Flirt The secret language of male gestures. Language of the body

IF YOU ARE UNSPECIFIED :

Gestures, giving insincerity,
pretty much bound with the left hand.

This is explained by the fact that the right hand, as a more developed one (for most people), is more controlled by the mind and does so “as it should.”

The left, less developed and controlled by the right hemisphere of the brain, does what the subconscious wants, thereby giving out the secret thoughts of the person.

If the interlocutor is gesticulating with his left hand, then this should alert you: it is very likely that he is cheating or taking an unfriendly position. !!!

One of the most famous gestures denoting insincerity is rubbing the eye or the area under it.

It is known that when lying, men tend to avert their eyes and rub them, and women - it is easy to touch the eyes and rub the area under the eye.

This gesture can be combined with clenched teeth and a fake smile.

You are perceived as aggression from outside

Hair language: gestures of self-defense

There are two large groups of hair related gestures. Some are related to sexuality, others are the desire to protect themselves from outside aggression. But both of them are ultimately manifestations of weakness and fear of the outside world.

As psychologist Desmond Morris explains, “every time we touch our hair, we do it because we cannot touch the hair of another person; we make contact with our own body, because moments of such“ self-intimacy ”bring comfort comparable to from contact with the "alien" body ... According to cultural stereotypes, such a position is characteristic of the female type of behavior, but not for the male.

The deep ambiguity of such a gesture is obvious, especially if a man commits it ... However, it is also dangerous for the ladies, since it looks like a frank hint at sexual dissatisfaction.

Another group of gestures is no longer self-excitement, but self-defense. Even one-year-old children often make parents laugh by the fact that, having heard the words “you are good,” they begin to stroke themselves on the head: they are well acquainted with this “encouraging” gesture, because they actually absorb its understanding with their mother's milk.

For many mammals, stroking a “relative” or a child by the coat is the most understandable sign of the expression of a good attitude, family feelings. And it is with such “natural” gestures that we imitate when we stroke pets with the fur, thereby showing a gentle, “fatherly” attitude towards a cat or a dog.

Caution! decision is made!

Decision gesture

This gesture of stroking the chin   means that the person is trying to make a decision.

The following signals will indicate whether their decision is positive or negative.

You will act unreasonably if you interrupt a person at the moment when he begins to stroke his chin in response to a request to communicate his decision.

If, for example, after rubbing his chin, a person crosses his arms over his chest and stretches his legs, then he leans back in his chair, then you have received a non-verbal negative answer.

Instantly, you should once again go over the merits of the proposed before the person expresses his negative attitude with words.

If, following the stroking of the chin, a gesture of readiness for action follows, then your idea has been fully approved.

You have a strong personality

Hands behind the head - gesture know-all

This gesture, the laying of hands behind the head, is characteristic of self-confident people with a sense of superiority over others: If we could read their thoughts, we would read: "I know everything" or even "I control the situation."

It can also be used as a territorial mark, with which a person stresses that he "staked out" this territory.

If you want to find out the reason why a person behaves with a sense of superiority, lean forward with outstretched hands and say: "I see that you know it. Could you comment on this problem?" Then lean back, leave your palms in the field of view and wait for an answer.

Another way is to force a person to change his position, which in turn will cause a change in his attitude. To do this, you can take an object and, having set it as far as possible from it, ask: “Have you seen it?”, Forcing it to lean forward.

If a person in the "hands behind his head" posture makes a remark to you or makes a punishment, you should not copy his gesture so as not to annoy. For example, two lawyers use this gesture to each other to emphasize their equality and consistency, but a rude boy will piss off the headmaster if he puts his hands behind his head in his office.

Situation is controlled

Laying hands behind your back

It has been observed that many men - members of the British royal family - are in the habit of walking with their heads held high, their chins exposed and their hands behind their backs.

In everyday life, this gesture is used by the police on duty, by the director of the local school passing through the schoolyard, by senior military officers and people in positions of responsibility.

