Children often act up and throw up tantrums, and they do it at the most inopportune moment. Parents first ask their child to calm down, but soon many of them lose their patience and go to the cuffs. As a result, children's screams are only amplified, and the life of adults turns into a real test. Why does a child become unmanageable, and how to correct his behavior?
Causes of child tantrums
All children periodically experience the patience of their parents and do things that put them in an awkward position. According to experts, this is a rational justification. Screams and tantrums are just natural stages of development.
According to biologist and anthropologist at University College London Emily Emmott, the main problem lies in the time parents spend with their own children. To an adult, it may seem like a child gets enough attention. It’s necessary for a baby to have mom and dad permanently near and belong only to him. Children still do not understand that adults have work, friends and personal affairs, for which they also need strength.
The little man does not know how to correctly explain to parents that he lacks their love and care. The easiest way for a child to draw attention to themselves is to shout loudly and flush with your feet. The fact that the wishes and needs of others are important to consider is obvious for adults, but not for children. Understanding of these things is not given to man from birth, but comes only with experience. The child sincerely believes that he should always receive what he wants. If his whim is not performed, the kid tries to achieve the desired method available to him, that is, hysterics.
Is the child's bad behavior normal or abnormal?
All babies are deeply individual, and each may have their own motives for disobedience. It is a detailed analysis of the reasons for the bad behavior of the child is the key to his "correction". To understand where the roots of the vagaries and tantrums grow from, use the following guidelines:
1. Consider the “functional age” of the child.
Parents often throw phrases like “stop acting like a baby!” To their children. They are confident that as they grow older, the child should become more serious. However, all children develop at different rates, under the influence of certain factors. Therefore, when assessing their behavior, it is not always necessary to focus on the date indicated in the birth certificate.
Psychologists advise parents to understand what age is the level of development of their offspring. In one area, the child may be ahead of their peers, in the other - a little behind. This is absolutely normal. Especially often such contradictions in behavior are found among adolescents. An 11-year-old child can talk as an adult, swing her rights, and in the next moment she can ask her to fix the blanket before going to bed, to cook something delicious.
2. Keep a diary of behavior
Adults can be difficult to put themselves in the child’s place and look at what is happening with his eyes. Therefore, it often seems to them that there is no reason for bad behavior, but this is not the case.
Parents should start a diary, describing changes in the behavior of the baby, namely:
- everything that preceded the scandal;
- events after which the baby calmed down;
- how were the days when the child was obedient and calm.
This method will help build a chain of events and identify factors that provoke outbreaks of anger.
3. Do not be afraid to see a doctor.
Problems with the behavior of children are often caused by the characteristics of age and pass by themselves when a child grows up. However, there is one thing: if parents do not understand the exact reasons for the hysterics of their offspring, they will still not respond correctly. Reproaches, cuffs, retaliatory aggression does not contribute to good education.
Are you very worried about the child's behavior? Do not be afraid and do not hesitate to contact the therapist. If your baby has health problems, it is important to diagnose and treat as soon as possible. However, most likely, the doctor will advise you good child psychologist. He will talk to the baby and determine why he rolls tantrums. Once you know what causes negative reactions in a child, you can eliminate them.
4. Discuss problems with other parents.
Psychologists urge parents to explore the experience of other people who have children of the same age — friends, relatives, and good acquaintances. Raising a child is really difficult. All parents have problems with the behavior of their children, so there is nothing wrong with discussing them.
Perhaps someone will start to build from himself the most experienced educator and insist that he knows exactly what your problem is. However, in general, conversations with other parents will allow you to better understand when and why children's behavior is getting out of control. You will be able to detect factors that previously did not pay attention.
Allowance for the education of an obedient child
Raising a child is a difficult and responsible process. Parents know their children well, but often find themselves helpless before their tantrums. Therefore, it is not rational to rely only on your own strength. The advice of experienced specialists, who managed to communicate with a large number of families and conduct a lot of research on how different factors influence a child’s behavior, can provide invaluable help in education.
Sleep control is the key to good behavior
In 2013, British scientists conducted a large-scale study among 10,000 children aged 3-7 years. The results showed that there is an objective connection between the unregulated night sleep and the bad behavior of the child during the day.
