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At the age of 3, the child still pleases, surprises and amuses parents, but it doesn’t work out to impress adults the way it did in the first months of life. So, before mom and dad were delighted with everything, starting from the first smile and ending with the first steps and the first word, as if the child had made an unprecedented achievement. And at 3 years old parents get used to the fact that the baby already knows a lot, is actively developing and does not require such control and care as before. The result - albeit unconscious, but a decrease in attention. Naturally, the child notices this, and in accordance with this, certain new features of his behavior appear, which are peculiar to three-year-olds.
The relationship between the adult and the baby becomes unstable. The initiator of the quarrels and conflicts is basically the child. His mood is not constant, he alternately experiences joy and sadness, boredom and emotional over-excitement.
A crumb at the age of 3 begins to realize that the world does not revolve around him alone and with parents, for whom for many months he was the most important and important little man in the world, he has his own business, his own conversations, where he may not be allowed. This understanding drives the kid out of himself, makes him angry, lose control of his emotions, yearn and try to return everything to its place. 
Such features of the behavior of the baby in 3 years can be described simply: this is the crisis of the third year of life.
A crisis is a difficult period in the life of a child and his family, but it will definitely pass. That is why parents need to be ready for its manifestations, work out for themselves the correct course of behavior and try to postpone the kindergarten, which can only aggravate the situation.
About the features of the crisis of three years
“Crisis” as a concept in psychology does not have a negative message. Rather, we are talking about a short-term active visible period, during which rapid changes take place with the person’s personality. The crisis does not occur suddenly. Personality Changes Cumulate 
for a long time and when it is time, the restructuring of consciousness and personality begins, in this case a three-year-old child.
A crisis is a necessary transition from one stage of child development to the next. Therefore, to avoid it will not work. Another thing is that the crisis manifests itself in each case individually. One child reacts to changes sharply and painfully, the other is going through a new phase of his life relatively calmly.
At 3 years old, when the development of the baby moves to a new level, the crisis is the moment of the birth of a new, full-fledged personality. It was at this time that the psychology of the child allows him to recognize himself as an independent person, to learn to accept the norms of social behavior, to grope the limits of what is permitted. During such a period, a small person begins to build a new system of relations with the world around him and people.
The duration of the crisis, as well as the degree of its intensity, will be directly related to the behavior of adults and their reaction to the behavior of the child.Below will be described the main features of the behavior of babies characteristic of this age period.
Negativism is one of the main manifestations of the crisis.
Under the influence of negativism, the baby begins to behave in an unusual way for parents. Its peculiarity is the refusal to do so 
as adults ask him, often even against their will, and only because he does not want to fulfill requests.
In especially difficult situations, when the child’s negativism is bright and peremptory, communication with him may come to a standstill. The kid will say and do the opposite, without thinking about whether he really wants it, and about the consequences of such behavior.
Often, adults believe that negativity is another manifestation of disobedience. In fact, it is not. The psychology of disobedience of a child implies his refusal to fulfill instructions or demands of adults just because he does not want to do something, is busy with something more important for him or is just simply lazy. In the case of negativity, the baby opposes the will of adults, even to the detriment of personal desires, regardless of the content of the request.
It is worth noting some feature of negativism - its selectivity. This means that at 3 years old, the child opposes the instructions and requests of only some adults, for example, one of the parents or both at once. At the same time with the other representatives 
In the adult world, babies get along perfectly and are happy to make contact by fulfilling requests and errands.
A powerful provocative factor in the manifestation of acute negativism is a tough authoritarian manner of dealing with a child. Each time, listening to the comments in the tone of the order, the baby can refuse obedience, defending the principled position independent of the decrees of the person.
Manifestation of stubbornness during a crisis
What is the psychology of a stubborn kid? Usually such children insist on their own each time just to defend their opinion, and not at all because they are interested in it. So, for example, when mom calls baby for breakfast in the morning, he can stubbornly refuse it, despite the fact that 
got hungry. Thus, the child wants to prove to himself and adults that he is fully adult and independent and can make decisions himself.
Parents in such situations trying to suppress the child's “I” will only harm him. Using authority, and sometimes strength, adults aggravate the manifestation of stubbornness, leaving the child no chance to find a way out of the situation without losing personal dignity.
On the manifestations of obstinacy and self-will
Many confuse the concepts of "negativism" and "obstinacy." In fact, this is not the same thing. Unlike negativity, the obstinacy is not connected with any particular person. Usually obstinate children protest against everything that surrounds them, starting from the daily routine and ending with the menu and choosing a place to walk.