Therefore, it is considered a gesture of a confident person with a sense of superiority over others. It allows a person with unconscious fearlessness to open his vulnerable areas of the body, such as the stomach, heart, and throat.

be careful

Gesture of trust and protection

Gesture of trust: "dome"   - fingers connect like the dome of the temple.

This gesture means trusting relationship, but also some complacency, confidence in its infallibility, selfishness or pride.

This gesture immediately reports that the person is absolutely sure of what he is saying. Sherlock Holmes and Nero Wolf, explaining the course of the "elementary" conclusions to their gullible biographers, usually assumed such a posture in order to strengthen their absolute confidence in themselves.

Observations on leaders confirm that the higher their rank, the usually higher they hold hands. Sometimes they just look at you through joined fingers. This is a very common gesture in a boss-subordinate relationship.

This gesture is also used as an unconscious defense by a person "cornered." Almost always, his opponents started to treat him as if he knew more than he had said, had some important arguments in store, and weakened the attack.

Secret sign language, or how, by gestures that involuntarily makes a man in your presence, determine whether he likes you?

Men use in everyday life about 10-12 gestures, although they are several times more. Girls use about 50-52. Therefore, a woman can read any man like an open book. Watch the men around you and try to solve their gestures. Believe me, this is a very entertaining and exciting activity. So, let's begin.

If a man involuntarily raises and lowers an eyebrow, then this is a sure sign that you are interested in him. This gesture expresses surprise and interest. So do all, without exception, guys, regardless of age, race or position that a man occupies in society.

If a man likes a woman, his lips involuntarily open (this is a natural reaction when we are surprised), and the nostrils expand. All of the above gives the face a friendly expression.

A man who tries to flirt, trying to attract the attention of the girl can behave in different ways, depending on the nature, temperament, place and circumstances. Under some circumstances, a man may move away from a group of friends, step aside, sit on the other side of a bench or sofa, in another situation he may begin to behave noisily, for example, telling funny stories or jokes, laughing, gesticulating. All this he does only so that you notice him and appreciate it.

If a man in the presence of a girl begins to straighten his clothes or tie, such gestures mean only one thing “I try to look good and want you to appreciate it. Do not be offended by a man if he, suddenly, in your presence, begins to correct his socks. This is an expression of hidden emotions saying that you are interesting to him, and he wants you to appreciate his accuracy.

Guys, as well as girls can correct hair. They do it involuntarily and just to please you.

If during a conversation the man’s eyebrow remains slightly raised, this is a good sign, meaning that he is interested in what you are saying to him. If he is standing or sitting right in front of you, having slightly tilted the body in your direction, this also indicates that you are interested in him.

Also, a man can involuntarily raise his hands up, throw them over his head, strain muscles, thereby showing you his body and good physical training.

If a guy likes you, then he involuntarily sits on the edge of a chair or chair to be closer to you. If at the same time he throws his legs and the toe of his shoe looks in your direction, then this is a good sign.

A glance in your direction and a few seconds is enough for a man to understand whether he likes you or not. If he continues to treat you further, and does not look away when you look at him, he flirts, thus making you understand that you are interesting to him as a sexual partner.

If he is sitting opposite you, with his legs wide apart, this gesture means only one thing: “Evaluate my manhood!”. A man stands in front of you, holding his hands in his trouser pockets or a little lower on the hips. This pose is a winning male who demonstrates his physical fitness and self-confidence. Remember that in this way a man unconsciously shows you where he would like to be touched and caressed.

A man pulls a button on his shirt or jacket, it means he is nervous when you are near n and he likes you.

If a man starts touching objects with his fingertips, stroking the armrest of the chair, squeezing a glass or other rounded objects in his hand, this means that the man has sexual interest in the woman and he is experiencing sexual arousal.

If a man is standing next to you and puts his hand on your shoulder or hugs your waist, this means that he is afraid of losing you or does not want you to leave.

If a man put on his jacket, jacket or sweater, then it means you are his woman, he is ready to share with you everything he has.

