is a crack in them, then raising him, as if in a children's group, will cause protest and rejection, which will further aggravate the situation. Change your reactions, trying to reduce the level of tension in your interaction, this can be done by replacing the strategy of demand and criticism with feedback and praise (just do not overdo it and do not change dramatically - men are sensitive to the slightest changes, and if they are serious, then rather will be alert and tense, and will not go towards you).

In general, instead of focusing on the other's shortcomings and problems in the relationship, shift the focus a little to yourself, since taking care of herself and completely immersing herself in establishing contact, a woman risks only making things worse. She makes titanic efforts, catches the slightest changes in aura and facial expressions, while she herself loses resources, not receiving recharge and begins to demand and press without even realizing it, because she expects dividends from the invested efforts, but they all do not come. The trick is that they won't come through force, since a relaxed person can create a relaxed atmosphere, a filled person can share, and a hungry and angry person can only press and demand. So look for ways to restore your own emotional balance and sources of spiritual fulfillment, during this time the relationship will not fall apart, but maybe on the contrary will revive, having received a breath of freedom.

While the relationship has just begun, even in the most terrible quarrels, you will not have the thought that it will always be this way or even worse, but over time, when the main points of the innovation are passed, something is settled, and you and your spouse have completely stopped hiding from each other their negative qualities comes an inevitable crisis of relations and the question of how to establish family relations with her husband becomes relevant even for those who assured that this is not about them. Stabilizing relationships during a crisis, when your marriage is shaking, as if the plane in a turbulent zone requires a change in the general way of communication, but in addition to this, you still need to deal with the causes of the crisis and discontent with what is happening.

The most common reason is boredom, everyday life, habit. Judge for yourself, all the innovations that could have already happened - you celebrated all possible holidays together in various combinations of relatives and friends, you were in hospitals and closed cucumbers. Opportunities to gain new experience are simply exhausted by the repetition of situations, in addition, over a long time you have studied each other enough, you know what you can expect, but you have not discovered new and amazing things in your soul mate for a long time. Spend everyday life the same, even sex becomes more routine. Shaking up the relationship will help bring romance into them or find a new hobby together - you can go on a date again, instead of an evening in front of the TV, or you can buy a couple of bicycles and explore the surroundings.

The spouse's shortcomings begin to emerge more and more brightly, and the merits seem to evaporate, because the longer we communicate, the less we build a positive character in front of the spouse, we relax and appear as we are. The difference in the perception of how everything should have been agreed upon together, as concretely and openly as possible, i.e. it's better to communicate that you need conversations at dinner, and then help with washing dishes, and not an abstract phrase about the desire for more attention. It is impossible to strive to reshape behavior and emotional reactions, just like life habits and attitudes in an adult, and you should not try to do this with your own husband. But swallowing things that are not suitable for your life concept will have a deplorable effect, report it after the fact, and specify as much as possible what you do not like. Try to avoid threatening phrases and intonations - your task is not to intimidate, but to inform your husband about how you can in such a situation and leave his further behavior at his discretion, but notifying about the possible consequences.

At the border of the crisis or already in it, it is important to understand how to improve relations, while trying not to find out all the problems accumulated and expressed during the scandal immediately after the storm. It is necessary to choose a suitable time, perhaps after a few hours or days, so that emotions subside and there is an opportunity to discuss mutual claims, desires and proposals. You should not start deep topics, especially concerning feelings and relationships, when a man dropped in for lunch, just returned or is about to leave. Offers to talk "about us" plunges many men into a state of rage in advance, because for them this means a lot of text and details that are tiring, lack of specifics and proposals for permission, as well as hopelessness, since his last attempt to make his woman happy by asking what she wants , ends up devaluing "nothing".

If you want to discuss problems with a man or just make your relationship warmer, then speak clearly and concisely (“I want to walk with you every Saturday”), remembering to offer options that would suit you, and not placing all the responsibility on your husband (“ for example, let's go to the sports ground together in the morning or to the cinema in the evening ”). Accept his proposals or disagreements, otherwise this is an authoritarian style of your autocratic rule, and not an equal relationship between two individuals who value each other.

If, having tried to independently find contact and ways of developing relationships in a constructive direction, you did not succeed, then contact a specialist, ideally it will be family therapy, but if your spouse refuses to attend classes, you can go to an individual psychotherapeutic session. The effect will also be and the model of your interaction will change, since a married couple is a system, and when one component of the system changes, the second changes automatically, otherwise they will not be able to interact.

Relationships on the verge of divorce

It is quite difficult to establish a relationship striving for divorce, but with the appropriate and internal forces it is a completely feasible idea, but is it worth doing when the situation has taken such a critical turn? Such cracks do not come suddenly, and different recovery tactics should be chosen from the reasons that gave rise to the idea of \u200b\u200bdiverging.

The hot temper of a spouse can lead to a pre-divorce state, and if it is expressed in constant quarrels and clarification of relations, then it is still possible to reanimate the situation by understanding the reasons and normalizing the state of the psyche. But if hot temper gives rise to insults and humiliation, assault and restriction of a woman's freedom, then divorce will help to get a quiet life in most cases, and not attempts to adjust to her husband and normalize relations. The behavior of a spouse aimed at humiliating a woman leads to a decrease in self-esteem, the development of a depressive state and suicidal thoughts, the continuation of such an appeal even after a few comments means that such an interaction is habitual and acceptable in his picture of the world. This also includes the polygamous behavior of men, with an open expression of sympathy for other women with a wife, the presence of a mistress. In such a relationship, if you agree to periodically return such a period in order to preserve the family, it is worth consulting with a therapist specializing in family relationships.