In this way, 
a rebel is born in a little man who does not want to live as he lived before, and with all his soul longs for change. Just as in the case of stubbornness, obstinacy is more pronounced in children who are raised by adults in a tough manner.
Self-will is the sincere desire of the child to do everything independently, and for him it does not matter whether he copes with the task or not. The manifestation of self-will in three years is normal. So, trying yourself in different fields of activity, the baby will sooner or later learn to be independent.
Riot and depreciation - additional manifestations of the crisis
These crisis symptoms do not appear as bright as the previous ones, and not in all cases. Rebelliously usually especially sensitive children who cannot 
during this period, find a common language with adults, primarily with parents, therefore they themselves provoke conflicts.
Often, riots are accompanied by depreciation, with the result that the things that were important to him, the people, and the norms of behavior lose value for the kid. The baby can deliberately utter publicly abusive words, treat badly toys and personal things, both their own and their parents, call names, refuse to sleep in their room or on their crib, and so on.
About the manifestation of despotism
Despots in a crisis period of three years are often babies who do not have sisters and brothers in their families. Raised in abundance of love and care, such children want everything to remain as it was, therefore their main goal is to subjugate adults who will 
to fulfill any whim. In such a goal of the baby - to become the main person in the family who will dictate their rules.
So, summing up, we note that the crisis is a difficult period, primarily for the children themselves. Conflicting with relatives, defending his opinion, overestimating values, the kid wants one thing: to become an independent person whom parents will trust in all respects.
Faced with the lack of understanding and unwillingness of adults to trust, the kids are protesting. Naturally, parents should understand the psychology of children during this period and carefully choose reliable and effective tactics of behavior.
What do parents need to know?
The most important thing is not to try to suppress the “I” of the baby with the help of threats, and even more so physical strength, degrading 
punishments. The more parents try to suppress the child’s identity, the more he will oppose them.
It should be understood that in 3 years psychosexual development is especially active in children. Kids begin to realize their gender, which in some way affects their relationship with others.
In this period, the attitude of the child to the mother is controversial. The kid feels aggression, shows stubbornness and at the same time needs its support and closeness. It is not surprising that it was at this time that the crumb could purposely try to offend her mother in order to check whether she would love him after bad deeds or not.
If the mother’s reaction to such behavior is punishment or reprimand, then the child will feel unhappy, unloved, which, in turn, will enhance the manifestation of the above-described qualities.
To calm the baby in this difficult life period, you can offer him games:
All these entertainments will help the kid to relieve stress, will lift his spirits and distract from sad thoughts. It would also be great to arrange improvised fights with pillows or balls of paper, foam rubber, light plastic with the child, during which he will be able to get rid of the feeling of aggression.
An important stage in the completion of the crisis in 3 years will be the ability of the child to control his impulses, taking himself as a person.
How to behave parents?
The main mistake of adults during the crisis period of 3 years is communication with children as with adults. Parents 
firmly believe that once a child can speak, it means that he is able to understand what is being explained to him.
As a result, they begin to tell him what to do, what not to do, to make logical arguments, to convince them as they would convince an adult. In fact, it is not at all necessary to argue the reasons for the ban. If there is a prohibition, then it should be permanent and not depend on anything.
The consequences of neglect of the crisis of three years
If adults do not show understanding in a difficult period of growing up, the child is likely to be disappointed not only in the family, but in the whole world around them, with which the crumbs can be seriously upset.
If a baby has a brother or sister to whom parents will be forced to spend a lot of time, you will need to try not to deprive him of attention by introducing to caring for a newborn.
It is believed that 3 years is the right time to design a baby in kindergarten. In fact this is not true. By experiencing difficult moments in their lives, kids can relate such an act of their parents to treason and harbor anger and resentment on them.
It will be necessary to talk with the child about whether he really wants to go to kindergarten now, whether the prospect of new acquaintances, spending time outside the house, attracts him, and then draw the appropriate conclusions and set a suitable date for this important event.
Despite the fact that the child experiences several crises in the first 3 years of life, in many families they pass almost unnoticed. It is a crisis of 3 years of age that turns out to be, as a rule, the first serious test for parents. Parents feel that their hitherto sweet and controlled child completely beats off their hands, and turns into some kind of monster who purposely ruffles their nerves. Listing the symptoms of a crisis, psychologists usually single them out 7, calling them the "seven-star crisis of 3 years." It:
negativism,
stubbornness
obstinacy
self-will
depreciation
and despotism (or jealousy).
These manifestations can be expressed in such forms that parents feel themselves on the verge nervous breakdownand from the side it sometimes seems that the child should be taken to a psychiatrist.