Read the gestures of the interlocutor, flirt yourself and you will not be left without attention of the opposite sex.

  A crowd or group of demonstrators defending common goals never behaves the same way as ordinary people invade its territory. The crowd behavior is completely different. As the density increases, the personal space of each person is reduced, which leads to increased hostility. That is why the larger the crowd, the more aggressive it is. In a large crowd, fights and conflicts often arise. The police are trying to cut the crowd into separate groups. Thanks to this technique, personal space is increased in people, and this calms them down.

Governments and city architects have only recently begun to understand the effect that dense buildings and crowding have on the mood of people. In a modern city, a person loses his personal territory. Scientists conducted an experiment with deer on James Island, located two kilometers from the coast of Maryland in the Chesapeake Bay. Despite the fact that there was enough food on the island, there were no predators and there were no infectious diseases, deer died in large numbers. Similar results were obtained in experiments on rabbits and mice. As it turned out later, deer died from excessive activity of the adrenal glands, associated with stress caused by an increase in population and a reduction in personal territory. The adrenal glands play an important role in the regulation of growth, reproduction and the protective functions of the body. The physiological response to stress associated with overcrowding led to death. Stress was stronger than hunger, disease and aggression. That is why the highest crime rates are recorded in cities with the highest population density.

One of the basic needs of man is the need for his own land. This craving is explained by the desire to gain spatial freedom, which we lack so much.

Investigators deliberately invade the personal space of criminals in order to break their resistance during interrogation. The offender is put on a chair screwed to the floor without armrests. In the middle of the room, and then in every way invade his intimate zone (and even the closest one), asking questions and waiting for answers. Usually, even a very short duration of the invasion of personal space is enough to break the resistance of the criminal.

Spatial rituals

  When a person takes a place or space among strangers (for example, an armchair in a cinema, a place at a meeting table or a towel hook in a sports club), he does it in a completely predictable way. Usually a person is looking for the largest space between the other two and takes place in the center. In the cinema, we choose a place in the middle between the end of the row and the nearest occupied chair. In a sports club, a person will hang a towel on a hook, located in a completely free space, in the middle between two employees or in the middle between the hook and the wall. The purpose of this ritual is not to disturb other people with excessive closeness or excessive distance.

Doctors and hairdressers are allowed to invade a person's intimate zone. The same is allowed and home, because they do not pose a threat to us.

If you sit at the cinema closer to the end of the series than to another viewer, or vice versa, this person may feel offended that you are too distant from him, or frightened by your excessive closeness. The main task of the spatial ritual is to maintain harmony. This is learned behavior.

An exception to this rule is access to public toilets. In about 90% of cases, people prefer the latter in a row of booths, and if they are busy, the principle of the middle comes into play. Men always prefer not to be near strangers near urinals and never maintain eye contact at such a moment.

Lunch test

The next time you have dinner with someone, do this simple experience. Unwritten territorial rules state that the table in the restaurant is divided equally. Waiters always have salt, pepper, sugar, flowers and other accessories strictly in the center of the table. When dining, slightly shift the salt shaker towards your companion. Then do the same with peppermint, sugar bowl, flowers, etc. Very soon, such a territorial invasion will be noticed by your companion. He will either move away from the table to save personal space, or he will begin to move the objects that you have moved back into the center.

National factors affecting the size of spatial zones

  A young Italian couple moved to Sydney. They were invited to join the local club. After a few weeks, three women complained that the Italian was sexually harassing them, and that they felt uncomfortable in his society. Men believed that a young Italian behaved as if she were sexually accessible.

This situation clearly shows what complications may arise when different national spatial traditions collide. The inhabitants of Southern Europe have an intimate zone of only 20-30 cm, and even less in some countries. The Italians felt completely comfortable, standing 25 cm from the Australians. They did not understand that they had invaded their personal space - after all, the Australians have an intimate zone spreading over 46 cm. The Italians are used to making eye contact and touching their interlocutor during a conversation. Australians, on the other hand, misinterpreted motives similar behavior. After learning about what members of the club think about them, the Italians were shocked, but in the future they tried to adhere to Australian standards of behavior.