If such critical cases have nothing to do with you, then you can work on establishing interactions. In order to understand how to improve relations with your husband after a quarrel, causing ideas about divorce, you need to delve a little into the mechanics of the process. The presence of serious scandals indicates strong feelings, primarily for you, and this is far from indifference, because we do not shout at strangers as we do at loved ones. Touching something inside a person, you cause a violent reaction, it grows and it is precisely when the fuses in the psyche burn out and there is a threat that with an increase in the degree of intensity of passions the person will not stand, he chooses to break off the contact. To give up everything, to divorce, to stop communicating is the only possible reaction to save the integrity of something extremely important in one's own psyche. By stepping back a little, showing that you are not going to reshape anything in the human soul, you can reduce the level of emotional stress. If, on the contrary, start to climb with requests to tell why the person is hiding, to assure that you will carefully handle trusted information, if they trust you now, will lead to an increase in passion and acceleration of the divorce process.

Listen to your spouse, just talking about a desire to improve relations with your husband on the verge of divorce is not enough, you need to be attentive to his thoughts on this matter, because your goal is to normalize interaction, and not to handcuff a person for the sake of formal joint finding. When expressing your own complaints, be prepared to hear about your impartial character traits, and it will be honest to take into account the wishes of your partner if you want your comments to be taken into account. Crises mercilessly push people to divorce. But they only push those who think that everything should be good a priori and not change, but relationships require daily mental work, self-reflection and change, they are far from static and include both fireworks of joy and the months of the Antarctic cold. When a high-quality and open dialogue is established between the spouses, most of the problems do not disappear from the relationship, but it lends itself to solving and does not develop into an insurmountable lump that has been gathering for years.

Try to add positive moments to your life together, but remember about personal space. In a pre-divorce state, frequent and deep contact can be difficult, so all your interactions should be short and easy. It is better not to travel on a liner for married couples - the space is closed, there is nowhere to go, the presence of happy couples will provoke constant comparisons. It is quite possible to take tickets for a concert of the group you both love and it is better in some club than in a hall with seats - this will make it possible to remember general topics, will not force you to communicate if there is no desire (and in the club, moving and communicating with others look pretty organically), and you can leave at any time. Using this analogy, come up with a positive pastime according to your situation and preferences, but sometimes you need to speak honestly and openly when you feel that the level of tension has decreased slightly.

Building relationships after cheating

People have different attitudes towards cheating, and if it is impossible for someone to forgive her, then someone will simply be upset, but will not change their lives, allowing the same, either to themselves or to their partner. But having made a decision to continue the relationship with her husband after infidelity, it is worthwhile to understand that to normalize the interaction, it will not be enough to simply apologize and discuss the situation, since infidelity is the visible tip of the iceberg, it is usually preceded by a discord in the family system and it is often thanks to adultery that the family is preserved as a form , otherwise unmet needs and mutual accusations or indifference would tear the family completely apart.

To protect yourself from revenge and lust for power by manipulating what has happened, making the husband forever apologetic, and because of this, dancing to the mood of his wife, it is worth realizing a few points. He voluntarily decided to stay with you, the myth that it is possible to take or return a man by force has long lost all vitality, and you, in turn, voluntarily accepted him back, if you cannot forgive, then you should not continue the relationship. Based on these two simple postulates, it turns out that you are valuable and significant to each other, which is a separate incentive to normalize relations.

If it is still in your power, then do not spread information about what happened, because if you can forgive, then the benevolent public will constantly remind you and not in the most flattering interpretations. It is unlikely that someone will admire your joint ability to maintain the warmth of a relationship, having gone through even this, rather to throw mud at your husband, and call you a fool. With a strong onslaught of public opinion, you can really believe in all the facts provided and begin to act in accordance with their recommendations, but life is yours. But to stand on the other edge of the opposite, hiding the fact and in every possible way denying it from those who know is also not worth it, they can be correctly asked not to raise this topic once again, justifying it by the fact that you feel unpleasant during the discussion.

How to improve relations with your husband after his betrayal? The spouse must be sure to convey his condition, hold on, stoically pretending that you are so cool and self-confident that it did not hurt you in any way. He should be aware of what happened to you, show it as early as possible, and brightly and quickly (it is better to throw a vase at him once and cry for an hour than not talking for a month and not letting you touch yourself for a year). Be sure to discuss what happened and decide together how you will live next. This can be a plan of action or the development of a certain behavior. You can agree on intimacy or demand not to communicate with your mistress, perhaps negotiate compensation and the speed of gradual rapprochement. When discussing later life, be guided by your current state, voice your needs and warn about your changed attitude towards something, because without notification, a man may wonder why you jump.

If we look at it from the point of view of the theory of relationships, then betrayal is a kind of cry of the relationship for help, when people did not pay attention to smaller moments. When the relationship ends, they end quietly, simply fading away, and if a third appears in them, but then the previous partner is still chosen, then it may be coldness, remoteness, the inability to satisfy something significant, for example, the love and value of this person. It is ideal to deal with the unconscious motives of betrayal and the wife should also reconsider her behavior for the presence of unconscious actions that push the man into the arms of another. People may deliberately want the opposite, but family messages are major behavioral drivers that begin in childhood. It is rather problematic to find and change them on your own, since such beliefs live in the unconscious and act from there. or an individual one will help to establish relations for spouses without unnecessary circular walks, but with an acute reluctance or lack of opportunity to seek help, you can try to figure out the reasons yourself.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"

Greetings to all! Today I want to tell you how to improve relations with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article served, which was supported by my readers.

