When they say that this mother is good and that one is bad, they rather talk about stereotypes than about reality. Are there any criteria for a good mother? And what does " bad mother»?
Since everything is relative in this world, it would rather be correct to say that there are mothers with whom it is good for children, and there are mothers with whom it is bad. And there are women who are absent as mothers in their children. In each case, there are positives and negative aspects.
So, in more detail about each case.
“A good mother is one who loves, cares, does not beat and does not scream” - this is at least in the obedient list of “good mother”.
But if this love is so much that the mother does not notice how she does everything for the child, she anticipates any of his wishes and immediately realizes it, everything allows. Such an attitude to the child makes him untenable, independent in life, but overly selfish and despotic. He is like a weak, blind kitten, does not evaluate the situation, does not make decisions, does not even know how to really want something, and therefore does not set goals and does not reach them. Now and then he cries and cries.
What if this concern is so much so that the child suffocates from it. No step without mom. Mom knows how to be and what to do. The child cannot breathe freely. From such care gravity, burden, and the child can literally suffocate. This explains the nature of asthma from the perspective of psychosomatics.
Does not beat, does not scream, although she herself is already on edge. The child sees insincerity, ceases to trust. Worse: he says that he does not love him when he behaves badly, calls the child bad, compares it with other children - he devalues the personality of his crumbs. Brings up emotional cold. “Don't come near me. Your behavior is terrible. ” A child is harder a thousand times any punishment. Blackmail or bribery brings up the duplicity of man.
What then? Not to love? Do not care? Scream and beat?
Of course not.
To love, to love and to love. But giving the child a choice, the right to want and make decisions. This is how faith in a child, in its viability and self-sufficiency is manifested.
Care.
With trepidation, to take care and be ready at some moment to accept with understanding the refusal of the child to care. An example with humor, but in which many people recognize themselves: the mother calls the child home: “Sasha, go home. You already want to eat, ”“ No, Mom, I want to write, ”the child answers. Only the child knows what he needs here and now, how it will be better for him. And if he chose to fall, then he needed this lesson.
To beat, to shout is not something that cannot be, it does not help ... After all, these parental methods are our own inconsistency and despair. We just break down. The child needs to be explained, to bring our speech with a request or a ban to his realization: why he needs it or not. And if you broke? Ask forgiveness for a child. Everyone has the right to make a mistake. And even parents. Then the child will see in you a living person, with emotions and feelings. And not a robot, working on the program "can / not."
What say about the bad mother?
She does not pay attention to the child. This is bad, because the child will grow emotionally cold. But there is a positive side to this, as she teaches him independence.
She leads a wrong lifestyle. Of course, bad - a bad example to follow. But at the same time she is sincere in her love and this can block everything.
This, of course, is not an end in itself. It just happens - this is life. And to find in it everyone’s worth.
There are mothers who do not have children: they work, work and work, and children with nannies, in gardens, etc. If the mother does not see anything besides the work and she does not notice the child, then she is not there either. But if she, even for an hour in which there is the joy of communication, devotes her beloved child, this is the best that she can give. This is cooler than a day with an irritated mother tired of a child.
There are disturbing mothers who are afraid for children. This is a distrust of the possibility and strength of the child. The child also grows with fears. And he is madly in love with mom.
How will it be good then?
1. Good with those mom / dad who love the child and tell him about it.
2. Well with those parents who believe in the child, then they give the right to choose, the right to make a mistake.
3. It is good when a child is trusted, then he bears responsibility for his actions himself.
4. Good with those parents who know how to understand and accept the child, his needs, motives and actions.
5. Well, where sincerity in feelings and thoughts is emotional comfort and reliability.
Raising love and trust, faith in the best qualities of the child. And only this will be good.
Good mother and bad mother.