According to Yvonne Kelly, a professor at the Department of Epidemiology and Population Health at University College London, the unfixed day regimen affects not only the body, but also the child's mind. In such conditions, he feels something like sensations when changing time zones. It interferes with healthy development and causes behavioral abnormalities. Disruption of sleep in preschool age can also provoke serious health problems that will last a lifetime.
Than longer child does not get enough sleep, the more pronounced violations in his behavior, namely:
- hyperactivity;
- emotional instability;
- difficulties in communicating with peers.
The good news is that all the negative effects are reversible. If the parents begin to control the child's sleep mode, soon his behavior will begin to improve.
What is good and what is bad
According to the University of Massachusetts professor Rachel Kel, the parents' task is to teach the child to behave correctly. Adults must establish the boundaries of what is permitted and constantly explain that they cannot be violated. Even babies respond well to training. When the baby is 3 years old, he can say straight out: “If you don’t stop behaving unthinkingly, you’ll have to go to your room and sit there a little while until you calm down.”
It is important to start the educational process as early as possible, because it will not work out to inspire anything to a teenager. When a child behaves well, along with praise he needs to explain what exactly he did correctly. The baby must remember how to act. Did he put the toys in the box? Not enough simple words "well done". Tell him that you are grateful for his help in cleaning, or pay attention to how comfortable and beautiful the room has become. The next time he wants to help his mother.
Praise for developing a behavior model
It is important for children to feel the care and approval of their parents - this is what they often achieve with their tantrums. Praise them not only for good behavior, but even for trying to do something well.
It is important for parents to understand that they themselves often make mistakes, so it’s not right to demand ideal actions from children. The brain of the baby will be formed until adolescence. He is not yet able to rationally evaluate actions and take right decisions. It takes a lot of time and effort of parents to teach a child to behave well and unlearn how to behave badly.
Approval by loved ones will help the baby to remember how to act. It will be an excellent motivation to behave well. The child needs parental caress and does not want to upset them, but just does not understand what adults are expecting from him.
"No" to the war of interests
Professor of the University of Massachusetts Rachel Kelem advises parents to be steadfast and not to cave in under the child. The kid made a scandal because he did not buy a toy? Determine how you will act, and stick to your decision to the bitter end.
The child quickly calculates that if he poorat a little longer and louder, the parents at some point will not stand it and make concessions. As a result, he begins to manipulate adults and scream every time he does not get what he wants. If you feel that this time will not stand for a long time, give in before the start of the tantrum. So you keep your nerves and calm atmosphere in the house. If you decide not to give in, stand your ground to the end, no matter how much the baby cries. As a result, he will understand that the manipulation did not work, and he will calm down.
What not to do?
Sometimes parents, without knowing it, can provoke the kid on scandals and tantrums. If you want to raise an obedient and calm child, do not make the following mistakes:
1. Do not show your anger to children
Like lips, children absorb everything that they “spy” from their parents. If you show your anger in their address, they will mirror your behavior and will more often throw you into hysterics.
Of course, all parents are periodically angry with their child. However, David Spellman, a child psychotherapist from Lancashire, insists that the kid is not doing well. The specialist explains that parents do not even realize how much their children are hurt, talking to them irritably. When raising children, one must exercise remarkable patience and find a balance between severity and kindness.
If the child is behaving badly, he needs to clearly say what he is doing wrong. If you scream, the baby just will not hear you. Said in an angry voice will seem incomprehensible to him. As a result, the child will only harbor an insult and begin to disgrace the parents.
2. Do not read the notation
When raising a child, gingerbread works more efficiently than a whip. A man who was punished in childhood remembers this as an adult and keeps a hidden insult. Parents always explain to their adult child that they scolded him for his own good. However, experts are sure: punishment causes only negative consequences.
According to Professor Kel, parents are better to focus the attention of children on the moments when they do something right and less to blame them for their bad deeds. In this case, what is good in the mind of a little person will be deposited. He will try to behave as it should, to earn parental approval. Continue to praise and encourage his efforts to keep the child in the same spirit.
3. Do not remove the "golden stars" for breaking the rules
A popular method of controlling the behavior of children is tablets. They help parents to get their child to fulfill their requests. If he does a good deed (cleans up toys, makes a bed), a star is attached to the plate, but they are removed for wrongdoing. To do so is a huge mistake, says Professor Kelem.