Intrusion into the intimate zone of the opposite sex is a way of expressing interest in this person, sometimes called an “advance”. If such an advance is rejected, the person retreats in order to keep personal space intact. If the advance is accepted, the person stays in place and allows the other person to be inside their personal space. To test a man’s feelings, a woman enters his intimate zone and then retreats. If a man is interested in her, he will enter into her space.

The closer people are to each other emotionally, the closer they are to each other physically.

The fact that the Italians seemed perfectly normal, the Australians regarded as sexual advances. The Italians considered Australians cold and unfriendly, because every time they approached them, they retreated backwards to maintain a comfortable distance for themselves.

The distance between the interlocutors, acceptable for most residents of the countries of the West, Northern Europe and urban residents of Scandinavia

A man with less space needs makes a woman lean back to protect her space.

  The above illustration shows the negative reaction of a woman to whose personal space a man has encroached. She leaned back, trying to keep a comfortable distance for her. However, a man may well be from a place where the personal zone is much smaller. Therefore, he can move toward a woman to set a distance that is comfortable for himself. A woman interprets his behavior as sexual.

Why the Japanese always lead in a waltz

  At international conferences, Americans who grew up in cities usually range from 46 to 122 cm from each other and stay in one place during a conversation. If you watch the conversation between Japanese and American, you will notice that this couple is slowly moving around the room. The American retreats from the Japanese, and the Japanese moves toward him. There is a clear attempt of both interlocutors to maintain a comfortable distance. In Japanese, the intimate zone is only 25 cm. Therefore, the Japanese are moving forward to satisfy their spatial needs. But at the same time he invades the intimate zone of an American, forcing him to retreat. When watching a video of such a conversation, scrolled at increased speed, it seems that the interlocutors are waltzing around the room, with the Japanese constantly leading. That is why during the negotiations Asians, Europeans and Americans look at each other with suspicion. Americans and Europeans consider people in Asian countries as intrusive and arrogant, and Asians, Europeans and Americans seem cool, arrogant and arrogant. Misunderstanding of differences in the size of intimate zones among residents of different countries sometimes leads to incorrect conclusions and errors that can affect the outcome of negotiations.

Spatial zones in the city and in the countryside

As already mentioned, the size of personal space depends largely on the density of the population in the area where the person lives. People living in sparsely populated areas usually need more personal space than those who live in overcrowded cities. Observe how a person stretches his hand for a handshake, and you will immediately understand where he lives. Citizens usually retain the traditional 46-centimeter “bubble” around them. Accordingly, they stretch their hand so that the interlocutor does not come closer to them than 46 cm.

With this arrangement, the hands of the interlocutors are found on neutral territory. People living in sparsely populated countryside are regarded as an intimate zone up to one meter away. It is this distance that they are trying to keep when shaking hands.

Greet two men living in the city. Their hands are found at a distance of 46 cm from the body of each of them.

People living in rural areas greeted in such a way that the distance to them was not less than a meter.

People living in uninhabited areas always prefer to keep their distance.

  The villagers stand firmly on the ground with both feet on the ground and lean forward. The city dweller will almost certainly make a step forward. Those who live in a deserted area have even more personal space. It can be up to six meters. Such people prefer not to shake hands, but to be located away from the interlocutor and simply wave to him.

This information is especially useful for people selling agricultural equipment while living in cities. Taking into account the fact that the farmer’s private space is 1-2 meters, the handshake for him will be an aggressive invasion.

Naturally, in such a situation he will have a negative or defensive reaction. Experienced sellers of such equipment are well aware that the easiest way to get a rural resident to him is to bend over for a handshake or simply to greet him with a wave of his hand.

