QUESTION TO PSYCHOLOGISTS
Asks: Marina (2013-10-10 05:30:35)
I live with my husband in marriage for almost 15 years. We have kids together, two boys, 14 and 9 years old. In general, we have a good family, the only thing that worries me a lot is how the husband treats his eldest son. He is very fierce and negative about all his misdeeds (if you can call them that). To make the picture more or less understandable, I will try to objectively describe my child in a few words. He is kind, sympathetic, always tries to help around the house, goes in for sports (participates in district and regional competitions, takes prizes), helps his father in everything, tries very hard to be useful, already seeks to earn money (although he does not need anything). With the money he earned, he bought not only skis, bought a mountain bike, now he is saving up for a motorcycle. Makes us gifts. He is a good organizer, the guys are drawn to him, he loves nature, fishing and instills this love in other children. He does not study badly at school, although it is hard for him (3 only in Russian, the rest are grades 4 and 5). But, as his dad thinks, there are big flaws (which, in my opinion, are very exaggerated because our dad is a fanatic of cleanliness and order in everything), he considers his son “a complete slob”. (I went into the yard from the street, did not wash my rubber boots to shine. I did not remove things. I took the tool and did not put it in place. Inadvertently knocked over a cup of tea, scattered a spoonful of sugar, and other innocent trifles). Because of what the father starts to get very annoyed and in a harsh and humiliating form starts screaming at the child. I quote "I HATE! A FRAUD! A SLAM! CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! A PUPPY!" etc. Next can follow the cuffs, which is more humiliating. I don’t understand his attitude to his son, I’m tired of talking to him, explaining, asking him to be more indulgent. Sometimes he tries to control himself (he listens when I tell him how much pain he brings to the child in his own words), but with difficulty. It treats the younger son very well (he is also a very good, sensitive, polite, affectionate boy). He forgives him everything, is afraid of offending him, plays with pleasure with him. I am ready to fulfill any of his wishes and always looks at him with a loving look. Protects him, is ready to "break" for anyone. Punishes the senior when there are clashes between children (without understanding who is right and who is wrong). The son from such an attitude of his father, is suffering greatly and suffers a lot, thinks that he is not loved, says "why am I born at all!". I love my children very much, and I don’t want any of them to suffer! I am ready for everything so that they would be happy, that they would be happy in the family! I really want my son to finally feel his father's love, feel how he is dear to him and how much he loves him! Help, please, tell me what to do? !!!
PSYCHOLOGISTS RESPONSES
Hello, Marina. I can assume that the roots of the negative attitude towards the eldest son lie in your husband's childhood. Probably he had an authoritarian father who was demanding and tough to him. And now he plays his childhood situation with his son. I think that your husband has a feeling of love for his eldest son, but unfinished relationships with his father prevent him from opening. Marina, the best thing you can offer for your husband’s future relationship with your son is to work with a specialist in individual therapy mode. talk to your husband, try to explain to him how important it is for you. Ask him to help you - sign up for a family psychotherapist and go to a consultation at the place of residence together. And in my opinion, your problem will be resolved.
Wise decision to you.
Sheveleva Iraida, psychologist Voronezh
Hello Marina!
Sympathize with you. It is not easy for you to tear yourself between your loved ones. Unfortunately, the answer to the question of why your husband is so intolerant about his son can no one except her husband. Although, perhaps, he himself does not realize what is the cause of his behavior. This can be a transfer of children's experience, and jealousy, or envy and a way to assert itself if the son is superior to her husband in some way. For example, kinder him, people love him more. But it is impossible to draw any conclusions only on the basis of a letter.
I will join the previous answer. It is necessary to go to the reception to a psychologist. Your task is to convince your husband that it is necessary.
Elena Shishova, psychologist, Khabarovsk
Hello, Marina. It's amazing how your son survived in such conditions. I think that now with his victories he proves that he is good. Certainly. The problem is in his father. Most likely, this is envy of the life that your husband, being in the age of the son, had not. And, since there is envy, there is a desire to devalue it. And it devalues in the most primitive way — through cavils to cleanliness and order. It’s impossible to correct the father. the envy of the father. And the envy of low self-esteem. let my son learn to listen only E, without missing serdtse.Po in principle as a goose voda.Inache, is up to no good dovedet.Pust a deaf ear, or turn to a psychologist .To learn izmeyat attitude.