I asked them to email me about their relationship problems and, based on their responses, I tried to present in this article the most common relationship problems in couples. I also drew on my past mistakes in life with my wife. From these mistakes I drew conclusions, which I will gladly share in these rules.

Rule 1 - Take responsibility for yourself

We've all heard a lot about the importance of being able to take responsibility in a relationship. And what disasters does it lead to when partners begin to push the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame the circumstances for everything.

But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting my guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to fix what happened through your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply surrender to difficulties, give up. "It's not my fault, so I can't do anything about it!"

But to take responsibility means to come to the conviction: "Yes, it happened because of me, so I can influence it!"

I understand how hard it can be to admit to your partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it’s most difficult to do this when your pride is hurt. But if you do not do this, then you will turn away from the problem and it will hang, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.

You subconsciously think that by admitting mistakes, you are showing weakness. But in fact, accepting responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it's much easier to blame someone else than to admit your mistake! The desire to point out the true causes of the problem and correct them, even if you created these reasons, is a sign of true courage and wisdom.

Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe it goes much further than many of you are used to thinking. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.

If your wife pissed you off with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in return, then not only the wife is to blame for starting to accuse you unfairly, but you. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and brought you to a scandal, although you could have solved the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can make you angry, irritated and lose your temper. Only you lose your temper.

If your husband does not want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think, maybe you pressed him too much, accused him, instead of being understanding and offering a way out of the problem?

But taking responsibility doesn't mean blaming yourself for everything. It means coming to an understanding of how much you and your partner can participate in solving the problem, instead of turning away from it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on part of your responsibility, and do not completely blame it on your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize your own participation in the problem.

Agree, there is a big difference between:

“How tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You cannot live without your claims! "

“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I shouldn't have yelled at you and provoked a conflict. Your accusations are probably not without foundation, but you are expressing them in a very aggressive manner, and it seems to me that they are somewhat unfair. Let's deal with this. I don’t need to shout, but you need to learn to express your opinion calmly. ”

I am not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. I'm trying to tell you how important it is to solve every problem in the family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they also concern the other person. And if both partners do not take active part in the relationship, then such a relationship will fail.

And if you and your partner fail to share responsibility for the conflict, then use a good rule. Instead of arguing over who is right and who is wrong, ask each one of yourself: "What can I personally do to correct the situation?" Believe me, if each of the partners is guided by this simple principle, then it will become much easier to develop your relationship and find a way out of problem situations.

Rule 2 - Don't ignore conflicts

I know how much I want, after the ardor of the quarrel has passed, to hug, give rest to tense nerves and calmly forget about what caused the conflict until the next similar one occurs. Don't make this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to the analysis of the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you personally and your spouse or spouse solve this problem?

But don't get attached to the temporary exhilaration caused by the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your ardor will pass. In order not to give up and not return to ignoring the problem. Discuss as concretely as possible each other's actions to resolve the conflict. When will you start these steps? What will these actions be? What approximate time frames for overcoming the problem do you see?

If one of you is constantly losing your temper and showing excessive emotionality, start practicing practices that help balance your emotions, such as yoga or.

If the conflicts are due to the bad habits of the spouse, then find a way to help the person to get rid of these habits. But let the one who will fight the addiction will not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and willingness to provide any support from his partner.

Don't just dwell on what you know. If you do not know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a way does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because the one who seeks will always find! And only laziness creates all obstacles.

Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next fight.

Rule 3 - Get offended and forgive less

Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: "Look how bad you did, so I won't talk to you"... Or it could be a way of revenge: "For the fact that you did this, I will take offense at you"... The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget about what caused the conflict. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that we have already solved the problem with our insult. Or we have demonstrated to our partner how hurt we were, and now we think that he will understand everything and correct himself. Or we have withstood the "preventive" period of lack of communication with each other, during which, it seems to us, our relations have recovered by themselves and can continue further.

But this is a deceiving feeling, moreover, it can be not only for you, but also for your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already been passed.

But it is always better to go back to the causes of the conflict, as I said in the previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do so in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue than resentment. Revenge certainly won't make your relationship better.

Some people are also offended by the fact that they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not say what, this is just right! Avoid these games! Generally avoid any methods of manipulating your partner's feelingsone of which is resentment.

But even if you are offended, then be able to forgive!

Rule 4 - Admit your guilt

It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and sincerely repent. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself, and you made up, do not be lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before that you defended yourself with ardor and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But just do it with a pure heart and sincere intentions!

You don't have to do it as a favor, or present it as a generous and noble act, expecting your partner to immediately prostrate before your repentance. Be prepared that your apology may be greeted coldly and without enthusiasm. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me, time will pass, and your remorse will fall like a coin into the piggy bank of your relationship!

Rule 5 - Listen to another, learn to take criticism soberly

In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, no one really listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not perception and understanding. Our psyche is so arranged that we first of all try to defend ourselves from criticism, find contradictions in it, find the most convincing refutation or respond to it with criticism. The problem is that we do not always think about how it is in reality, we do not see the truth, obeying the ancient psychic mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.