Sooner or later, the crisis ends, peace reigns - but the relationship between the parents and the child is different, and what the child has brought out of this storm will remain with him forever. And it will give itself to be known more than once, especially when passing the most “difficult age” - adolescence. Therefore, it is so important for parents of three-year-olds to help a child during the crisis of 3 years to draw what is called “correct conclusions”
To find out which conclusions will be correct, that is, they will help him build himself and his life according to successful scenarios, let's take a closer look at what actually happens during a crisis.
First, you need to make a reservation - the crisis is not at all obliged to occur precisely at 3 years. Depending on the circumstances of life and the characteristics of the child, the timing of the crisis varies from 2 to 3.5 years. Therefore, in reality, the crisis is characterized not by the age at which it occurs, but by the contradictions that are resolved in it.
In modern literature, you can find another name for the crisis, not tied to age, for example, "the crisis of early childhood."
The main problem that a child solves at this age is how to combine his own, separate from adults impulses and desires with his own desire to meet the requirements of adults. This is the famous contradiction between “I want” and “need”, which actually accompanies a person his whole life.
And how his child resolves during a crisis will be repeated again and again in his life. You can even say this: if the conclusions that the child draws during a crisis from his interaction with his parents will help him in his later life to build successful relationships with people around him, then this situation of success will be repeated again and again.
But if the model of behavior formed during the crisis leads to conflicts with the environment, then it is these conflicts that will be repeated again and again. And a person will face all his life with the contradiction between “I want” and “need”, and again and again to look for a way to combine these motifs within himself, not understanding why he always gets the same rake on the road.
If, at the age of 3, the child resolves the crisis in favor of his own “I want,” that is, he learns how to successfully “bend” parents to fit his needs, he will expect the same from the world. And in each new situation it will feel uncomfortable until it bends it under itself. And as the tools for power and mastering more and more new situations will use all the same parents. In essence, such a person himself does not control anything, and first of all, his own desires. On the contrary, desires dominate them. If he really succeeds (and with a really high level of energy and abilities it is possible) to bend the world for himself, he will seem very successful, but the success achieved by suppressing other people will not bring him a feeling of happiness. Historical examples of such personalities, I think, should not be listed. If the world does not want to bend, then there is a way to criminal authorities or professional fighters with the system ...
If, on the contrary, the parents will be able to “bend” the child, he will successfully learn how to “push in” his desires and will be a very convenient child both for parents and for school, and for all other public institutions. However, repressed desires will slowly erode it from the inside, leading to illness and failure. Low energy, anxiety and suspicion, inability to achieve their goals will make him an eternal victim of circumstances, a whiner, a regular client of psychotherapists. Or lead to all sorts of addictions, from gambling to alcoholism and drug addiction.
Of course, the described extreme scenarios are a rare case. Some kind of “cocktail” is usually formed - in some situations the parents bend, and in some, on the contrary, they manage to bend the child. As a result, a person has a certain set of situations in which he needs only victory, and accordingly, a set of chronic situations in which he feels like a loser. As a result, a person acquires the habit of avoiding some situations, in other situations he rules, and more or less successfully works in the society of the same “cocktail” fellow citizens. However, is it worth thinking that in this case a person lives in a state of happiness? By no means.
Anyway, in the fight of the motives “I want” and “it is necessary” if one motive wins, then the second one always loses! And for happiness, man needs the realization of both motives at the same time. That is, the child is important and the approval of adults and the realization of their desires. And the miracle is that at 3 years of age it is quite possible! It turns out that the desires of the child are not so terrible at all, and not so momentary. And the child’s problem is not that his desires should be immediately satisfied, but merely to learn how to manage them .. The child is in dire need of adult help, because strong cravings and impulses push him to do something and he needs to something to be with it, and its brain, its still just becoming thinking cannot cope with it.
There are several techniques for such parental help:
If a child starts to fight or spit - these are ways to express anger. It is very important to teach the child to express this negative emotion in the right way, namely with the word. In this case, in no case can you do two things: to condemn the child for the fact that he is experiencing this emotion and forbid him to express it. The ban on emotions leads to psychological illness.
Therefore, parents need to convey to the child the words and their own actions with the following thought “You are good, but you behave badly”
How to do it?
1. Let's teach him to call the word experienced emotion. "You're angry! You are very angry! You don't like it terribly, ”we say to the child when he is angry. And we say this not with condemnation, but with respect to the emotions of the child, because this is one of the manifestations of his own “I”, his individuality.
2. We show by our own example such a way of expressing emotions: “I was very angry that the toy was broken” - instead of scolding a child for a crime or, especially, spanking.
3. We do not allow a child to perform an undesirable action (you can hold his hand, restrict movement, or simply take him off his hands if he swings at the person who holds him in his arms) and confirm with the word “You can’t beat people!”