Hello! The mother of two children, a daughter of 4.5 years and a son of 4 months, is writing to you. I have a problem here, I think that I have a prolonged postpartum depression, and not 4 months, but 4 years, that is. from the very birth of the first child! I did not notice that before giving birth and in general, before marriage, that is, at the time of a carefree youth, I experienced some psychological and psychological difficulties. My husband and I began to live together. When we were 20 years, at first, simply in a civil marriage, and I almost immediately became pregnant. We both were happy about it. I considered the whole pregnancy that I would be a very good and patient mother. As soon as I left the maternity hospital with the child, almost on the second day I began to experience nervousness, I wanted to cry, even then I realized that this is a postpartum Vai depression. My husband was constantly at work, we lived in a dormitory at that time, so we felt some inconvenience, although the neighbors were good. I accompanied my husband to work at 7 am, but did not go to bed, but ran to wash the diapers (we didn’t have a washing machine), cook , I was cleaning, so I wanted to do everything while my daughter was sleeping. I know many young mothers are alike in this, while the child is sleeping, you do not rest, but try to redo everything so that your husband is happy and fed, the child is clean, dry and fed, and what mom? From the morning there was no dewdrop in the mouth, I didn’t have time to comb my hair, I'm not talking about wearing makeup and looking attractive for my husband! And naturally, he also wants attention and caress. But at the end of the day I felt driven a horse, without strength or any emotions! Only longing and a great desire to cry or run away from home! So my depression and ate me from the inside for weeks and months. I wanted to be helped, but any comments and advice from Relatives only annoyed me. The fact is that our parents live in other Goy area, but 2 aunts of the husband live not far from us. Of course, we sometimes left our daughter with them, chose somewhere. When the daughter turned 4 or 5 months, my husband and I began to swear often, so much so that we almost dispersed, He even took me back to my parents. But somehow everything worked out, and we still lived, but scandals happened quite often ... It turned out that they left our daughter in 2.5 years to be raised by my parents, and went to work in the city, but every week we visited our daughter, I was very depressed and hard at heart, that I could not be good for her I remember the moments when we were still living together, and it happened that I broke my anger on her, quite small, and it made me even worse. I tried to restrain myself, but every little thing displeased me, and all these nerves were poured on my daughter. It so happened that I was not quite good mother and now my daughter is not growing up with us. So she lived with her grandmother and grandfather for 1.5 years, and as soon as I had a second child, we took her to me, so that I immediately got used to my brother and was not jealous. To my great joy, my daughter is very loves his brother! But fresh postpartum was added to my inveterate depression, and then two more children, washing, cooking, cleaning, raising a daughter, caring for a small ... I completely ceased to like me, because I care about my appearance, Understandably, I didn’t have enough time. And I began to fall for my daughter again! I just hate it for this, I reproach and condemn! Maybe I just lost the habit of it for 1.5 years, especially the younger child demanded more attention. I was angry with my daughter for noise, disobedience and other trifles, and then I was angry with myself and cried. Am I really not going to be a good mother? I'm afraid to ask myself, but do I love my son more than my daughter? I write and tears in my throat ... She's not to blame for my mental problems. I never discussed my husband with this, I'm afraid he will not understand, he will consider it a whim. I do not hesitate to go to a psychologist, and there is no one to leave the children to. With our husband, too, something is smooth, then scandal it’s terrible. It happens, he tells me so much that he cuts to tears, and this of course leaves an imprint on my shattered nerves again ... In general, you can endlessly write about problems, but I just don’t know how to solve it all? How to learn to control your aggression? I cannot take a sedative — I breastfeed. One day I can be a good and calm mother and wife, but any little thing can disturb me, and again I get nervous and angry at everyone, and then I hate myself ... What should I do? I am bad Mother and wife? Why did my children get such an I?
Mother of two children, teacher-defectologist and gestalt therapist Inna Vaganova shared her own story of victory over the “bad mother” complex.
Disturbing thoughts "I bad momwhat to do !? ”spoil the life of many young mothers.
Everyone who is not lazy, ready to strengthen our complexes, and tell you what we are doing wrong and what we ruin the child. Yes, and own perfectionism does not give rest.
We are afraid of becoming a bad mom, or a mom not good enough. Especially against the backdrop of bright and successful insta-moms, who have everything always for five plus.
What does the psychologist mum think about this, who herself has gone through these fears? We are sure: her experience is useful for every mother.
I have not seen a single sphere of human activity where self-deprecation is so common, guilt and fear, as in motherhood.
I first felt like a bad mom when my oldest child was born. Right at the maternity hospital, when during childbirth I was told that I was ill-beaten and the soul of the child. And I gave birth for the first time!
As he grew and developed, I learned that I was feeding him wrong - he added little, or added a lot. Wrong dressing, developing, walking. He even sleeps with me wrong. In short, as a mother, I am untenable and ruining my son.
It is one thing when such “mimocrocodile” says that you can send and forget. And it’s completely different when parents, doctors in the clinic, teachers, best friends - people who have always listened to me, say it.
I believed them: yes, I am a bad mother, my child was not lucky with me. And this feeling has been with me for almost 6 years.
My son grew up next to me, hugged me, gave me touching bunches of dandelions, slowly learned to read, adored with all my heart my younger brother, and I was still sure that I was a bad mother.
I did not seem to think about it. But when the caregivers complained about their son, or the doctors complained about being too thin, or I put an unshriven t-shirt on him — that's all, I was literally bombarded by self-incrimination. And a nasty little voice in his head sizzled: “Ah, poor child! And why is he such a mother ?! ”
That was until I paid attention to what I really do for my children every day.
I woke my son in the kindergarten and a set of clothes was ready for him. For a whole year, every day I prepared him a thermos of tea in the kindergarten, because he was allergic to gardening compote.
I shoveled a mountain of special literature in order to maintain the health of my sons: the eldest son spent only one day in the hospital in his entire life, and the youngest was never there.
