When they say that this mother is good and that one is bad, they rather talk about stereotypes rather than reality. Are there any criteria for a good mother? And what does " bad mother»?
Since everything is relative in this world, it would rather be correct to say that there are mothers with whom it is good for children, and there are mothers with whom it is bad. And there are women who are absent as mothers in their children. In each case, there are positives and negative aspects.
And we do this thanks to the strong cast of comic actresses who have easy chemistry with each other. Mila Kunis is a star, like Amy, wife and mother of two living in a suburb of Chicago. Now in her early 30s she feels constantly exhausted when she juggles part-time work and two children without much help from her husband. She sardonizes that the one thing she is good at is always late, but in this statement there is honesty, which comes down to the point.
On that day, when things are going wrong, Amy clicks and decides that she is tired of being the perfect parent. Despite the extremes, to which, ultimately, Gwendolyn goes, there is fundamental realism for this figure. But Amy finds unlikely allies of two other mothers who are also ready to stop fighting for it all together. She has an intoxicating conversation in a nearby bar with Kiki, a passionate, needy mother of four, whose coldly controlling husband requires her to do everything around the house; and Carla, the impudent mother of a sweet Oafian baseball player who has no other friends because of her irreconcilably polluted and erratic ways.
So, in more detail about each case.
“A good mother is one who loves, cares, does not beat and does not scream” - this is at least in the obedient list of “good mother”.
But if this love is so much that the mother does not notice how she does everything for the child, she anticipates any of his wishes and immediately realizes it, everything allows. Such an attitude to the child makes him untenable, independent in life, but overly selfish and despotic. He is like a weak, blind kitten, does not assess the situation, does not make decisions, does not even know how to really want something, and therefore does not set goals and does not reach them. He now and then cries and cries.
All three actresses have great energy that bring so many different personalities to the screen. If we continue to make comparisons between the two, Khan acts like a Kate McKinnon figure — superbly unpredictable, a game for anything and impossible to stop the observation.
Going to strange dark places has always been her strong point, but Bad Mothers give Khan the opportunity to indulge in some material of the next level, and yet Carla has loyalty and decency that blends perfectly with her. So much of this parental thing is out of control, which is one of the worst things. That is why we are so hard for it. It feels more secure to say: “This is a direct consequence of this!”, And not a recognition that children are one way or another who they are not what we are trying to do.
What if this concern is so much so that the child is suffocating from it. No step without mom. Mom knows how to be and what to do. The child cannot breathe freely. From such care gravity, burden, and the child can literally suffocate. This explains the nature of asthma from the perspective of psychosomatics.
One of us follows a book in T, and our 6-month nights sleep at night. One of us sticks to the same book the same way, and yet we are going for a year without two uninterrupted hours of sleep at night. This understanding is associated with decades of work with other people's children and reading about child development and having one’s own children.
Some kids are actually lighter than others. Some sleep easier and eat more varied foods. Some cope better with their emotions. Some of them are naturally neat and clean, sweet and dark. Then there is one more thing, which is that life happens. Bad things happen, and heavy things happen, and sad things happen, and sometimes parents lose their way. We all sometimes lose our way.
Does not hit, does not scream, although she herself is already on edge. The child sees insincerity, ceases to trust. Worse: he says that he doesn’t love him when he behaves badly, calls the child bad, compares it with other children - he devalues his crumbs' personality. Brings up emotional cold. “Don't come near me. Your behavior is terrible. ” A child is harder a thousand times any punishment. Blackmail or bribery brings up the duplicity of man.
There is no parent who made no mistakes, but this is not the same as being a bad mom. Mistakes do not mean that it is your fault. Mistakes do not mean you are not doing a good job. You know the best way cope with bugs? Get help if you need it and try again. Try with the best information or best friends or best tools. And you know what would be great about this? Your children will learn that mistakes are inevitable, but we can do something about it. They learn that taking responsibility is not the same thing as succumbing to guilt and shame.
What then? Not to love? Do not care? Scream and beat?
Of course not.
To love, to love and to love. But giving the child a choice, the right to want and make decisions. This is how faith in a child, in its viability and self-sufficiency is manifested.