The specialist explains that the plates with the stars are a great way to negotiate with the child. He sees his achievements and expects to be further encouraged. Every star baby deserved. This is a result that is not subject to revision. If the child is behaving badly, focus his attention on the fact that he was left without a new star, but do not take away the already deserved ones.
4. Do not put the kids in the corner
Professor Kelem explains that changing activities is a very effective method of influencing naughty children. However, “pulling out” a child from a situation in which he behaves badly must be abruptly, without swearing and violence. By sending the baby to the corner, the parents literally hang the label “you are bad” on their child. How can he correct his behavior if you yourself suggest to him that he cannot do otherwise?
You can not say out loud phrases like "you are a terrible child," "I am ashamed of your behavior." It is better to say softly to the baby that he is too dispersed, and ask him to go sit in his room for a couple of minutes to recover.
Parents need to remember one thing: by bad behavior, the child often tries to get them to spend more time with him. Yes, in this case, it causes adult dissatisfaction and risks being punished. However, the child is satisfied with any attention from the parents. Try to spend more time with your peanut when he behaves well. This will be the best encouragement for the baby, which he will try to get with all his might.
What to do if a child behaves badly - advice from a child psychologist Julia Milovanov
Naughty child - School of Doctor Komarovsky
Many mummies, and even daddies believe that their child eats poorly and remains hungry during the day, and sometimes several days.
Perhaps it is so, but still try to figure it out.
Is it harmful for a child not to eat?
Why does he (she) eat so little?
When will these endless snacks end?
He (she) will not die of hunger?
Maybe the baby is sick?
The reasons that children do not eat a lot. Let us dwell on the most relevant and frequent.
The baby does not eat well - DAY MODE
Let's start in the morning. The child did not eat in the morning. Mom begins to worry, and suddenly he does not eat in the kindergarten, at school, in the classroom, what then. Well then - most likely he will not die from this. Maybe he is your “owlet” and just his biological breakfast clock will come a little later.
Do not worry, the child will not go hungry even without you, probably in a team, looking at other children (in the garden) or so that nobody eats his portion (at school), he willingly and quickly eats everything that was put on the plate.
If a child attends school or preschoolthen with lunch and afternoon tea and even dinner there should be no problems, because in the company food is always tastier.
At lunch, if the child is at home, then of course, you need to eat the first liquid dish. This not only improves digestion, but also promotes harmony in the family, it's so nice when all family members gather around the table.
Remember, at least once a day, the whole family should sit down together at the table and eat!
It is from childhood to teach your children to order and nutrition throughout life.
If a child eats a little (again, it only seems to you, because his stomach is many times smaller than an adult), or refused the second course altogether, do not insist, perhaps, from the fed.
A child does not eat well - IF A CHILD IS HEALTHY
If your child looks healthy, is not naughty, plays, there is no reason to worry. Moreover, it is summer now, it is hot enough, and the body may not require calories, but only water.
Do not force the child to overeat!
Do not force to eat! Indeed, it is better to eat less than more. Remember how all of us in childhood were forced to eat everything before
last baby?
However, it is much easier for the body to cope with a small amount of food than with a large one. When we eat a lot, we simply stretch the stomach with food, thus disturbing the digestive processes. Offer, but do not force, if the child is hungry, he will eat or he will ask you about it. There is an old saying: “Keep your head in the cold, your stomach is hungry, and your feet are warm - you will live on Earth for a hundred years”
If you think that lack of appetite is not normal, but you need to pay attention to the health of your baby. It often happens that way, especially if you visit the children's team, that the child has some kind of hidden infection that affects his digestive processes. I would advise to pass tests for the presence of worms in the body of the baby.
If your child does not eat well, use the recommendations.
Sasha had been sitting at the table for an hour, with his cheeks propped on his hands. Grandmother persuaded him to eat another spoonful of porridge.
Sasha could not even look at her, she was so nasty, so sticky and slippery. He did not want to put it in his mouth.
The sun was shining outside the window, and his friends had already gone out for a walk. Sasha really wanted them, but the grandmother did not allow her to leave the table until he ate everything..
Sasha sat and thought out how to get rid of this hated porridge. Maybe throw it in the trash? No, Grandma might notice. Or put in your pocket, and then, while walking, throw it away on the street? It also does not fit, clothes get dirty, and grandma will understand everything. Eh, what to do with this porridge?
Why does a child eat badly?
Many families are familiar with the tension that arises in the relationship between parents and a child who does not eat well, and every feeding turns into a battle.