Every day I cook children food and wash clothes, I walk with them and smear the broken knees with cream. And I listen to them, they quietly cry in my arms, they carry me their secrets. The eldest son can ask me any question, and I do not grow gray from horror and shame, I find words with which I can explain.
Today I saw my youngest son crying for fatigue. For 40 minutes I held the kicking child in my arms and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.
Mothers often devalue what they do every day for their children, but, like a magnifying glass, they each look at their mistake and mistake.
Every day I do simple maternal feats that I had previously considered insignificant. But it turns out that it is from these things that the childhood of my children is formed.
The smell of pancakes in the morning, my jam with spoons, my hands that hug them when it hurts them, my words when I help them understand their feelings and the world around them.
My children call me “healing mom”, every time they fall and it hurts them, they run up and just put a sore spot on me and it turns out to help them! One my touch soothes their pain! My touch!
It so happened that the accusations and reproaches flowed on many of us endlessly. But if you start to notice, just notice and recognize what we do every day, it will become a little straw of salvation of our self-esteem, our value.
Just to see how we wake up every day and do a lot of things for our children, love them, live with them. And now I already notice how much I differ from my mother. I allow my children to feel and feel a lot myself, as if I were defrosting and becoming alive.
Every young mother at least once in her life wonders: "Maybe I'm a bad mother, what to do in this case." Of course, this does not mean at all that you are a bad mother, but you should understand the situation that has arisen.
And so, if you even once thought “I feel like a bad mom,” then the article is for you.
And so why there are thoughts: “I am a bad mother what to do”:
1. The first reason for such thoughts occurs when a mother cannot calm a crying child over a long period.
2. Similar thoughts arise when a child regularly brings bad grades in behavior and performance.
3. Some moms are too worried when you have to leave the child with another person.
4. The syndrome of a bad mother appears when a child has to be scolded and sometimes slapped in a soft spot.
Some women think of this when the older generation helps them take care of the baby; it tells about the dangers of diapers, artificial feeding and modern methods of education.
In order to get rid of such thoughts, we offer you several recommendations that will forever allow you to get rid of the “I am a bad mother what to do” complex.
Tips to eliminate bad mom's complex:1. Try to rest as much as possible. In connection with the appearance of the house of a new family member, which requires a lot of attention, you may not be in time. It's not scary, do not fall for weariness, have a rest at any convenient moment. This will allow at least a little recuperation.
2. Do not hesitate to ask for help from relatives. But despite the fact that a woman can cope with many things, you shouldn’t exhaust yourself. Ask relatives to help you around the house or with the child. Nothing wrong with that. Grandmothers are always ready to nurse grandchildren.
3. Be sure to set aside time for yourself. The monotony of classes can ruffle anyone. Find yourself some hobby for at least an hour a day, which will allow you to escape from everyday life.
4.If you are too annoyed, try counting to 10. If this leads to failure, then try a sedative. Although taking a sedative is possible only if you have completed breastfeeding.
5. Try to take life easier and with a smile. This is of course difficult and does not always work. However, in some situations it will help not only to save nerves, but also to get out of a conflict situation. Remember yourself in childhood, it will help to understand the child.
Remember that your child appreciates your love, care and understanding, and not how strangers will appreciate your education.
When confronted with the problem of tormenting you and eating up morally, but you cannot resolve it yourself, anger and a disguised sense of justice boil up: why am I the only one with such difficulties ?! And only after some time, when you find a solution by trial and error, you suddenly come across an article, the one that could be life-saving, but a little late to show up. I would really like you to find this material at the right time, and that it will certainly help you!
“I’m a bad mom!” ... “I'm breaking on my little one” ... I started such topics on the forum and heard in response both words of condemnation and words of support, which also did not comfort me, ?? they say it happens to everyone. And those and others can be understood. For someone like children? absolute wildness, and someone himself is not without sin.
Listen to the mom who coped with the emotions. I found her late, but her story made it even sharper for me, for my mother with a similar past.
Bad good mom
My God, how I envy moms who are bright on their own! They get a lot of pleasure from communicating with their children, know how to manage their emotions, never raise their voices and raise their hands on a child. I do not belong to them. And I know firsthand about the “bad mother” complex. Unfortunately, it didn’t originate in me from scratch and took not the most innocent forms.
On the way to the ideal
This is not usually talked about, because it is embarrassing ... I have sinned because I often raised my voice, or even screamed at the children. The situation peaked during my third pregnancy. By the time I realized that something had to be done about it, my daughters were afraid to step “wrong” once more, and the older one began to ask: “Mom, do you love me?”
And I felt so creepy! Each time, screaming at the children or slapping some of them in their hearts, I then sobbed and asked forgiveness from the girls. Once I had a dream that the eldest daughter had already grown and reminds me of a case of undeserved insult.