Territory and ownership

The personal property of a person or the space that he constantly uses is his personal territory, and the person is ready to fight to protect it. Home, office and car are territories, each of which has clearly defined borders in the form of walls, gates, fences and doors. Each territory may include some subterritories. For example, in a house a woman’s private territory can have a kitchen, and then she will not like it if other family members appear on it when she is a priest. A businessman can have a favorite place at a meeting table, regulars always sit in a restaurant at the same table, parents have their favorite chairs. Personal territories are marked either by personal items left on them or by frequent use. A café frequenter can even mark "his" place with his own initials, and a businessman can leave a folder, pen, book or jacket in his "own" place, and these items will be located so as to limit the 46-centimeter intimate zone.

Studies conducted by psychologist Desmond Morris in libraries have shown that a book or personal item left on the table retains an unallocated space for 77 minutes; jacket on the back of a chair - for two hours. At home, a family member can mark his favorite chair, leaving a personal item on it - a handbag or a magazine, thereby stating the right of ownership.

If the owner of the house offers the guest to sit down and he inadvertently takes his chair, such an invasion irritates the host and translates him into a defensive mood. Ask: “Where do you usually sit?” - and you will manage to avoid embarrassment and unpleasant territorial error.

Vehicle territory

  People driving a car may react to a territorial invasion in a completely different way than in normal circumstances.

The car immediately expands the personal space of man. In some cases, personal space is increased 10 times. The driver considers the personal space to be 8-10 meters in front of and behind the car. When someone is in front of him, even if at a completely safe distance, a dramatic psychological change takes place with the driver. He starts to get angry and may even attack another car. This condition is called "road rage." Compare the behavior of the driver on the road with the behavior of the same person in the elevator, when someone invades his personal space. In the elevator, the person will most likely apologize and allow others to get out earlier. On the road, the driver is not at all so peaceful.

In the car, many people consider themselves invisible. That is why they can perform intimate actions in front of others.

For some people, the car is a protective cocoon in which you can hide from the outside world. Even if the car slowly creeps along the curb, almost in the gutter, its driver presents the same danger on the road as a person with an extended personal space. Italians, with their more than modest spatial needs, often approach other machines too closely. But they do it without malicious intent, but simply by virtue of tradition.

Will conduct an experiment

  Look at the picture and determine how the relationship between these people develops, making conclusions only on the basis of the distance between them. A few simple questions and observation will help you find the right answer and avoid wrong assumptions.

  We can say the following about these people:
  1. Both live in the city. A man sympathizes with a woman.
  2. A man has an intimate zone smaller than a woman’s, so he involuntarily invaded her personal space.
  3. A woman belongs to a nationality whose representatives are characterized by a small intimate zone.
  4. These people are emotionally close to each other.

Summary

Ambient may love or reject you depending on the respect you show in relation to their personal space. That is why a shirt guy who is ready to slap anyone on the shoulder at the first meeting and often touching the interlocutor during a conversation is unsympathetic to almost everyone. Many factors affect the size of spatial zones, so we advise you to take all circumstances into account before drawing conclusions about why the interviewee prefers to keep from you at a certain distance.

Chapter 10. How our feet betray our innermost thoughts

Mark sits, spread his legs wide, fiddling with his tie, and twisting the salt shaker with his other hand. He did not notice that during the last 20 minutes his companion’s legs were crossed and indicated the nearest exit

  The farther from the brain is a part of the body, the less we are aware of its action. For example, most people are well aware of their own facial expressions. We even know how to take certain expressions intentionally, hiding behind them our true thoughts. But the movement of hands and palms, we are already aware of worse. Even worse, we imagine the actions of the chest and abdomen. And so what our legs and feet do, we do not understand at all.

Hence the conclusion that legs and feet are an important source of information about a person’s true feelings, since most people are not aware of their actions and are not trying to change them intentionally, such as facial expressions. A person may look focused and interested, but his foot at the same time will eagerly tapping on the floor or sway in the air, betraying depression and boredom because of the inability to escape.

Tapping and rocking the foot gives an attempt to escape away from what is happening to the person at the moment.