Sometimes this problem provokes the attitude of adults to the process of feeding.
This is partly due to our subconscious, which is in captivity of the stereotype that plump, big child - this is a healthy baby. Therefore, providing the child with enough food is the most important expression of maternal love. Parents start literally “feeding” their baby, and he begins to resist. Now food gets much easier and so abundant that adults, remembering past times, are not able to understand how all this can be eaten when it is so accessible.
The child’s reluctance can be caused by a variety of reasons, depending on both the surrounding conditions and the state of the child.
Most often, feeding problems are caused by a loss of appetite in a child.
The main reason for this is a violation of the diet. Appetite is quickly lost if the child is given various delicacies in the interval between two feedings, and, if desired, they are offered milk instead of water, sweet juices or drinks.
Monotonous food is also a cause of reduced appetite. If the child cooks the same thing day after day, then such food will quickly bother him, and the baby will begin to refuse it.
Those parents who try to feed their children with deception or force make a mistake. For example, "Oh, look, the dog is running, she is going to eat your porridge, and now eat it faster." Or adults give the child a portion much more than they should be, and when they meet resistance, they try to forcefully put it in their mouth. This does not lead to a positive result, but only forms an undesirable skill in the child: he sits for hours at the table.
Often, the child's appetite is affected by conflicts in the family. Tensions between parents, quarrels scare children and make them nervous. Small children still do not understand that mom and dad are arguing, but they feel great hostility and hostility, which makes them naughty and eat badly.
Not only strong negative experiences, but also pleasant ones can lead to a decrease in appetite. Often fun and interesting, but prolonged classes cause general fatigue, even overwork and loss of appetite in a child.
The child’s lack of desire can also be caused by poor health due to some disease (inflammation in the nasopharynx, worms, kidney disease, etc.).
What to do to avoid nutritional problems?
For a young child is very important diet. Try to avoid snacking: do not give your baby anything until the next meal. Sweets and fruits are best left for dessert in addition to lunch or dinner.
If the child (not at meal time) wants to drink, give him water, not sweet drinks, juices, which leads to a decrease in appetite.
Just like an adult, a child can get bored with the same dishes. Even if the child is very small, you should not feed him with monotonous food all the time. Try to make the baby's diet as rich and useful as possible, since different foods contain different vitamins and trace elements necessary for the child.
Remember how Deniska from Victor Dragunsky's story “The Secret Becomes Explicit” ate a porridge? He twisted it, twirled it, slapped it with a spoon, and, as a result, threw it out the window.
Therefore, try to prepare food so that it has an appetizing taste and smell, beautifully decorate and serve the dish so that it has an attractive appearance. For example, porridge can be decorated with slices of fresh fruit or using jam to draw a funny face on it.
Try to impose small portions on your child so that it will not be frightened by the appearance of a plate full to the brim.
You should not serve all dishes at once. Each next dish the child should receive after eating the previous one.
Many children do not like too hard food. If the child does not eat solid food (casseroles, meatballs), then water it with liquid gravy or let's drink something.
Make sure your child is comfortable sitting at the table. Do not rush the baby, let him eat calmly, chewing food thoroughly. The duration of breakfast and dinner is about 15-20 minutes, lunch - about 30 minutes. If a child eats excessively fast, then the food is digested worse.
In the case when the child suddenly refuses to eat what the whole family eats and gives preference to any one dish, try to show patience and flexibility. Maybe in this way your baby wants to declare himself as a person and how selective his taste is. You will see that if you do not focus on this attention, the tension will quickly subside and your child will again eat the same as the whole family.
Do not try to feed the child by deception or force. Such methods can very quickly discourage the child's appetite. Parenting tricks like “a spoon for mom, a spoon for dad” do not really go away, because the child is well aware that under the guise of a game they are trying to feed an unwanted dish.
Do not resort to threats or blackmail. For example: "Do not eat soup - you will not go for a walk!". Such methods will cause the child to stop believing you and start to be afraid. The appetite for this will not improve, and the atmosphere in the family may become worse.
In general, the child’s appetite is greatly affected by the atmosphere in the family. Therefore, avoid loud clarification of relationships, conflicts and quarrels, especially during meals. When a child is nervous, his appetite may completely disappear.
If the child refuses to eat "for no reason at all", then this may be a sign of an incipient illness.