Try to change these familiar patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counter-argument in a quarrel, think about how thorough the criticism addressed to you is? Try to distract yourself from your resentment and irritation. Don't let your offended Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.

The ego stung by criticism makes you think: "I feel I have been offended, I must answer." It prevents you from looking at the problem from the perspective of another person. But if we first of all try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and better understand our partner, therefore, not so sharply react to criticism and perceive it more soberly.

Just take time out, calm your emotions, let the wounded pride silence, which again and again brings you back to the wrongs of your “I”. And calmly concentrate on your partner, try as if mentally to move into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What are his reasons for this? How does he react to any of your actions, how does he feel? Does he himself allow such actions in relation to you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?

During this mental exercise, your Ego will like a magnet to draw your thoughts back to itself, to the "I" position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly transfer your attention to the "OH-SHE (She feels, she wants)" position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your I, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn to change your egocentric perception of everything over time.

I cannot say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to the fact that you will only see your own fault in what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and take criticism more soberly.

Also ask yourself this question: How can criticism help you? Yes, just help. Listening to criticism means not taking it as a way to diminish your dignity or self-esteem. This is an opportunity to get an idea of \u200b\u200byour shortcomings, weaknesses, or understand how your partner perceives you.

Imagine that you came to the doctor for an examination and he tells you: "You have poor posture, overweight and high cholesterol levels"... It is not very reasonable to answer him: "Look at yourself, but you yourself are not very slim!" Of course, it will be right to listen to the doctor's words and follow his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.

But why can't we always listen to the words of our half, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, find out our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with being overweight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses, it gives you the opportunity to improve, become better!

Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it does not correspond to reality, what is the use of being offended and worrying? And if it is true, then all the more you should not react with accusations in return! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, reinforced by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of a relationship is to be able to pick out what is really true from it and use that to better understand yourself. And at the same time not to respond to empty and unfounded accusations.

I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes tells me: "You never listen to me", when I, once again buried in my work, let her words deafen.

Of course, my I does not accept such a harsh formulation: "Never!" (this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: "Yes, you are exaggerating everything, you just distract me, I cannot quickly switch when I work, you yourself cannot find the moments when it is better to contact me"... But when you try to distract yourself from your self, a slightly different picture emerges.

Indeed, often, when my spouse addresses me, I do not react, even if I am not busy with work, but just think about something ( i consider this conflict in the context of relationship history to understand how she perceives it). Have I noticed such a reaction on her part ( does she do that)? When I talk to her, most often she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I probably would be offended ( what if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions because of which she says: "You never listen!" ( how does she feel?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, I often listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is caused by feelings, but these feelings can be understood. Probably, I need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not hover in my thoughts. I'll just become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to it ( how does it help me become better?).

Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positives

It just so happens that we gradually get used to the merits of our other half. They become a reality for us, and we basically begin to notice flaws. These disadvantages are seen especially clearly in comparison with other pairs. After I lived for several years with my future wife, I began to think that we might not fit together, that we are different in many ways. I became obsessed with differences and shortcomings, and at one time it seemed that they represented the single and most significant problem.

And only after a few years I realized how much, in fact, we have in common. And this commonality and similarity manifests itself in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it is difficult to see, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And nuances, they are nuances, to stand out against the background of general patterns, riveting attention to themselves.

People are different from each other and all have their flaws. You will not be able to find the perfect or ideally similar person to you. It just has to be accepted.

Try not to constantly compare your partner to others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are like him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his mind, for those things that have remained in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. Better yet, tell your young man in words how grateful you are for his qualities and how you love him for that! He will be very pleased, he will see that his dignity is appreciated, and not ignored. Come on, do it today when you see him! And in general, try to praise him more often (but do not overdo it, avoid flattery) so that he sees how dear he is to you, and that you know how to discern in him what he, perhaps, most appreciates in himself, that he tries to support and develop ...

Of course, there are times when your partner is practically flawed. In this case, you do not need to look for a grain of good in him in order to grab hold of it. Here it is already necessary to change something in the relationship.

And remember, looking for positive sides in another person does not mean accepting his shortcomings. Try to help him correct the shortcomings. But it is not necessary only from them to compose the appearance of a person.

Rule 7 - Be Sincere and Open

There is Ingmar Bergman's wonderful classic serial film Scenes from Marriage. The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, avoidance of "forbidden" topics can lead to outwardly prosperous relationships to collapse.

Do not bring the relationship to what the heroes of this picture brought them to (divorce). Remember, there are no "taboo" topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurity, talk about it to your partner. Let him know what you don't like in your relationship, listen to what he is experiencing discomfort and displeasure. Discuss it and come to a compromise. You don't need to avoid "sensitive" questions like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.

Of course, you should not try to forcibly find out all the secrets of your spouse, but yourself to reveal all your past secrets. This also needs to be balanced, as well as everything else with regard to your relationship.

Rule 8 - Grow your relationship by developing yourself!

It would be a big mistake to think that the relationship will develop on its own, once you start it. Relationships require constant attention, the involvement of both partners.

Development implies not only the strengthening of communication, for example, the decision to live together, marriage, the birth of children, but also the personal development of each partner!

Relationships sometimes require much more from people than loneliness, separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over the part of themselves that is the hardest to step over! Through your egoism, your endless desires.

Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and they often need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests of two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.

And this is not surprising, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting a new job, does it with mistakes, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had the first relationship, other people with their desires did not exist for him. There were his parents who took care of him, friends who did not demand much. And he had only his "I", with all his desires, which he was used to satisfying without making allowances for other people. He does not even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.

The ability to find a compromise, to listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it might seem that relationships are some kind of prison that calls on a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But this is not the case. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say "no" to thousands of your "want" actually lead to freedom. Freedom from your selfish desires, your Ego, which commands us. Altruism is not a harsh self-restraint, it is an attempt to free oneself from anger, indulging one's weaknesses, stubbornness, fixation on oneself for the sake of joint happiness. And strong relationships, on the one hand, require a person to step over his egoism, on the other, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this thought in the conclusion.

Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.

Rule 9 - Don't Build Relationships All About Sex

In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritanical morality began to evaporate in the relations of people around the world, which imposes a taboo on discussing sex and belittles its role in the lives of spouses, people began to strive from one extreme to another. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex began to gain more and more importance for people. Undoubtedly, he is of considerable importance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be observed, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.

Many people see it as a disaster that sex is not as varied and violent as they would like it to be. This leads them either to break the existing relationship, or to seek relationships on the side. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of love affair, besides it there are many expressions of love!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality of your sex life. But you cannot dwell on it, believing that the absence of violent and frequent sex destroys your relationship, while everything else is in order. Maybe it's not a lack of everyday pleasure that makes you dissatisfied? Such you are made by your irrepressible, unbridled desires, which you cannot fully satisfy, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You cannot give full swing to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the more hungry, voracious and insatiable they become!

Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!

Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.

No matter how violent sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. Building relationships around sex means making them limited, weak, dependent, and incomplete.

Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests

Your interests don't have to be the same in everything. There is no need to look for similarities in everything and suffer because of the lack thereof. Today I was asked. “Nikolay, I see that your wife's website is dedicated to esotericism, and you seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and your spouse's beliefs? "

The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that on this issue we have agreement and we strive for it. My wife believes in things I don't believe in, but that's okay! Different people have different ideas and beliefs, that's how we are made. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.

It took me some work and time to learn a little bit not to take the beliefs of my half with hostility, not to argue on every occasion, not to criticize them. I realized how important it is for her what she believes in and began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.

I cannot say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my and views with her beliefs. Despite the fact that in many places we agree in opinion, somewhere we strongly disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is and accept it calmly. Why should one person rearrange their views to please another?

If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you think this is a useless and stupid occupation, then you do not need to strive to convince him every time of what nonsense he is doing, if it does not bring much harm to the family. If he allows himself this on rare occasions, then leave everything as it is. Respect someone else's small and harmless weakness. And the height of your generosity and understanding will be, for example, to present him with some kind of computer game, even if you think that this is a waste of money. But it will be pleasant for your young man!

Personally, I had a hard time accepting even small expenses of my wife on esotericism, which, of course, I considered meaningless. But I think I managed to go through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, as she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.

On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whom your spouse accuses of spending a couple of hours a week playing computer games, take it easy. You don't need to ardently prove to her that you are self-developing and engage in polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and offenses. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of "fuel" for accusations.

I do not mean to say that there is no need to strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how certain things are important to your soul mate. But if you cannot understand this in any way, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and let your loved one enjoy them. But here, too, you should not take this principle to an extreme and allow your partner to do some completely destructive behavior, for example, drink every day or get involved in drugs. Everything has a limit.

Rule 11 - Know how to say no!

You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to be accountable for every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you don't have to satisfy that desire. You don't need to feed other people's flaws, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that by denying your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant to you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, in this way you will preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your will and your desires.

Rule 12 - Maintain a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner

Try not to over-impose on your partner. Leave room for him to be independent. You should not try to control his every step and strive to fill all the time with being close to him. I understand that this advice is difficult for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the annoying desire to limit someone else's freedom can be met with resistance and rejection by your partner. To avoid becoming painfully attached to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. Indeed, in a relationship there should be room for loneliness and for your personal affairs. Find something that you enjoy, enjoy, do, and enjoy when your partner is not around. Do not reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!

But at the same time, concern for their own independence should not grow into licentiousness and ignorance of relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you should not try to spend in each other's arms all the time, but also you should not neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure that your soul mate does not pay attention to you at all. How to find the balance?

Dating shouldn't be too rare if you're in a serious relationship, but at the same time, you don't have to see each other every day, unless, of course, both want to. If your husband sometimes meets with friends, with work partners, then there is nothing to worry about, he should have his own life. But if this develops into everyday activities after work, when he does not see you anyway, then this is already beyond the scope. In general, there can be no precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!

Rule 13 - Don't "Play Chamomile"

"We are doing so well, he is wonderful and caring, but it seems to me that I have lost strong feelings for him." People often make a big problem out of the absence of feelings.

Do not take the weakening of feelings as a symptom of problems in the relationship and need to take some action. Do not get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and fickle. Passion and strong love pass, such is the nature of man. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: either they exist, then they are not, then you feel some kind of tide of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings are not there.

If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. It's like building wind power plants in one country exclusively. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.