Everyone is talking about a new way of walking

The way a person moves his hands when walking, says a lot about his personality or how he wants to seem to others. Young, healthy, energetic people walk faster than the elderly. Their hands vigorously soar upwards. It seems that people are marching, due to the high pace of walking and muscular elasticity. This is precisely the goal of the military march: the soldiers look young and full of strength. Also many politicians and public figures go. They want to give the impression of young and full of strength to attract the hearts of voters. That is why many politicians attach a wide, sweeping step. Women's hands when walking heavily thrown back. This is because women's hands from the elbow are turned outward in order to more reliably hold babies.

Feet betray the whole truth

  We conducted a series of experiments suggesting that participants deliberately lie during their interviews. We have found that people, regardless of gender, say a lie, begin to unconsciously make movements with their feet. Most of the participants in the experiment deliberately changed the expression of their faces, tried to control their hands, but did not feel at all what their legs and feet were doing. The results of our experiment were confirmed by psychologist Paul Ekman. He found that at the time of lying in people, the lower part of the body was significantly activated. From this we can conclude that in order to detect lies, one should observe the whole body of a person. That is why many managers feel comfortable only sitting at a closed table hiding the lower part of their bodies.

If you are not sure if the person sitting at the table is telling the truth, look under the table.

Sitting at a glass table, a person is much more nervous than a wooden one, because under the clear glass we can see our legs, and we do not feel complete control over the situation.

Destination feet

  Human legs serve two purposes: they allow you to move forward to get food, and run away from danger. Since the human brain is programmed to take these actions - to strive for the desired and run away from the undesirable, the legs and feet immediately show where the person wants to go. In other words, you can tell by the legs whether a person wants to continue the conversation or would prefer to leave. Open or uncrossed foot positions indicate openness or a desire for dominance. Crossed legs are a sign of closeness or uncertainty.

If a woman is not interested in a man, she can cross her arms over her chest and spread her crossed legs from him. An interested woman will take an open posture and guide her legs towards the man.

Four basic standing positions

1. Attention

This is a formal position, demonstrating a neutral attitude with no intention of fleeing or remaining. When men and women communicate, women often stand this way because it allows them to close their knees. Schoolchildren take this position, talking to teachers, junior officers are pulled out in front of their senior officers. So are the subjects in front of the queen and subordinates in front of the chief.

Attention pose

2. Spread legs

As mentioned earlier, this position is peculiar mainly to men. This is a kind of groin demonstration. In this position, the man stands firmly with both feet on the ground, clearly showing that he has no desire to run away. This is a signal of male domination, since it emphasizes the genitals. A man in this position feels like a real macho.

Groin Demonstration - Flaunting Your Masculinity

Demonstration of the groin peculiar to the real macho and cool guys

  Male athletes often stand in this position opposite one another during a competition, drawing attention to their groin area. This position allows men to emphasize their masculinity and show team spirit.

3. One foot set forward.

In this position, the weight of the body is shifted to one leg, and the second is put forward. In the Middle Ages in this position often depicted people in a high position. In this case, the artist could depict thin stockings and luxurious shoes, indicating wealth.

One leg is bent forward, the toe indicates the direction where a person unconsciously wants to go.

  This posture allows you to immediately understand the intentions of the person, because we usually direct the sock to where we would like to go. This position can be regarded as the beginning of walking. Being in a group, we direct the sock towards the most interesting and attractive person. When we want to leave, our sock turns out to be directed towards the nearest exit.

4. Crossing legs

The next time you find yourself in a group of men and women, pay attention to the fact that some of them are standing with arms and legs crossed. Take a closer look, and you will notice that such people are a little farther from their interlocutors than the rules require.

If they are wearing raincoats or jackets, then most likely outerwear will be buttoned. This position is usually taken in the environment of unfamiliar people. After talking with such people, you will definitely make sure that someone or all of those present are unfamiliar to them.

If the open legs show openness or dominance, the crossed legs give out a closed, subordinate or defensive mood, since in such a pose any access to the genitals is closed.

If a woman accepts such postures, the interlocutor can draw two conclusions: first, she intends to stay and not leave; secondly, access to it is closed.