Do not try to feed the child at all, if he is feeling unwell. If the child is sick, then consult with your doctor about his diet, sometimes drinking plenty of fluids is enough.
It must be remembered that in the hot season, for most healthy children, the appetite usually decreases. The heat causes an increase in thirst and a decrease in appetite, especially for fatty foods. Under the influence of overheating, the secretion of digestive juices is reduced. Therefore, please note that persistent feeding of children in the hot months, regardless of the condition of the child, can lead to acute digestive disorders.
Consider for the future
Parents serve the child as a model for the right attitude to nutrition. Show a positive attitude to various foods and dishes, because you are an example of table behavior, so try to eat the same food with your child.
- During the meal, talk with the child and involve him in the process of communication. Family dinners have a very important social meaning. Therefore, attach your child to this process so that he can enjoy not only food, but also communication. Let your child learn not only to deftly handle the knife and fork, but also master the art of conversation, expressing your own thoughts and listening to the opinions of others.
- Treat the child as a person, who may also have their own preferences and tastes, let the child participate in drawing up the menu, respect his choice, prepare him what he wants.
- Try to involve the child in the preparation of some dishes. If the child will help you, he will be happy to eat what was prepared with his participation.
- From the age of 3, a child can be attracted to table setting, cleaning and washing dishes.
- Remember that children who walk a little and lack sleep, as a rule, eat poorly. Therefore, do not forget that frequent walks on the street, outdoor games and restful sleep are important for good appetite.
Closer to 2 years old, the child’s behavior begins to change. Increasingly, you can face bad behavior. When the child specifically does what is impossible, while slyly looking at the mother. Psychologists have given the name to such behavior - "checking boundaries." But what to do when this parental strength test continues around the clock? How to behave if the child does not obey and continues to do what is not allowed? Do the child have an occasion or show stamina?
Child checks borders
The child explores the world in practice. And he is interested in finding out the causal relationships: “What will happen if ...?” Perhaps he thinks: “How interesting! Mom got angry at me for pouring tea on the table. Interestingly, is it only during breakfast or during lunch too? ... Only yesterday or today too? ... But for some reason it is allowed to pour water in the bath, my mother showed me how to pour water from a glass into a glass while bathing ... Maybe I should pour water on these papers on the desktop? "
To understand how something works, a child needs to go through a process many, many times. And he passes, trying again and again. It seems that the child specifically chooses the moment when we are at the limit. Specially behaves so as to bring us out of ourselves. A special “cunning” look also brings us closer to this thought. When the baby looks, as if telling: “I'm going to do something that you do not allow. What will you do with it? ”
However, the child, in fact, hardly wants to bring us to the boiling point. It simply explores, checks boundaries again and again. Some children make conclusions faster, some learn the boundaries around the clock for months. Of course, this is a difficult period for parents. But the realization that it is normal, that it will soon pass, helps a little.
Be calm
If you succumb to this behavior, behave too emotionally, you can fix a negative pattern in your child. Watching you make funny faces, boil, run and shout - funny for a child. And, most likely, having established such a connection between “no” and your unusual behavior, the child will repeat the bad deed over and over again. This is especially true for children younger than a year. Even when we scold them, they have fun, because something unusual is happening.
I remember how I tried to teach my daughter not to touch the outlet, she was 8-10 months old. She could not speak, made a strict face, expressed her discontent. However, she only had fun and touched again, specially.
Older children may seek parental attention with such bad behavior. You do not pay attention to the child, are busy with something of their own, and the baby undertakes something that will surely take you out of yourself. And finally, he will get his share of attention. Let the negative, but noticed.
Firm sure "stop!" In the form of I-messages
In fact, the child wants to be stopped. He feels safe when the parent says “stop” on time, takes control.
A calm, confident tone will work better than anger and screams. The child should be stopped, but at the same time not forget about respect for him as a person. Do not use degrading words or labels like "you are bad." The imperative mood (quickly stop!) Also works against you. Instead, use the so-called "I-messages":
- "I want you to be careful"
- “I need you to help me take your clothes off.”
- "I don't like it when you run away"
When you have to condemn, condemn the act of the child, not his own. With the help of I-messages, we talk about our emotions about what the child has done, give him instructions, but not commanding him. When possible, also explain the reason why you dislike his behavior. Give instructions and the opportunity to act, so that "both the sheep are safe and the wolves are fed."