I am not saying that emotions should be completely neglected. You just shouldn't see them as the only criterion for your relationship. Don't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and empathetic, if you are doing well, then you don't have to constantly play chamomile and try to evoke feelings in yourself. So, on the contrary, you will attract tension and doubts, which will prevent you from discerning some emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then feelings will come by themselves, and then they will leave again, only to return later. After all, they are the same unpredictable element, like the wind!

And perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that there have always been feelings, just behind your desire for strong feelings, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright, sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you will temporarily stop seeing calm tones.

The same can be applied to your expectations from a partner. Don't expect him to be always in love with Romeo. His feelings are as fickle as yours. Make allowances for the fact that men tend to be more reserved in expressing their feelings than women.

Rule 14 - Learn Diplomacy

I am sure that many of those who read this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but this does not work out for them. Your partner pays no attention to you or has shortcomings that he does not want to correct, and you can in no way guide him on the right path. You are worried about your relationship and you have a very noble desire to fix it. I think that those who are used to letting things go by themselves are unlikely to read about how to fix a relationship. So this is a little compliment to you.

Changing, correcting a partner is a very difficult task and not always feasible. I know about it firsthand. For a long time my wife could not do absolutely anything with my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, licentiousness, irresponsibility and infantilism. Of course, I didn't want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be a decree to me. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They are more than women subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything, that they are always right. They always strive to form an opinion about every thing in the world in advance, even if they don't understand something. They do not want to accept someone else's help and someone else's support, and if they do use it, then without gratitude.

I, of course, do not generalize and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the described qualities than women. Yes, and I myself was like that. And I must not have been helped by any assurances until I myself wanted to change.

Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain something to a proud man, for whom it is much more important to remain in the paradigm of his ideas and beliefs, to feel right than to correct, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how can you influence your partner. I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I will give you a few tips.

There is no need to aggressively impose on a person some truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything on his own experience, to be convinced of everything for himself. Make it appear that your partner got it all by himself, and not at your command. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome deficiencies.

But at the same time, do not scold for failures, urge to calmly try again and again. You don't need to tell him how bad he is, rather tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Conduct a dialogue with him, be interested in his success, suggest new methods. Let him at least try, and if something doesn't work, he will have the right to give it up. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for self-reliance.

Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust

The more you demonstrate trust in your partner, the more difficult it will be for him to cheat that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than just to confirm the already existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checking, surveillance, leading questions. As I wrote in the article about, this behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.

While of course you cannot trust someone who is constantly cheating on you, over-trusting is also bad! Be careful not to let all sorts of crooks spin your head and play with your feelings. If a person has deceived your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!

Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you

Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They get used, each to their own, unspoken duties, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.

But new positive trends in relationships, fresh initiative are always good! It brings people closer together, awakens dormant feelings, helps to feel care and warmth, and not indifference and cold. therefore make unexpected gifts and surprises, master the skill of family life that is alien to you. If you are a man, start cooking, making it easier for your spouse to do this. If you are a woman, come up with something pleasant and useful to please and surprise your spouse. Be creative and creative.

Think about what your soul mate wants, what can make her job easier and do something pleasant for him or her. This is not only about making an unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in your partner's life, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.

Rule 17 - Be Prepared to Let Go of a Deadlocked Relationship

This article provides tips on how to build and improve relationships. I believe that it is better to try to fix a potentially good relationship several times than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think about anyone other than myself. Since then I have changed decisively, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I urge everyone to give their halves a chance, because who knows what the future may come from what is now?

But a balance must be struck here. In general, this whole article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of conducting relationships, exactly like it, is the ability to balance between several extremes. Therefore, all the advice here is ambiguous, they do not tell you "do this, do not do that", they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find the golden mean. Try to fix your partner, but at the same time do not put all your weight on. Give freedom, but at the same time, do not allow the relationship to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations say a clear "no". Trying to understand other people's interests, but accept that understanding is not always possible ...

And I realize that while it’s better to fix the relationship in some situations, in other situations it’s better to end it altogether. If your partner behaves systematically in a way that you don't like, despite your attempts to positively influence him. If he offends you, does not handle anger well, spreads his arms and does not want to correct. If you have done everything to improve the relationship, but your efforts have led to nothing. If you constantly suffer from other people's grievances and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about how to end such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and have no children. Don't worry, you will find a better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or babysitter for someone else's life.

Conclusion - Relationships and Self-Development

The ability to maintain relationships is determined by the personal skills of both partners: caring, altruism, understanding of the other, the ability to yield and compromise. Relationships are not a market economywhere everyone can prosper only by taking care of themselves exclusively.

I returned to this question again, since this is the most important thing. And most of the problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another!

Relationships serve not to satisfy your pride, sensuality, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships can help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school of self-development and personal education! And the positive experience that you get from life with your wife or husband, you can apply absolutely in any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or retirees. He will also serve you as a reliable support in many situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, the ability to listen are the qualities that are simply necessary for achieving success in life and personal happiness.

I often meet people who have relationship problems or have no relationship at all. For some of them, the relationship is a series of suffering and quarrels.

Others are simply in a permanent search, and they just cannot find a permanent partner: all their attempts to maintain a long-term relationship turn out to be a failure. Still others are simply not looking for anyone, either they very much doubt themselves, or they just like to be alone.

But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: not only changeable fortune or poor choice of partners prevents them from finding marital happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, devoid of a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh or, on the contrary, extremely soft-spoken, cannot cope with their changeable emotions, cannot listen and understand the needs of other people, are selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.