Crossing legs while standing

   When a man is in this position, it means that he remains, but wants to be sure that you do not "kick him to the most vulnerable place." Open legs - a demonstration of masculinity. Crossed legs - protection of masculinity. If a man feels his superiority over the interlocutor, the demonstration of the groin would be quite appropriate. If he is in the company of overwhelming males, such a gesture will make a man feel his vulnerability. Studies show that those who lack confidence are most often crossed legs.

Scissors - "No comment", but this person is not going to leave

Spread legs prove the man’s confidence in himself, crossed legs give secrecy and vulnerability

Imagine that you see a group of men standing with open arms in their jackets unbuttoned. Men are relaxed. Each one has a foot forward, with socks pointing to other members of the group. Men gesticulate and constantly invade each other’s personal space. It becomes immediately clear that these people are well acquainted with each other. They can even be called friends.

Try a little experiment. Join a group of strangers, cross your arms and legs and make a serious face. One by one, the members of the group will begin to cross their arms or legs and remain in that position until you, a stranger, leave. Stand back and watch the group. Men will gradually return to their former posture, feeling much calmer.

Crossing the legs not only produces a negative, defensive mood, but also disrupts the overall sense of security. All members of the group immediately feel this attitude.

Pose defensive, frozen or "just comfortable"?

Some people claim that they do not cross their legs at all because they are in a defensive or irritated state. They just feel cold. But, trying to warm our hands, we thrust them under our arms, rather than clasping our elbows with them, as with a defensive cross. When we freeze, we embrace ourselves, while crossing our legs, straighten them and press them tightly together. Defensive posture more relaxed and calm.
  People who often cross their arms or legs prefer to say that they are cold than to admit that they are nervous, anxious or worried about something. Others say that they are so "comfortable." And while they, most likely, do not prevaricate. When a person is worried or anxious, he is much more comfortable with arms and legs crossed, since such a posture makes it possible to hide a true emotional state.

As we move from closed pose to open

  As people begin to feel more comfortable in the group and get acquainted with others, they gradually move from a closed defensive posture with arms and legs crossed into a more open and relaxed posture. The procedure of "disclosure" is almost the same everywhere.

  At the beginning of the conversation, the interlocutors are in a closed position with arms and legs crossed (see Figure 1). As they get to know each other and begin to feel more comfortable and calmer, their position changes. First, the legs move to the position of attention, then the hand, which is in the crossed position from above, is released and the palm is visible. The hand is no longer used as a barrier, although the second is still in place. After that, the second hand is released, which may be on the thigh or in the pocket. And in the end, the interlocutors move into a position with a leg bent forward, which indicates complete understanding (see Figure 2).

Crossing legs in Europe

  Approximately 70% of people put their left foot on top of the right when crossed. This is a normal situation for people in Europe, Asia and most of the countries that are under English influence.

When a person crosses both arms and legs, he is thus emotionally separated from the conversation. As long as your interlocutor is in this position, it makes no sense to convince him of anything.

This woman is closed to any communication.

  In a business setting, you can see that people in a similar position speak shorter sentences, reject more sentences and remember fewer meeting details than those in an open position.

American Four

   Such a posture can be considered a sitting type of groin demonstration, since it emphasizes the genitals. This position is characteristic of men from the United States and from countries that are strongly influenced by America. So often young people sit in Singapore, Japan and the Philippines. This position immediately gives out a fighting spirit. Such a man is unlikely to give way to you in a dispute. Demonstration of genitalia is a sign of aggression in monkeys. This technique allows you to avoid the troubles that could have happened if there had been a fight. Among primates, the male with the most impressive genitalia is immediately considered the winner. In countries like Australia and New Zealand, you can see the European crossing of legs, and the “American Four”. During World War II, the Nazis kept a close eye on people, since the habit of sitting in that position testified to the time spent in the United States.