Vladimir Karataev, psychologist Volgograd
Who do not like their parents? Such topics are not accepted to be discussed in society, but we decided and did not lose: it was actively and seriously discussed.
In order to dot the parent-child relationship, we decided to talk to a psychologist Pavel Zygmantovich about parents who do not like their children. And this is not bad.
Let's return to the peasants. Children were needed as insurance, while their lives were valued weakly. But psychological well-being was not considered at all. In the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, in the Russian Empire, there was always a famine. Then there was no task to keep things straight. Survived - great. Until the spring survived - well. There is something to sow - fine. The level of claims was in the ankle area, and now it is above the head. From here parents begin psychological difficulties.
After all, parents love as they have it formed. Here plays the role of personal contribution, the experience of childhood, their attitude towards parents. Some parents calmly relate to children, some really dislike them. Because loving a child is an extra work. And not all of this mechanism of emotion works as well as we would like.
One can be surprised at the dislike of some parents for children only if they are completely unaware of the nature of man and live in fantasies about the instincts of motherhood.
The child is extremely demanding of attention, and therefore there is a very tough conflict now. Before, there was little entertainment. It's funny to say: in the 1970s, even cleaning could be fun.
A person needs to structure his time, he just cannot sit and be bored for a long time. Now we have facebook and you can sit there for years. There is a TV. Used to be a child among other things, was a good means of structuring time. It was a small toy in the extended sense of the word.
And now the child distracts from the possibility of going to Vilnius for a weekend or does not allow him to spend money on going to Silichi, because he has to buy diapers, diapers. And it turns out that the person does not know what to do with the child. Everything is not as fun as expected, so it also limits.
Given the importance of freedom for modern man All this together gives a very serious effect of rejection. Earlier, I remind you, the child was not required to love like that. To give him a kick was for a sweet soul. And now everything is different.
When one child is loved more than another
It cannot be said that there is any one reason why some children are loved and others not. This is a very diverse phenomenon. This happens because some of the children are more comfortable.
For example, someone is more in line with the expectations of parents: Dad wanted the children to become boxers, and of the three sons, only one followed in the footsteps of his father, the second went in for knitting, and the third — the librarian. And these two are some kind of “wrong guys”, and the first one is “very good.”
This occurs in single-parent families or even in full, but conflicting, when in a child, especially of the opposite sex, one parent notices some manifestations of the other parent that are hated by him. For example, the boy's father always ruffled his hair in a certain way. The boy does the same thing, and his mother is angry. She hates a child because he looks like a dad, and dad is a goat. And she loves her daughter, for example, because she looks like her.
People are very complex creatures, and reduce everything to one reason will not work. There are a lot of reasons, and it is very individual.
What do unloved children do in such situations?
Children - nothing. All they can do is look for another significant adult.
There is the so-called “Hawaiian study” (Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith, 2001), which has been carried out for forty years. About a thousand people were analyzed, and they began to do this even before their birth, and they also looked at families. It turned out that by and large a small child is influenced by one factor that determines its normal or abnormal socialization. Not bullying of peers, not hurricanes, not losses, not rape, not beatings - but emotional intimacy with a senior.
That is, if there is some older brother, mother, stepfather, coach, fisherman on the pier, it doesn’t matter who - this is quite enough for the child. If this person accepts him, supports him, is emotionally close to him and the child feels good with him, it is enough for him to live quite well for himself. The psyche of children is very plastic. To cripple the psyche of a child, you must really try.
When events are permanent, for example, a child in school is constantly harassed, then this can lead to some problems and often leads, but not always. And if this is some kind of a one-time action, something happened somewhere, this most likely will not leave any trace whatsoever. Because the idea of the amazing fragility of a person is not confirmed by anything at all.
There is such a thing - post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This, according to the broadest estimates, affects only 15% of the adult population. Normally, when a bomb exploded before your eyes, and three days later you decided to watch a new series of Sherlock. And PTSD is when an event pursues a person, violates his usual life and does not allow him to return to it even after a few years.
Our psyche is much stronger than it seems. Otherwise we would not have survived.