Care.
With trepidation, to take care and be ready at some moment to accept with understanding the refusal of the child to care. An example with humor, but in which many people recognize themselves: mother calls the child home: “Sasha, go home. You already want to eat, ”“ No, Mom, I want to write, ”the child answers. Only the child knows what he needs here and now, how it will be better for him. And if he chose to fall, then he needed this lesson.
When we can do this, this is called failover. Indeed, when it comes to this, the best thing we can do for any of our children is to teach them how to be persistent, to teach them to experience difficult things, even when it is difficult for us.
Good mother, bad mother - who decides? What you, as a mother, do not need to do now to be a “good mother”: always and immediately respond to every mother of the child. To love and empathize, of course. Breast-feeding, carrying, family beds. It doesn't matter if your back breaks.
To beat, to shout is not something that is impossible, it does not help ... After all, these parental methods are our own inconsistency and despair. We just break down. The child needs to be explained, to bring our speech with a request or a ban to his realization: why he needs it or not. And if you broke? Ask forgiveness for the child. Everyone has the right to make a mistake. And even parents. Then the child will see in you a living person, with emotions and feelings. And not a robot, working on the program "can / not."
Boiling your own biodynamics, wearing ecological, fashionable clothes - even if it costs a fortune and a lot of time. Serenity and understanding to respond to the hysterical kid. In the end, you should also like your partner. The list can go on forever.
But the reality is different. After a short night with many breaks still sick? It is simply impossible. Filled boxes for breakfast, work with the mountain papers on your desk and quickly move the children after the day care, so that they do not wear shirts with tomato sauce in children's gymnastics. You can only smile tiredly. And includes you briefly in the bathroom, so you have a moment to relax. And no one sees your tears. No later than in the evening, you will not be able to delay it. After a long day, children cannot fall asleep.
What say about the bad mother?
She does not pay attention to the child. This is bad, because the child will grow emotionally cold. But there is a positive side to this, as she teaches him independence.
She leads a wrong lifestyle. Of course, bad - a bad example to follow. But at the same time she is sincere in her love and this can block everything.
Here again, urine, because once again drink. Another one good night? The only one who falls asleep is you. The anger is boiled in you, and at some point you will not be able to hold it. And you feel at the same moment as the terrible bad mother of a crow. Take a look at your wardrobe: the chic parts of the past no longer fit - you dress yourself functionally and practically. It is really good that you no longer feel on the skin. You would have to eat healthier. But to stand in the kitchen for three quarters of an hour? As long as your mice share it?
Then prefer frozen pizza. Finally, do you play sports again or do you read a good book? If not for the laundry. And the kitchen must also be cleaned. Exhausted, you fall on the sofa. You are stuck and come - again - too late to sleep. Your social contacts are limited to small talk on the playground. And from time to time they rarely made a phone call with your closest friend. But you know: she simply cannot understand this, she simply continues the old life that you once had before children.
This, of course, is not an end in itself. It just happens - this is life. And to find in it everyone’s worth.
There are mothers who are not in children: they work, work and work, and children with nannies, in gardens, etc. If the mother does not see anything besides the work and she does not notice the child, then she is not. But, if she, even an hour in which there is the joy of communication, devotes her beloved child, this is the best that she can give. This is cooler than a day with an irritated mother tired of the child.
He has professional success, a great lover, goes to yoga and travel. You love each other with all your heart. You are not a bad mother! Not because you regularly reach your limits. Not because you can barely handle the daily workload. Not because you don't want to have sex in the evening. And not because sometimes you blame yourself for your children. Laundry can be left lying - she waits patiently, and perhaps there is a dear person in your environment who loves to support you.
And calm can be found. You are not a bad mother, on the contrary: you are a great mother! Take care of your children, be careful with love and do your best every day! If you ask your children, they will tell you: you are the most perfect mother in the world. All you need is a decision to make. Deciding that you are a good mother. With frozen pizza, laundry, dust on the shelf and all the negative emotions that make you what you are: just a man!
There are disturbing mothers who are afraid for children. This is a distrust of the possibility and strength of the child. The child also grows with fears. And he is madly in love with mom.