I realized that NO ONE besides myself would help me. And she began the long journey of overcoming herself, the path to her ideal Mother. I so wanted to be a Good, Loving Mom again!
Time to understand yourself
I realized that if everything continued in the same way, I would lose the trust of my children forever. But, if I speak about it, if I myself understand that this is not normal, it means that I am not hopeless and have a chance to correct everything. So the husband told me.
Why did the sweet, kind woman, like all my relatives knew, turn into a hysterical nervous person who reacts to every little thing with tears or a cry? I know. Constant lack of sleep, lack of help from loved ones (husband at work from morning to evening), household chores that nobody has canceled, daughters requiring attention. At the same time, one starts to starve me, the second shows character, and no persuasion helps. I think many mothers have been through this. But some adequately cope with such a crisis, while others, like me, begin to drown in their emotions. It delays like a funnel. You understand that you are doing something terrible, but you cannot stop yourself. You scream, baby is angry, you scream even more, baby cries, do you start crying ?? vicious circle. You are carried into the abyss, and in fact it is. Because if you don’t say “STOP!” In time, the worst can happen.
The last straw of my nightmare was a discussion of this topic on the Internet, which I read while my daughters slept during the day. There, the current mothers, who are 20 ?? 35 years old, told how they were beaten in childhood (both morally and physically) and how they became after that. Most of them DON'T FORGIVE their parents.
Understanding that there is a difference between a beating (read ?? domestic violence) and a slap on the pope or a cry, when there was not enough strength to hold back, did not bring relief. I cried and could not stop. Only one thought pierced me: really, and I will become the same shrew ?!
The husband, who returned home from work, listened to another portion of my sufferings and asked: "How can I help you?"
I answered: “ANY help is now useful to me!”
Success algorithm
Now about the most important thing. That helps me to become a NORMAL, ADEQUATE person. Perhaps this kind of action program will help someone else.
Time for yourself. If possible, you need to involve all available family members in the help. Use the time available for rest, at least sleep an extra hour ?? it is necessary in order to remain calm.
Morning should be good. Every day I start by hugging and kissing my children. This is the result of tremendous mental work. At one time, I was very scared when I felt that I wanted to hide from everyone in the far corner, and my daughter, who came to hug me, said: “Please don't touch me, I hate it.” Most likely, it was a neurosis. I began to fight him.
Output negative energy. Instead of throwing out the negative on the children, you can beat the pillow, tear a piece of paper, go into another room and beat the wall. Let the bones on the arms hurt later, but it is immediately clear how it hurts the child.
Deterrent factors. For me, this is, first of all, a husband. With him, I often keep myself in hand. When he is not at home, and I feel that the “attack” is not far off, then ... I take the youngest child in my arms. With him, I never raise my voice because I'm afraid to scare. Very helpful and walking ?? on the street, I usually do without disruption.
Water. She "washes away" all negative emotions. If possible, you need to go to the shower or take a bath. I usually just start washing dishes. In this case, even if someone continues his “illegal” actions, I have time to calm down and react less acutely.
Valerian. You can use any other sedative, not contraindicated in breastfeeding. I drink Persen.
Communication The parental forum on one of the women's sites helps me a lot. The beauty of virtual communication is that in the forum or in personal correspondence you can discuss what is not always told even to the closest. It turns out something like support groups in difficult situations.
Specialist assistance. For myself, this option, I postponed in case of emergency, if nothing else helps.
Sometimes a person needs a shock to realize what is happening. But one will shake it up, and the other will go and lay hands on themselves out of despair.
In fact, this problem is much more serious and deeper than I tried to imagine. But things got off the ground. Today, for example, I managed my irritation. And tomorrow (I believe in it!) I will manage to achieve more.
It is important to find something that will help. It is important to understand the inadmissibility of their behavior and to look for ways to correct it. All mothers who are faced with a similar problem should be remembered: they undoubtedly love their children and are able to become Good! As for my personal experience, he poured out in such verses:
When my volcano wakes again,
When I'm breaking my cry for the hundredth time,
Let my heavy hand
Otsohnet, and I die at the same moment.
And at that very moment I will take a deep breath.
Let it be more painful to me a hundred times,
Like a spell, one truth
I say: my child is not to blame!
When I get scared of mine
Doubt, I will ask myself seriously:
Can I even live a day without them?
Without their palms, eyes, flaxen hair?
How easy is that ?? appreciate every day
After all, every day can be the last.
We are connected by a thin thread
And no one break it.
Evgenia Sosnina (Mother and Baby Magazine, No. 5, 2005)
Thanks to all the moms who are not afraid to say that they are ashamed, that they can judge, that not everyone can understand and forgive. And to you, who are reading this article, I want to say how a mother with a stigma breaks down, everything can be overcome, the main thing is to be determined.