Nevertheless, it is worthwhile to encourage the parent to be more careful with the children. Although there is no unique solution. After all, on the one hand, this is reasonable, and on the other, we bring the parent into a constant state of self-accusation: I did something wrong, I refused the child, he cried for two hours, and this is trauma for him.
No, the child will survive and recycle. Especially if the parent does not point the finger at him and say that you have been crying for two hours - you are a crybaby.
There is a social program in the US Big Brothers Big Sisters, it is very old. We once had one too. It is very simple: a child from an orphanage is assigned a “sister” or “brother” 5-6 years older by a volunteer team. And they, according to certain rules, meet 2-3 times a week and go somewhere. It is advisable that they do not have fun, go and do something together.
For example, such an elder brother can take the child to his studio if she works somewhere, and her sister can take the girl to the dentist. This program already socializes a child in the most wonderful way, although in fact we have only 8 hours of communication a week. This does not mean that they are constantly hugging. A little warmth and affection, and not necessarily make this a tradition. And that's enough.
How to talk about it with parents
Here we are faced with socially acceptable answers. Even anonymously, we cannot rule out that a person wants to look good in his own eyes. And he writes that yes, I love my children.
This is like a study of adultery: it is impossible to establish how much people actually change each other. Only if everyone in the eye to implant a video camera. Technically, we are not yet implementing it. Same with parents. It is necessary to solve the main task - which means “love”. For example, a parent never lies - does it love or not? Always buy toys - love or not?
But try to talk to parents worth it. Here are two directions. On the one hand, you need to look for a meaningful elder with whom there can be a good emotional contact. And the second is to go to the parents and build relationships with them. In the end, there is not only love and emotional intimacy, but also actions that can be performed, and for this it is not necessary to be close - for example, to wish a happy birthday, help with the housework, etc. Not necessarily experiencing love.
What exactly is worth doing is not to tell yourself that I am now so unhappy, because my parents do not like me. It is useless and counterproductive.
My colleague Sergey Shishkov says that it’s never too late to have a happy childhood and it’s never too late to spoil your childhood. Here we must understand one more basic thing: children always wait for more than their parents can in principle give them.
Any child can say that he was not loved enough, because the parents did not always do everything the child wants. The same, by the way, and in the matrimonial relations. Based on this all can be considered disliked.
It turns out a simple thing: if a person as an adult begins to believe that he was not loved, he dramatizes it all. And if he thinks: well, yes, my mother was cold with me, but she raised me, fed me - well, thank God, thank you, mother, then everything in his life will be fine.
Some kind of warm, ideal relationship with parents is a rather rare thing, and I’m not sure that it is easy to create as I would like. This is a great work on both sides, but first, of course, from the parent, because they are more mature. But how many people do this kind of work?
Many people say they love their children. And what they do is fed, watered, clothed. Everything. This is also a form of love - the maximum that they can give.
What parents do need children
All that is spelled out in the law. The Marriage and Family Code, which says that child abuse is prohibited, that proper care is required, and so on. Anything that is not spelled out in the law is optional.
Of course, it would be great if a parent was moderately custodian and moderately free, moderately affectionate and moderately demanding. No perfect people. Absolutely about any parent, you can say that he is bad.
If we speak from the position that the parent owes, then we form guilt in him. This is a shaky position. When I say that you need to do everything according to the law, and the rest - as you like, the parent may behave badly towards the child.
But if we say: “Hey, parent, you have to love a child”, then this creates a classic problem of a working woman who has a family, especially if the child is 2-3 years old. She lives in a constant sense of guilt. And will it be good for her if we say that you have to take care of the children, because the atmosphere in the house depends on the woman?
Many are experiencing this very hard. And this hard experience was created by us, convincing the parent that he (she) owes something. In fact, we create a basis for guilt. Is it worth it to do so? The big question is, I don’t think there is a good and simple answer to it.
A photo: site.
Psychologists constantly note that psychological traumas received in childhood become fertile ground for the emergence of complexes.
Sometimes a person cannot get rid of them on his own, because it is not easy to see the connection between one and the other. However, this relationship must be broken, otherwise you will never be happy. What if father doesn't love? The question is very difficult and complicated, but the answers to it exist.
He sees you as a rival
Not always men are mature. Even if they have a child, this does not mean that this child will force him to become an adult and take responsibility for the family. With the advent of the baby, the woman can fully concentrate on his upbringing, which can not well affect the relationship between father and child, because the latter, it seems, just stole a man from a man.