How good will it be then?
1. Good with those mom / dad who love the child and tell him about it.
2. Well with those parents who believe in the child, then they give the right to choose, the right to make a mistake.
3. It is good when a child is trusted, then he bears responsibility for his actions himself.
4. Good with those parents who know how to understand and accept the child, his needs, motives and actions.
5. Well, where sincerity in feelings and thoughts is emotional comfort and reliability.
Write down at least three things that went well every night. So you see what you do well and distract attention from what is not so good, in addition to what you actually do all day. Yes, everything does not always go. It takes a little time to reduce your requirements to perfection and yes: a little discipline too. So you can give in to yourself what a great mom you really are. Best for your children - even if you scold me. For your children, you are all. And teaching them that with your inner attitude you teach them the most important lesson in life: a strong sense of self-worth.
Raising love and trust, faith in the best qualities of the child. And only this will be good.
Good mother and bad mother.
UNIDAL MOM
Mistakes made by a mother do not make her a monster at all. How to stop suffering and start living?
Loss of patience
The cat has a mournful bald patch on the back of the neck, the contents of flower pots are picked out and scattered around the room, the child refuses to dress, screams and stomps his feet. After some time, you already shout and stomp your feet. Sometimes you can even slap him - nerves are betrayingly rented. After 15 minutes of a typhoon and a hurricane, you repent of everything at once and experience a monstrous disappointment in yourself. Now, no one will put you "excellent" for the development of educational methods. They say that by the third child the nerves become iron, but before that we still have to live. In the meantime, you just monstrously ashamed.
Mom Mantra: You're good enough!
Who decides if you are a good mother? With all your corners and edges that make you who you are. Even if you are not as relaxed as you would like. You are such a bad mother that they point to the street when they judge you, when they do something to raise your son. You are a bad mother to be real and not hide in false smiles. You are a bad mother to decide what is best for your son and for you, instead of “obeying” what society sends every day.
Do you feel identified with any of the items in the previous list? Of course, but do not worry, it does not mean that you are a bad mother. This means that you are a mother and that you struggle every day to give children the best results, to be happy and at the same time try to do everything possible so that you can or know.
The senses. You have lost patience and felt helpless. Anger subsided; shame, guilt and horror came to replace him, especially if the child rolled into a roar after your release of emotions. Your way. You rush to apologize, to blow on your ass slaughtered, roar along with the baby or roar secretly from him. Are you a bad mother? Usually a slap is preceded by a behavior that can be described as “let loose”. Coming out of the image of “always calm mommy”, you only marked the boundaries of the forbidden child, expressing your utter disapproval. This is normal, more than that - necessary. In this way, the world acquires a clearer outline for children, because a child who does not know the limitations sometimes feels anxious. You are guided by absolutely correct motives, just the method chosen was not entirely successful - too sharp and loud. Of course, there are better methods, but what you have done is not a crime at all.
Accept that you are a “bad mother” for judging others, but you don't care. What others think does not concern you and less when it comes in the form of criticism or value assessment. It is not easy to be a mother in this society, it is not easy to be a mother in general. But the reality is that this is the most beautiful and wonderful thing that can happen to us, we are lucky that we have this indestructible connection with our children, and this we can only understand.
Stop feeling that they are judging you and pointing out, and so are you. This society is looking for ideal mothers at the same time as it drowns them with judgments and criticism. But mothers are mothers, and they all try to do their best or best of all that they know.
The reaction of the child. He is strangled by resentment, fear, anger and aggression, at this moment the child may even wipe back. In this case, firmly grab his hand, but do not punish. The most important thing: the child understands that he was stopped.
Another way. No violently expressed emotions have such an educational effect as a sudden cessation or change in the style of communication with a child. If you want to learn not to approve the behavior of the child correctly, you can do exactly the opposite - do not shout, but shut up. At a critical moment, simply stop touching the child, call him by name, or turn away. The coldness of a loving mother acts very effectively. But - attention! - there are situations when slap is not enough. Therefore, stop reproaching yourself - you are a normal mother, and it is likely that your reaction to what happened was optimal.