For example: “I do not like that you tear a book. The book is spoiled, and we can no longer watch it with pleasure. I hear that you are crying and still want to tear this book. But I have to remove this book until we have repaired it. Instead of a book, I will give you old newspapers that you can tear. ”
We can also voice what happens if the child does not fulfill our request. We must also voice and accept the negative emotions of the child, that his fun was interrupted:
“I want you to put this toy in place. She is not ours and should stay here. I see that you do not want to part with this toy. And keep it tight hold. If you can’t put this toy on your own, I will help you unclench your fingers. ”
When parents are on the verge
It is really difficult to keep in mind that the child’s “bad behavior” is within the normal range. It is even more difficult to get control of yourself in time and to behave “correctly” - not to get lost, not angry, to remain calm and confident while building I-messages. It is especially annoying to say the same thing over and over again. Therefore, sometimes parents break down.
At the end of a difficult day, when we are especially tired, we can let the child play with toothpaste, pretending not to notice. Only because we do not have the moral and physical strength to solve this situation. However, next time, the child will think that you can play with toothpaste (because you didn’t say anything last time). The best solution would be to honestly admit to the child that the last time you were allowed to play with pasta just because you were very tired. But pasta is not for games. And you will not allow him to play with her and spread everywhere.
Sometimes bad behavior drives us to an emotional outburst. We do not stand up and shout at the child. The child is crying, offended, upset. And we harass ourselves with guilt. As in the example above, it is necessary to confess to the child what happened. Say that you are very tired and were on the verge of, and his act was the last straw, you broke loose. We have to admit that shouting (and especially slapping) is not right, apologize to the child. And calmly discuss the situation with the bad deed.
I am an emotional person. And when I didn’t get enough sleep, I was tired, hungry, it’s hard for me to stay calm, especially if my daughter does everything to make me angry. It happens that I break down. I scream at the child, go to another room or to the street. And I understand that I just made a mistake, fell through. I calm down and go to apologize to my daughter, discussing her and my behavior.
Stop the child’s bad behavior physically
Sometimes the child starts up in his bad behavior so much that it requires him to be physically stopped. And although, in no case can not beat the child (even with a slap), because it gives him a model that it is normal to beat other people. There are other safe ways to stop a baby.
For example, when Vanessa became very angry, she began to disrupt her anger on other children. She walked over to the smaller child and pushed him. Mama went to Vanessa and said: “Vanessa, you pushed the baby. You're really angry. ” However, voicing the child’s feelings did not help, and Vanessa went to push the other child. Mom quickly and gently stopped Vanessa, blocking her path by herself. "Vanessa, I will not allow you to offend other children." She gently and gently made her arms around Vanessa so that she could not escape. Mom continued to talk to Vanessa in a calm voice: “You look angry. You're angry that you have taken away a toy. But even if you are angry, I will not allow you to offend other children. You can beat this ball. ” Having finished hitting the ball, Vanessa exhaled with relief and merry ran to play.
For younger children, it becomes commonplace to take out their anger by hitting and offending other children. It is important for the parent to stop the child, if necessary, physically. So that other children do not suffer. However, it is necessary to voice the feelings of the child, so that he understands that he is angry - this is normal. And also to give him the opportunity to take out this aggression on something else (a toy, a pillow). If the child does not want to take help, choosing to remain evil, let him that. Protecting him from harming himself and others.
findings
When a child misbehaves and does not obey, our task as parents is to keep calm and clear mind. Applying the method of voicing emotions and self-messages to show that we understand the child, but at the same time, are unhappy with him behavior.Behavior, not the child himself. If required, you need to stop the child physically, while in no way hitting him. Offer a safe alternative to eliminating negative emotions.
the article was written using the book “1, 2, 3 ...Thetoddleryears "
And how do you cope with the bad behavior of children?
Katechkina Katya -
A child’s bad behavior is his way of bringing something to his parents. Children are far from always able to express with words what concerns them or why they are dissatisfied; therefore, unspoken protests and offenses affect their actions and actions. If the parent does not try to understand the reasons for this behavior, then he risks fixing it and can be sure that it will be repeated again and again.