Here, of course, is the fault of the mother. Remember how often your parents were in conflict because of you? Not so much on issues of upbringing, but because of insults - Dad truly takes offense that from now on he has become the second most important wife in life, and Mom sincerely does not understand that he can rightly demand attention. So it turns out that because of jealousy, the father simply cannot perceive the appearance of the child as a gift, not a curse.
You did not meet his expectations
It happens that parents place high hopes on their child, trying to give him everything so that he can achieve a lot. At the same time, without even noticing it, they are trying to realize through it their own unfulfilled hopes. If the child neglects the fact that they are trying to shove him with such “big love”, the parents are offended. Such offenses can live in the heart of the father for years. Think about something like this in your life? Did your dad say you fell short of his expectations? If so, accept it as your father’s problem, not your own.
Dad wanted an heir
A very common reason why fathers don't like daughters. Why is that? The desire to get an heir can sometimes be compared with mania.And if suddenly a son is born after you in the family, the father can simply forget about the existence of the daughter as a natural child. No matter how painful it is to realize, one will have to accept this fact. After all, he wanted one thing, and got another.
He just does not know how to show love to his daughter.
There are men who consider the manifestation of feelings a move. But this does not mean that he does not love you. To understand that this is true, look at the results of his work, on how much time and effort he put into growing you worthily. If you think that he did this only for himself, most likely you are mistaken.
What if your father doesn't like you? The answer can be only one - to forgive. Parents and children are not chosen, they are given once and for all. The fact that you have just such a parent is not given to you by chance, you just need to get rid of the offenses and understand that you got good thanks to the fact that the family did not receive affection and love from dad.
Over the last month I received at least five letters with the same question. Why the father of my child does not love him and does not want to take part in his upbringing? Rather, the questions were formulated differently, and the circumstances of writing girls are also different. Someone husband completely forgot about the child after the divorce - and does not remember about the meeting, and about the alimony; someone threw a guy after the announcement of pregnancy; Someone blames the ex-spouse for being far more passionate about his new passionate son than his own. There is one thing in common: a man lives and enjoys life, and is not at all interested in his child.
I have reason to believe that the girls were waiting for the recipe for putting the guilty men on the right path, or at least sympathy and understanding. “Eh, the proportion of women is heavy. All men goats, for sure. "
I understand and very sympathize. But I have no recipe. As the desire to brand men described. Because fatherhood is an extremely complex matter.
“I can’t understand,” one girl writes to me, “how can you not love this little creature — a warm, gentle, your own little one? How can you not feel all its charms? How can you not want to raise your son, heir, to teach him everything you know, to show him the way to the big world? ”
- You can, dear girl. Unfortunately, you can not feel all this and not want. For you, your son is an absolute value. That you give him all that is possible. That you can watch for hours how he sleeps, sniffles and blows bubbles. And your man may feel quite different. You see, he can NOT AT ALL feel ANYTHING about the child! Not because he is a scum and a scoundrel, but simply he is so - and nothing can be done about it.
Dot the i's. I do not condone men escaping from the wives of pregnant women and dodging alimony. In no case! If a child is born, both parents must be responsible for it. It's about something else.
Many women really sincerely do not understand how you can not feel for the child that they themselves feel - tenderness, love, desire to be near. They are angry, offended, scolded, accused. But everything is very simple. You think I'll write now: men - from Mars, women - from Venus? 🙂 Uh, no. Just all people are different. Priorities are different, desires and plans.
There are men who, from the very birth of a child with trepidation, relate to him - they play, swing, bathe, walk, rejoice in small and great successes. Here he began to hold the head, for the first time he turned himself over, and the urrra! gas came out, tummy no longer hurts. Pierre Bezukhov, I remember, was pleased to admit that he had a palm of his hand sculpted as if purposely
There are men who are really beginning to be interested in children when they grow up a little. Then you can talk heart to heart with your son and daughter, play football or play the guitar and enjoy watching them grow up.
Others, leaving the mother of the child, throw him out of life. “Children are, of course, good. But they will never compare with what you have with your beloved woman. ”
And someone, on the contrary, will give everything to be able to be near your child. Because parting with him is like losing body parts. And for him, love / dislike for a woman will never obliterate what was and is in relation to children.