Of those mothers who need help, who have the right to look for themselves at least once a day, that you have the right to go out and enjoy time. You are one of those mothers who need to think more about themselves in order to be happy and bring happiness to their children. You need support, love and understanding, and fewer fingers that point towards you without knowing anything about your life.
All mothers should start supporting us, because we all know what it is like to be mothers, and feel that unconditional love that only feels. Those who judge or criticize you, not knowing what it means to be a mother, just stop listening to them.
The necessary phrase. When you put up, do not forget to tell the kid: "I love you very much, but when you did it, I was very angry." In case you slapped him, apologize for reconciliation: "Forgive me, please, I did not know how else to stop you."
Hidden emotions
The saddest and most harmful delusion, characteristic especially for young mothers, is to assume that you are a vessel of universal patience and boundless tenderness. Are you sure that even in the case when the child has annoyed you a lot, you should keep the gentle intonation in conversation with him. Refusing to broadcast to the world what you really feel, you lock in all negative emotions inside. Psychologists call this behavior non-congruence, in other words, an inadequate expression of their own experiences.
If you feel a bad mother, remember this.
You criticize yourself. You criticize a lot. Because today was the day when you lost patience and shouted at your son. Because today you have imposed a punishment on your son. Because today was one of those days that you left in front of the TV all day to cook or clean or work, or because you were tired, sleepy, or just to keep your sanity. You left the TV so that you would not hear your baby crying, so he cannot see his tears. Because today you gave him hot dogs and noodles with tomato sauce at dinner.
The senses. You are torn apart in two "bad" emotions and fear of losing your own image of a "good mommy."
Your way. In this case, it is not. You wanted to express your dissatisfaction abruptly, but instead you restrained yourself and, smiling, babbled something like: “Petenka, sweetheart, put father's tie in place, do not cut it with scissors.” And the second time they said. And the third. In the fourth, your smile looked like a grin, and your tie turned into a pile of rags. Are you a bad mother? When your “vessel of universal tenderness” overwhelms anger and irritation, but you firmly believe that you should not feel this, you begin to lie to your own baby, hiding from him the true emotions. Thus, your real “badness” is that you give your child incorrect, distorted feedback. To be incongruent means to lie with your voice, with the expression of your face and gestures about your real experiences.
The reaction of the child. Perplexity He feels that you disapprove of him, but he cannot understand why you have the same voice in this case as you did when you praise him. He will cut the tie with scissors until he gets the truth from you: either you firmly and calmly stop it, or you explode. And the more stubbornly you strive to make everything around look like cotton candy, the worse example you give your child: sooner or later he will also decide that true emotions should be masked under something completely opposite.
Another way. Expressing your disapproval doesn’t mean entering into conflict or scaring your child with dislike. Anger should be expressed as anger, disapproval should be expressed as disapproval. You have the right to get angry and speak in an “unkind” voice; moreover, you are obliged to give the child true feedback. That's what makes you a really good mom.
The necessary phrase. Pronounced for myself and myself: “I have the right to be angry, my child has the right to know about it.”
Uniting with the husband against the child
Anya loves chips and is ready to eat their boxes. You stop it, and dad willingly allows. In the mornings, Anya must make the bed: her father demands that this be done, and you let her daughter leave everything as it is. In fact, it is impossible to be so strict with a child!
Congratulations, there is a dual power in your family. You allow, your husband forbids, and vice versa.
The senses. Helplessness and irritation from the constant opposition to the spouse. Gloating, if you understand that your coalition with a child is stronger than combining a child with his father. In addition, you feel a constant alarm, because you know - this scheme does not benefit you or your husband or your beloved heir. At the same time, when you do decide to act as a single parent front, you immediately begin to consider yourself a cruel traitor.
Your way. Instead of agreeing with your husband or at least giving him an example of unanimity, by supporting his order, you persuade yourself that the child is small and two adults against a tiny baby is too much. Am I a bad mother? In healthy families, coalitions according to the principle “parents vs child” are inevitably formed. Healthy-minded father and mother do not share pedagogical power, and dispose of it in collusion. Any cancellation of prohibitions or indulgences established by the other party, says only one thing: the child has become a means for your games. And at the same time - in the manipulator, clearly knowing that the pope will cancel his mother's ban or vice versa.