(I'm not going to say that all lonely people are like that. Not at all. Some of them really like loneliness and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any permanent relationships. I have nothing against, this is a personal choice of each Also, I want to make it clear that if you understand that you have severe relationship problems, it does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality, it happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.

But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens and, moreover, often.)

This does not mean that he should have these qualities initially. Each person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I see human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people united by one bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make your connection with your husband or wife more reliable, but you yourself will become better and happier.

Every fairy tale should end with something good, but in real life it is different. Chilling a relationship is an insidious beast that slowly creeps up to a happy couple, spreading its influence over them. Quarrels, conflicts, reproaches begin, and your soup is no longer as tasty as before.

And now the girl begins to think about the factors that led to the cooling of the relationship, but which she tried not to notice, in view of the female complaisance. Any resentment, mistrust and jealousy signals that a “crack” has begun. The sooner a girl begins to pay attention to these signals, the easier it will be for her to correct the situation.

A person in a state of tension and emotional pressure cannot put himself in the place of another or adequately understand what he is being told. Every word in such a situation is perceived as a direct threat.

It is necessary to understand where is the root, which day after day feeds your relationship with cold and misunderstanding.

Reasons for cooling relations

• Life experience. Often people with different life experiences cannot get along, because they look at the world from different "heights".
• Views, tastes, priorities. All these factors that shape a person, as a person, also affect relationships, because each of us wants the thoughts of a loved one to coincide with ours.
• Sex. Whatever one may say, but sex is the most important part of the relationship, which affects both partners. And if the girl thinks that everything is fine, it does not mean that the guy is happy.
• Needs. Each of us wants something. It is a natural and integral part of man. But in most cases, it is difficult to understand what you want from life or from your partner, which leads to disagreements and misunderstandings.
• Confidence. Failure or unwillingness to establish strong trusting relationships can destroy all feelings to the very foundation.
• Psychological trauma of childhood. Childhood ends someday, and problems grow into adults and bring even more discomfort into our lives.

Armed with this knowledge, you will be able to understand what exactly influenced your relationship and you will be able to build a plan for further actions.

Methods, methods and principles of building relationships

More often than not, building relationships is a long and laborious process, because it is always easier to destroy than to build. Therefore, before starting to do something, you must be patient.

You need to set yourself up in advance to give in.

There are eight "golden" components of a good and strong relationship.

Care

Each girl is a future mother, and not only children, but also her entire family. It is necessary to treat a young man with understanding and attention, because absolutely every guy wants to feel surrounded by fragile female tenderness.

Harmony

A woman in the eyes of a man is, first of all, an affectionate creature that requires a reverent attitude, but not every girl behaves accordingly. The concept of "lady" has long become an overabundance of time, which creates a lot of problems in relationships. A real woman never makes scenes and tantrums, restrains herself even when it is offensive and painful.

Self-assessment

A man would rather live alone than with a girl who constantly makes him feel inferior or stupid. Therefore, every girl should cherish male pride, increase his self-esteem and never humiliate herself in his presence. Live by the principle - you are the best with each other.

Respect

Every boy, both big and small, requires due respect. This character trait is inherent in every man, because they are earners and protectors. Do not skimp on praise if he really deserves it.

Patience

Changing a man is a very bad impossible goal. If a girl is not ready to accept a guy for who he is, she should abandon the relationship with him. Men are not ready to change, even for the sake of great love.

Sex

In the first couples, sex brings you both pleasure, because you simply cannot get enough of each other, but in every relationship there comes a time when you start to get tired. It is then that you have to think about how to shake up and refresh intimate relationships.

Personal space

Every man needs a personal space. Even a few hours at the computer help a man to distract himself from problems and give him the opportunity to distance himself from thoughts. Girls can take offense as much as they want, but at this time the guy doesn't even want to see his beloved. He must be on his own. It gives men a sense of freedom.

Love

We all have a right to love. Therefore, love your man, show him your feelings in every way and remain feminine. After all, female love should always remain tender, affectionate, but strong.

Building relationships with a guy you like ...

Desire alone is not enough, you need to stock up on strength and patience, because most often this is a long process.

Getting in touch with a guy you like is not easy. Most often, the problem is that a girl, blinded by feelings, begins to behave stupidly and even defiantly, which has the opposite effect.

In such a situation, the girl should remain herself, not overplay, but simply and carelessly maintain a conversation, demonstrating ease and confidence. After all, every man wants to see an interesting, confident and optimistic lady next to him.

There is a practice of unusual acquaintances, when a couple meets in a place that will provide them with an unforgettable experience and will charge them with bright emotions. In this case, the guy will not be able to forget you, even if he wants to. He will always associate you with something unusual.

In the conversation, it is necessary to support his hobbies. If you are planning a relationship, then you should immediately determine whether you are ready to put up with certain quirks of your chosen one.

It is extremely important not to argue with guys. The opponent in the eyes of the guy becomes an enemy object that must be eliminated. Better at times to agree than to stir up a fight.

It's easier for a positive girl to get attention. Sour mines have long been out of fashion! Smile and you will certainly be noticed.

How to make up after a quarrel? Restoring relationships

It is imperative to admit that you are wrong. Nobody likes stubborn people, especially when you want understanding, and your beloved is making an innocent victim out of herself, although she herself made all the mess. Dear girls, learn to admit that you are wrong! In the male world, this is not an act of humiliation, but a manifestation of strength, for which they will only respect you more.