There are men who do not want children at all. Not ready for fatherhood. Nor to his joys, nor to difficulties. Remember that only by the age of 60 was ripe for having children? And he could not mature. And there's nothing wrong with that! This is his business and his choice.
Another question: the man is not ready, but the child still appeared. Well, let him be responsible for it. But to demand an all-consuming love for the baby is stupid. Maybe she will come. Or maybe not.
Actually, what am I leading to? - to the one, that do not waste time not fruitless experiences and unconstructive issues.
The man left you with the baby? - Demand from him what is required by law. Do not ask yourself and others - why, why does he not love his child? Why not be with him? Do not want - and the point. The child is not included in the list of his priorities.
Do not entertain yourself with hopes that someday he will "understand." But it will be too late ...
It seems to you that, not communicating with the child, he is robbing not so much him as himself - it's so cool, so amazing to indulge, raise and teach your child. Maybe it is. But at the moment - this is your joy. He chose his other.
Just close the chapter. Smile and remember that the world is big. There is you, your wonderful child, and many very different people. Including wonderful, kind and loving children of men (photos of the latter below :))
Why father doesn't love his child
Gestalt therapist
Every time when a mom of a teenage boy who does not want to learn, or a mom of a teenage girl who dad says “he doesn’t love her!” Calls me, I ask the same question: “What do you have between parents? "The answer is given reluctantly and slightly with irritation: at what they say, here it is, you did not understand the essence of the question:" Nothing. We do not live together. "Or this:" Everything is fine with us! "
I am not appealing: “And how do you treat him, your husband,?” “Yes, I don’t belong to him! Why are you asking about this? And what does this have to do with my question? ”
Yes, the most direct! As long as you do not care, why you treat him, the former or current husband in any way, your son will not study well, and your daughter can hear from the father what he hears.
Because it does not happen that when you make someone an empty place for yourself, when you make someone an “insensitive stool” that cannot have feelings, then in return you get something else. You throw contempt, indifference, arrogance, superiority, anger, a desire to sting. Every word you say to him is poison.
And in response, I want love, money, attention, care, protection, protection. No, no, of course, not for yourself! For a child! All for the baby! From a person in whose direction only poison and contempt, and who most often do not want to be counted as a person. This is not an equivalent exchange. It does not happen.
In response, you only get what comes from you. If you do not understand that it hurts - your ignoring or bile in words.
If you do not want to think about it, penetrate, disassemble, change, it means that you will also be hurt. Do not stop - they will make you even more painful. Through the child.
In most cases, ignoring a common child, his feelings is the mirroring of the attitude of the child’s mother to his father.
Mother does not want to hear it and deal with it. She wants to convict, blame, re-educate, call for conscience. She does exactly what she once did or does her mother. In relation to her husband. Blames, convicts, complains of him. She repeats what she saw and heard in her childhood.
This is a theme of devotion to one’s own mother, who explicitly or implicitly hated her husband. This comes from our own parental family, where there was a lot of indirect aggression. Constantly. Between man and woman.
All other situations in an adult daughter pull up just to continue. Hatred of a man. Mistrust. Suspicion. Contempt. All other situations just to find confirmation.
All roles have long been registered. How should she behave, how should she behave. The script was ready. It just had to translate.
You need to look at the script. And not on the behavior of an individual man. Or the behavior of an individual child. The answers are all in the script. A dialogue as a carbon copy.
As long as there is a desire to remake and re-educate a husband, former or present, to continue to pursue him, to bring him to light - it is impossible to help children. And in the far corners of their memory all the dialogues are already recorded. It remains only for them to grow up a little and embody what was before them. Between man and woman.
And in general, everything that happens to the child, a difficult personal or professional life, many types of addictions - this will be his longing for the father. The father, whom he, the child, did not have enough. Not because the parents were divorced, but because the father was ignored all the time, persecuted, rejected, humiliated, argued, showed that he was unworthy, and his father had to move away. Nature does not tolerate emptiness. Where the father should be is emptiness. And instead of the father appears destructive and problems.
It all starts with the mother. See how the father treats children, and you will learn how women in this family treat men. Not how they talk about it, but what they have in mind. In relation to her husband. Former. Or the current one.