You solve your personal, and sometimes even intimate, problems with your husband, using the child as a bargaining chip and as an argument. Most often this happens when the spouses have violated direct communication, when the family has a taboo on clarifying relationships, and consequently, on both sides, emotional trust has been lost. In this case, the child performs the function of the hollow, in which his father and mother put little notes with the only phrase - “you are bad” - facing the partner. In general, what can we say, both you and your spouse are obviously not coping with the problem. ” co-education”That naturally does not benefit your parental reputation.
The reaction of the child. The kid rushes from one adult to another in search of solid rules - and does not find them. In the end, he has nothing left but to gain from your dual power: in fact, he cannot behave more maturely than his parents.
Another way. Talk to your husband, in what requirements for the child you will be a united front. Find at least one match. Make concessions and support the second adult side where you usually denied it.
The right phrase: “Dad thinks you need to make the bed every morning. He said that you would grow up as a careful person, and I agree with him. ”
Lack of time
You plow like an ox, and you have not only time, but also strength. You leave - the child is still asleep, come - already asleep. Or even worse: you go home, the baby happily rushes to you, and you are ready to cry, because you can only hug him, and nothing more. You are not at his matinees in kindergarten, you miss the birthdays of his buddies and you can’t even answer the question to which he can count.
The senses. Guilt in front of the child, hopelessness, helplessness and fear of forever losing contact with the baby. You are incredibly jealous of non-working mothers.
Your way. Hugging a child tightly, apologize apologetically that you will not get to him for the holiday again, you lament that you cannot stay with him because you have to “earn money”. You are afraid to punish and scold him, because you are sure that you have no rights to such behavior. Am I a bad mother? A real child suffers when his mother is emotionally unavailable or unpredictable for him. You can be emotionally inaccessible, and sitting at home 24 hours a day. It means to ignore everything the child says, to pay the minimum necessary attention to him, to perceive himself as a function of ensuring his feeding and security - and that’s it.
The reaction of the child. If you are buried in the awareness of your own guilt, the baby also experiences something like this: “Wasn’t it me that the reason why my mother lives so hard and hard?”
Another way. First, tell the child that you are a happy person, because you have two riches: he and his favorite (good) job. Secondly, be open for the baby - set the time at which you belong to him without restrictions (for example, if you go with him somewhere, turn off the mobile). Talk with your child not formally, but with interest and attention. If you have been busy at work for weeks, be available at least by phone (at a specific time). And in those hours that you spend at home, you belong to the entire chad. Tell him about everything in the world, but the main thing is about your work so that he feels himself not opposed to her, but involved. You do not cope with maternal responsibilities, not because the work eats up all your time, but because you allowed her to absorb yourself emotionally.
The necessary phrase: “I will not have time to bake you a cake tomorrow at the fair, but now we will buy the finished one, decorate it with berries, let's call it our own way, and it will be the best!”
1. Talk to the child that he is bad. Locate the problem! You are not satisfied with himself, but with his behavior at the moment.
2. Set conditions for the manifestation of their own feelings. Forever remove from the vocabulary the phrase "I don't love you anymore," "you behaved badly - I will leave you forever." You put your child in front of an unsolvable and unbearable problem for him: the loss of you and your love. Know that he will believe you unconditionally. Such an internal installation of the child is unlikely to allow you to ever feel like a really good mom.
3. Being held hostage by feelings of guilt. This will pull along with ingratiating, unnatural intonations, will increase your baby’s anxiety and reinforce it in the feeling that something is wrong here.
4. Skip matinees, competitions and performances. The child, whose parents did not come to cheer for him, feels abandoned, lonely and useless.
5. Conduct pedagogical discussions with your spouse during a child: this is your “parent” kitchen. The kid must be sure that absolute agreement prevails between his parents.
6. Give opposite feedback on the same actions of the child. That is, if at home you show him dissatisfaction with uncleaned toys, then on the street - in the sandbox - he must collect them on his own. To scold a child when no one sees you, and to keep silent in public is a double standard, the meaning of which the baby simply cannot.