Why is it so important to know why the child has ceased to obey you and behaves badly? Because this answer will contain a secret how to fix it. Punishment can only have a short-term effect, and it will not help correct the child’s negative behavior. The only thing that it can do for sure is to leave a deep insult in the soul of the child, the realization that he was not listened to and did not understand. That is why the parental response is very important: it either exacerbates the child’s bad behavior, or helps to positively resolve the conflict.
13 reasons that explain a child’s bad behavior
By the way, there is a scientific explanation why children from time to time “overflow” - these are normal stages of development.
“In fact, between the amount of attention and time that parents want and can give the child, and how much attention and time the child needs, there is a big difference. From a child’s point of view, he should own all your time and attention - because the baby is developing in this way, ”says Emily Emmott, a biologist and anthropologist at University College London. - And parents, of course, need power for themselves and for friends.
Children just do not know how to “correctly” make it clear that they lack attention. So it turns out - the child thinks that the best way to capture the attention of parents - is to arrange a tantrum, a good shout. In addition, children are not from birth have the ability to understand what the other person wants, they need to learn this. In the meantime, all that they understand is that they want something, but they are not given this. ”
Clear sleep patterns are the key to good behavior.
A study conducted in 2013, in which more than 10,000 children aged 3, 5, and 7 years took part, showed that there is an objective and statistically reliable link between the disordered sleep pattern and the problem behavior of the child during the day.
Professor Yvonne Kelly from the Department of Epidemiology and Public Health at University College London said: “The lack of a fixed daily regimen causes the child’s body and mind to experience something like a time zone change, which affects their healthy development and behavior. Sleep disturbances, especially those that occur at a key age for a child’s development, can lead to serious health consequences that will affect their entire future life. ”
The study confirmed a clear link between sleep and child behavior. It also showed that negative changes in the child’s behavior are reversible — as soon as the normal day routine is established, the behavior begins to change for the better.
As the child grows up without getting enough sleep, his behavior worsens, which is manifested in his hyperactivity, difficulties with peers and emotional problems. However, children who go on a regular schedule of the day, there is an improvement in behavior. "
For a child to understand “what is good and what is bad,” encouragement is more effective than punishment.
How often parents say to their already grown up children: “Yes, we punished you for your own good!”, “Yes, they scolded you, but you also wanted good!” ... But is it really so?
Rachel Kelem, a professor at the Department of Child and Family Psychology at the University of Massachusetts, says: “The patterns of good behavior are much better fixed if more attention is paid to the moments when the child behaves well than if you focus on those episodes when the child does something So".
“Often parents focus all their attention on what seems to them wrong in the child’s behavior. But in fact, if the parents focus their attention on the moments when the child behaves well, the child will try to behave in such a way as to win the approval of the parents. Praise the child for good behavior, encourage him and thereby encourage him to continue to behave in the same spirit.
It often happens that a child gets much more parental attention — albeit with a minus sign — when they behave badly. And here it's up to the parents - understand this and try to pay more attention to the child when he behaves well - he will try to get your attention by good behavior. ”
To consolidate the patterns of good behavior, the child needs to be explained what makes it so good.
“If the child took the toys behind it, it’s not enough to say:“ Good girl ”or“ Good for you, ”says Kelem,“ you need to say why you like this child’s behavior. It’s better to say: “Thank you for putting away the toys, - you help me so much when you put things in order” or “Look how it felt good in the room when you put everything in its place”.
Children in all "mirror" the behavior of parents - and your anger and anger too
Absolutely all parents are angry with children. “But teaching what’s good and what’s bad doesn’t mean screaming at a child,” says David Spellman, a child psychotherapist in Lancashire. “I’m sure that we very often underestimate how a negative parental voice makes a strong negative impact on a child. Yes, it requires work on oneself and patience, but parents should be both strict and kind at the same time.
It is necessary to clearly say what is and what is not, but not to shout or scream. If you speak evil and angry with a child, he simply will not “hear” you, and everything that you are trying to say in such a tone will remain completely incomprehensible to him. ”
Praise the child if he did something ALMOST right
None of the adults is imperfect, and children in particular. Their brains and ability to make decisions are still being formed (and will be formed before adolescence, and even after). Children need a lot of time to learn how to behave well and “unlearn” is bad. “So it only remains to be patient,” Spellman says. “Praise the child for what he has done almost well and for the fact that he is trying to do something good.”
There is no "early" to learn good behavior.