4. If the word “cannot” becomes an additional factor annoying the child, use other words that are synonyms: “We do not do this”, “They do not do this”
5. We will teach a child to direct aggression to a safe channel for others: “You are very angry, here, hit this pillow”. You can have a special elastic cushion in which “caprices” or “angry” will settle down and need to be knocked out from there. Sometimes there are special toys in the igrotherapy cabinets that personify aggression: the wolf, the crocodile, the Serpent Gorynych - their children are happy to beat and at the same time feel not gangsters, but heroes who defend their world from enemies. And this is a very important experience and the right direction for aggression.
6. Determine the cause of children's anger. If the child is healthy, then there is no causeless anger. If the child is angry, then something in his opinion goes wrong. But this “not so” may turn out to be very different: the hyper-care on the part of the parents, the mother instead of merry became sad, the lack of necessary boundaries for his own behavior or an unidentified day regimen.
7. If you find the cause of the negative emotions of the child, try to find a way to eliminate it - of course, not during an attack of aggression, but at a time when the child is calm. For example, if the reason is a restriction of the child’s independence, you need to find opportunities to “push” these boundaries, give more opportunities for your own actions: allow washing the dishes or getting food from the refrigerator, zip up clothes or carry a bag
And if the reason for your illness or poor emotional state is to take the time for yourself, take up wellness practices or another way that is acceptable for you to improve your well-being and energy state.
I will especially dwell on such an error in education, as the lack of boundaries.
It would seem that all allow the child - what he can be dissatisfied with? However, it is not. In the absence of reasonable restrictions, the child feels insecure, he simply feels fear. He feels that next to him there are no adults, strong, confident people who organize a rational order in the world. And being the very source of order is too much for the child. It's like living in a house without walls.
If a parent promises something and then does not do it - for example, threatens to punish and does not punish, or promises to leave and does not leave, promises to put to bed and does not stack - he does not create solid walls that protect the child from adversity, but leaves him in the open all the winds of space. The same effect is caused by the absence of clear rules and a reasonable daily regimen.
Of course, this is not all that you can write about the difficult, crisis age of 3 years. I considered only one of the symptoms accompanying this crisis. However, the note has already turned out quite large.
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What questions do you have about this?
Perhaps you disagree with something or some of the techniques seem strange and impracticable?
I look forward to your comments.
Finally, your child is exactly three. He is almost independent: he walks, runs and talks ... He can be trusted with much. Your demands are involuntarily increasing. He is trying to help you in everything.
And suddenly ... suddenly ... Something happens to your pet. It changes right before your eyes. And most importantly - for the worse. As if someone had replaced the child and instead of a pliable, soft and pliable, like plasticine, little man, he slipped you a harmful, wayward, stubborn, capricious creature.
Marinochka, bring the book, please, mother asks kindly.
“Not for plins,” Marinka says firmly.
- Give, granddaughter, I will help you, - as always, my grandmother suggests.
“No, I myself,” the granddaughter obstinately objects.
- Let's go for a walk.
- Will not go.
- Go eat lunch.
- I do not want.
- Listen to the tale.
- I will not ...
And so the whole day, week, month, and sometimes a year, every minute, every second ... As if the house is no longer a baby, but some kind of "nervously ruffled". He refuses what he always really liked. He does everything to spite everyone, shows disobedience in everything, even to the detriment of his own interests. And how offended when his pranks are suppressed ... Any bans rechecks. Then he starts to reason, then, in general, he stops talking ... Suddenly he refuses the pot ... like a robot, programmed, without listening to questions and requests, answers everyone: "no", "I can't", "I don't want", "I I will not. " “When will the last surprises end?” The parents ask again. “What to do with it? Uncontrollable, selfish, stubborn .. Everything he wants, but he still doesn’t know how.” "Don't mom and dad understand that I don't need their help?" - thinks the kid, claiming his "I". - "Really they do not see how smart I am, how beautiful! I am the best!" - a child admires himself during the period of “first love” to himself, experiencing a new dizzy feeling - “I myself!”
He singled out himself as "I" among the multitude of people around him, opposed himself to them. He wants to emphasize his difference from them.
- "I myself!"
- "I myself!"
- "I myself" ...
And this statement of the “I-system” is the basis of the personality by the end of early childhood. The jump from the realist to the dreamer ends with an "age of stubbornness." Obstinacy can turn your fantasies into reality and defend them.
At the age of 3, children expect from the family to recognize independence and independence. The child wants his opinion asked to consult with him. And he cannot wait for it to be sometime in the future. He just does not understand the future time. He needs everything immediately, immediately, now. And he is trying at all costs to gain independence and self-assert himself in victory, even if bringing inconvenience due to conflict with close people.