Usually, men have only two reasons to quarrel: when their freedom or self-esteem is infringed upon.

If the quarrel occurred for the first reason, then it is necessary to give him what he wants. If the girl gives in and gives the guy personal space, then in a few weeks she will feel how much loved and appreciated. No matter how men fight for freedom, they still cannot live without their beloved woman.

If the quarrel was due to the insult of a man by a woman, then apology and encouragement would be the best policy. Such an insult lingers in a man's head for a long time, so you need to be careful with words.

How to restore a relationship after a breakup?

Before thinking about this question, it is worth asking yourself the question: is it worth it? If the relationship didn't work out the first time, there may have been a reason. Do you need to stir up old wounds and remember the past, if everything is so tempting ahead?

If feelings nevertheless boiled the blood a second time, then it is necessary to determine whether your desire to restore relations is mutual?

Without reciprocity, it is unlikely that anything will come of it, unless, of course, you approach this issue with special cunning. Here books on male psychology and popular ways of seduction will help you.

There is no need for special techniques to restore relations by mutual agreement. Try to no longer admit situations that caused you to break up in the past, experiment, do something new together. Each of you should have the feeling that this is a completely new relationship.

Is it possible to make up at a distance?

Perhaps this is the most difficult topic, because everything is more difficult to do at a distance. Constant quarrels due to mistrust, jealousy or suspicion lead to frequent breaks and after that the girl sits with a phone in her hand, wanting to fix everything, because only after a scandal does she begin to realize that she has gotten excited.

The first time it is worth taking a break from each other. Just a couple of days to catch your breath and cool down. After that, you should carefully approach the guy with a conciliatory conversation, but you should also think about: is it worth continuing the relationship if you are not ready to get rid of suspicion and jealousy?

How to improve relations after my betrayal ...

The best medicine in this case is only time. Such wounds heal at a distance. A man must decide for himself whether to trust a woman. And a woman, in turn, needs to think about the motives of her act.

An apology is unlikely to help, but it's always worth a try. Of all the above cases, this one is perhaps the most difficult and long-term to recover, because we are talking about trust. There is no need to put pressure on the guy with obsessive vows of eternal love and your "I will never do this again." Men in this matter do not experience an excess of naivety.

Patience and only patience. Show the guy that you are sorry, but do not make a victim, because it is you who are to blame. Show that you can be trusted. Do not trust, but believe! If there was love, it will help in reconciliation.

Zodiac sign to help

• Aries. Aries needs to be admired, but not overdo it in this matter. Excessive courtesies can lead to the development of selfishness.
• Taurus. Taurus require proper respect for themselves, so to be near them, you need to strive only for perfection.
• Twins. Gemini love with their ears. Compliments, rewards and even flattery are your main weapons.
• Crayfish. Cancers need to trust their beloved, after which their vulnerable nature will certainly want to satisfy all her desires.
• a lion. Next to Leos, only the strongest and most enduring women can withstand. Leo's love is reserved cold feelings.
• Virgo. Unpredictable Virgos can behave in completely different ways. Today they don't like freedom, tomorrow - obligations.
• Libra. The calmest sign of the zodiac and, perhaps, the most proactive. If the girl seems to the guy the one, the only one, he can immediately call her in marriage.
• Scorpio. Most often, Scorpios look closely and make a thorough assessment of their partner.
• Sagittarius. This zodiac sign is easy to please, but difficult to earn love. Such a man should always have a goal.
• Capricorn. One should not forget about the vulnerable soul of Capricorn, even if it is a two-meter athlete. Sex is important, but the emotional and physical parts are always separate for Capricorn.
• Aquarius. Only an extremely unusual and interesting girl will conquer the heart of Aquarius. The mind plays a decisive role in this situation.
• Fish. The most selfish zodiac sign requires spectacular girls, and for the development of serious relationships also the presence of mind.

Errors of girls in this matter

Girls need to learn to be silent. In the process of building a relationship, a guy can begin to express his point of view. In order not to inflame the conflict even more, the girl must be able to retreat from participating in the quarrel.

Resentment often makes us say evil or careless words, but we should not take everything to heart. Remind yourself often why you want to make up and how important your beloved is to you.

And it is very important to remember that it is easier for a man to find a replacement than to waste time on meaningless arguments and sorting out the relationship.

Even if you are beautiful and smart, don't be under the illusion that a guy is ready to change for you.

1. Dont lie.
2. Listen and most importantly hear what the guy says.
3. Not to speak for him, that is, not to think out the answers that the girl did not hear in time.
4. Keep an eye on the mood of your partner, stay optimistic.
5. Pay attention to his interests, inner world.
6. Show support.
7. Desire him.
8. Be proactive.
9. Don't focus on small things.

Answers to other frequently asked questions

How to renew a relationship with an ex-boyfriend?

For herself, the girl must decide: is it necessary to restore the lost relationship? Most often, in this matter, girls are guided by feelings, and followed by common sense. Reconsider the reasons for your breakup and try to show the young man that you are ready to avoid the same mistakes and are determined to move only forward.

How to improve a relationship with a guy if he doesn't want to talk?

The main thing is not to force. The man is his own master. No guy will tolerate pressure, so the only way out is to wait until the young man himself wants to make contact. If the offense on his part is not critical and he really loves you very much, you can put a little pressure on pity.