“It’s never too early to set clear boundaries and praise good behavior,” Kelem notes. - Infants learn good as well as one year old children. And as a three-year-old, you can quite openly and calmly say: “If you are going to continue to be so disgraceful, you will have to go and sit on a chair in another room for a few minutes until you calm down.” You understand that when your child is taller than you are, it will be much harder for him to impress something. So do everything on time. ”
Try not to get involved in a “war of interests”: ready to give in - give in immediately
See what is going to hysteria? Does your baby have a bad mood? Is everything wrong for him? “At this point, either stand firm and hold your ground,” says Kelem, “or give the child what he wants without letting the hysteric gain strength. We all have been in a situation where the child whines, and whines, and whines, begging for something, and the parent eventually yields. And so the child learns that all that is necessary is to poorat loudly and pony for a longer time - and the parent will give up. The behavior of the parents must be completely clear: if you want to give in - give in immediately, without waiting for hysterics and whining. Decided to stand on your own - stand, do not change their behavior due to the fact that your child screams and whines. "
Each child has his own pace of development, and his age is not always a good benchmark for assessing his behavior.
“Enough to behave like a baby!”, “At your age, it’s just a shame to behave like this!” Is another beaten cliche from the parental arsenal. Many parents are convinced that as the child grows older, he "forgets" the "kid" behavior patterns.
Spellman recalls: “All children are completely different, and everyone’s development is affected by so many things, that waiting for“ age appropriate behavior ”is not very reasonable.”
“The child’s calendar age is not a very reliable criterion for assessing behavior. Children are very, very different in terms of the stages of development. It is important for parents to understand what the “functional age” of their child is, the “age for development”. And in some areas a child may even be very developed, and in another - a toddler. Especially in adolescents it happens - just talked as if he was not 11, but all 21, and then he could ask to sit with him while he falls asleep and tuck a blanket, or cook a chicken soup. ”
If you use the child's behavior assessment table - do not be tempted to remove the "golden star" for breaking the rules
Such signs on the kitchen wall, designed to encourage a child to do what their parents require of them, are now very popular. I did it right (for example, I made the bed myself) - I got a star in the table. But, Kelem notes, very often parents make a big mistake, first giving this very asterisk, and then removing it for some kind of offense.
"Such tables are very good way agree with the child, they work very effectively. The meaning is that the child sees, he has a visual display of his good behavior, and he knows that there will be encouragement for good deeds. But parents often make a serious mistake by selecting an already deserved asterisk. It is very important to understand: if a child deserves something - he deserves it, and it is not subject to revision, no matter what he did afterwards. ”
Cancel all those “corners” and “steps for the disobedient.”
Kelem notes: “In general,“ to pull out ”a child from a situation when he misbehaves is a very effective strategy. Just need to do it quickly, without screaming and abuse. To be honest, I don’t like all these “go to the corner”, because with this “corner” you glue the label “you are bad” onto the child. And you want something not to stick a label, but so that the child stops doing something bad, right? So don't tell him: “you bad baby"," You are disgusting, "putting in a corner.
It’s better to say: “Something you have broken up ... Go sit quietly on a chair in your room - and as you calm down, come to me.”
Keeping a behavior diary is a good way to understand what provokes a child’s bad behavior.
If you are looking for a way to control changes in a child’s behavior, a diary in this can be very useful. Writing down how a child behaved one day or another, was naughty, was hysterical, or was in a good mood, you can track down what provokes your child’s bad behavior.
“Writing down what the child did before the scandal or outburst of anger, and what happened after, you will see these chains of events and be able to understand why everything suddenly went wrong on such a day,” advises Kelem.
If you need help, feel free to ask for it.
Are you alarmed by the child’s behavior? Is something wrong in your opinion? There is no shame in referring to a therapist. This does not mean that your child will immediately be diagnosed or prescribed some medications - but the same therapist may advise, for example, a good child psychologist.
In general, not only professionals can help you. Friends, relatives, other parents can give good advice in a difficult situation related to raising a child.
“Being a parent is really difficult, without any exaggeration, and it is absolutely normal that sometimes it is very difficult for you. And if you have someone to discuss the accumulated problems - do not hesitate. Of course, there will always be people who categorically declare: “Only this and that will help you,” Spellman emphasizes. - But try to just talk to other parents, especially those with children of the same age as yours. Do not be afraid to talk about the problems that arise, do not be afraid to communicate with specialists, if difficulties arise - they all have these difficulties. ”