The increased needs of a three-year-old child can no longer be satisfied with the old style of communication with him, and the same way of life. And in protest, defending his "I", the child behaves "contrary to his parents", experiencing contradictions between "I want" and "necessary."
But we are talking about child development. And to any development process, besides slow changes, abrupt transitions-crises are also characteristic. To replace the gradual accumulation of changes in the personality of the child come violent fractures - it is impossible to reverse the development. Imagine a chicken that has not yet hatched from an egg. How safe is he there. And yet, at least instinctively, but he destroys the shell to get out. Otherwise, he would just suffocate under it.
Our custody for the child is the same shell. He is warm, it is cozy and safe to be under it. For a moment, he needs it. But our baby grows, changing from the inside, and suddenly a time comes when he realizes that the shell interferes with growth. Let the growth be painful ... and yet the child is no longer instinctive, but the conscious, but breaks the "shell" to experience the vicissitudes of fate, to know the unknown, to experience the unknown. And the main discovery is the discovery of oneself. He is independent, he can do anything. But ... because of the age possibilities, the baby cannot do without a mother. And he is angry at her for this and "revenges" with tears, objections, whims. He cannot conceal his crisis, he, like a hedgehog's needles, sticks out and is directed only against adults, who are always at his side, looking after him, warning all his desires, not noticing and not realizing that he can already do it yourself With other adults, peers, brothers and sisters, the child is not even going to conflict.
According to psychologists, a child in 3 years is going through one of the crises, the end of which marks a new stage of childhood - pre-school childhood.
Crises are necessary. They are the driving force of development, its peculiar steps, the stages of changing the child’s leading activity.
In 3 years, the leading role becomes role-playing game. The child starts playing adults and imitating them.
An unfavorable consequence of crises is the increased sensitivity of the brain to environmental influences, the vulnerability of the central nervous system due to deviations in the restructuring of the endocrine system and metabolism. In other words, the climax of the crisis is both a progressive, qualitatively new evolutionary leap, and a functional imbalance unfavorable to the health of the child.
Functional imbalance is also maintained by the rapid growth of the child’s body, an increase in its internal organs. Adaptation-compensatory capabilities child's body decrease, children are more susceptible to diseases, especially neuropsychiatric. While the physiological and biological restructuring of the crisis does not always attract attention, changes in the behavior and character of the baby are noticeable to everyone.
how parents should behave during the crisis of a child of 3 years:
According to whom the crisis of a child of 3 years is directed to, one can judge his attachments. As a rule, the mother is in the center of events. And the main responsibility for the correct way out of this crisis lies with it. Remember that the baby is suffering from the crisis itself. But the crisis of 3 years is an important stage in mental development child, marking the transition to a new step of childhood. Therefore, if you see that your favorite has changed very dramatically, and not for the better, try to work out the correct line of your behavior, become more flexible in educational activities, expand the rights and duties of the child and, within reason, let him taste his independence to enjoy it. .
Know that the child does not just disagree with you, he tests your character and finds weak points in it in order to influence them while defending their independence. He rechecks with you several times a day - whether what you forbid him is really forbidden, and maybe - possible. And if there is even the slightest possibility of “can”, then the child achieves his own not from you, so from the father, from the grandparents. Don't be mad about it for it. And it is better to balance the right encouragement and punishment, affection and severity, not forgetting that the child’s “egoism” is naive. After all, it is we, and no one else, who taught him that his every desire is like an order. And suddenly - for some reason something is impossible, something is forbidden, something is refused to him. We have changed the system of requirements, and why - the child is difficult to understand.
And in retaliation, he says no to you. Do not be offended for it at him. After all, this is your ordinary word when you bring it up. And he, believing himself independent, imitates you. Therefore, when the desires of the child far exceed the real possibilities, find a way out in a role-playing game, which from 3 years becomes the leading activity of the child.
For example, your child does not want to eat, although hungry. You do not beg him. Cover the table and set the bear on the chair. Pretend that the bear has come to dinner and asks the baby, as an adult, to try, if the soup is too hot, and, if possible, feed him. The child, like a big one, sits down next to the toy and unwittingly, playing with the teddy bear, eats completely the lunch.
At 3 years of age, a child is flattered if you call him on the phone personally, send letters from another city, ask for his advice, or give him some “adult” gifts like a ballpoint pen for writing.
For the normal development of the baby, it is desirable during a 3-year crisis that the child feels that all adults in the house know that next to them is not a baby, but their friend and friend, equal to them.
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