I am ready to challenge any argument - the “American Four”

  The Quartet is not very common among older people in the UK and European countries. However, this position can often be seen in countries such as Russia, Japan, Malta and on the island of Sardinia. The youth here has grown up on American films and television programs and is happy to copy what they see. A man sitting in this position is perceived not only as domineering and energetic, but also as more young. However, in the countries of the Middle East and Asia, such a posture is considered an insult, because when it is on display, the sole is exposed, that is, that part of the shoe that touches dirt.

Women who wear trousers and jeans sometimes take this position, but, as a rule, they do it only in the company of other women, because they don’t want to seem too manly or sexually accessible in a different setting.

Studies show that most people make the final decision in those moments when both feet are firmly on the ground. If your partner is sitting in the position of the “American Four”, you should not ask him to make a decision immediately.

When the body is closed, the mind is closed

Somehow we happened to attend one conference. The hall was attended by an equal number of men and women. The conference was attended by about a hundred managers and 500 sellers. An important topic was discussed - the attitude of large corporations to sellers. The speaker was a famous speaker, who was the head of the sellers association. When he went up to the scene, almost all the male managers and about a quarter of the female managers took up a defensive position, arms and legs crossed. Such behavior immediately made us understand that they consider this person’s speech to be a threat to themselves. And their fears were justified. He spoke about the poor quality of management and that this is the main reason for the personnel crisis in the industry. During his speech, the salespeople present in the room either leaned forward slightly, showing interest, or made assessment gestures. But the managers remained adamant.

When the mind is closed, the body acts according to its instructions.

Then sellers began to discuss what should be the role of the manager in relation to the sales process. Almost immediately, as if on cue, the majority of male managers took the “American Four” position. Mentally, they challenged the sellers point of view, and later we were convinced of the correctness of our assumptions. We noticed that some managers did not change their postures. Although most of them remained disagreeing with the point of view of the speaker, they simply could not take the “American Four” position due to purely physical reasons - overweight, arthritis or leg diseases. If you need to convince the interlocutor in something, and he took a similar position, you must first convince him to change the situation. If you have something to show, invite this person to sit next to you. Stretch him a notebook or pamphlet so that he leans forward and has to open his arms. You can also offer a cup of tea or coffee, because in a pose with crossed legs and arms it is very difficult to drink something and not burn yourself.

Bowing in the pose of "four"

Wrapping the legs - the final fixation of negative mood

  When a person is particularly militant, he fixes the Quartet, using one or both hands as a lock. Such a posture indicates obstinacy and intention to stand firm. Being in this position, a person rejects all points of view, except his own.

Ankle cross

When the ankles cross the men, they often clench their fists or tightly clasp the armrests of the chair, and also openly demonstrate the groin area (see the figure). The female version of this posture is more restrained: the knees are connected, the feet are directed to the side, the hands are also directed to the side or one on the other lie on the knees.

Ankle crossing: a woman reduces the space occupied by the legs to a minimum, the man, on the contrary, tries to take as much space as possible

  Based on more than thirty years of experience, we can say that the crossing of the ankles is in some sense similar to “biting the lip.” This gesture shows that a person is holding back negative emotions, uncertainty or fear. The feet are usually located under the chair, giving closure. When people engage in conversation, their feet are relaxed.

Working with lawyers, we found that the defenders sitting near the courtroom before the meeting were three times more likely to cross their ankles than the plaintiffs. This is because they are trying to keep their emotional state under control. Observing the dentists' patients, we found that 88% of them had their ankles tightly crossed as soon as they were in the dental chair. Patients who came for preventive examination did so in 68% of cases. Those who were waiting for an anesthetic injection, crossed their ankles tightly in 98% of cases.

Many more people cross their ankles at a reception at a tax inspector than a dentist.

Working with the police, customs officers and tax inspectors, we found that most people cross their ankles at the very beginning of the interview, however, this act was dictated by fear rather than guilt.

We also analyzed those whose work is related to people. Most interviewers at one time or another cross their ankles under the chair, which means trying to cope with their emotions. Nirenberg and Calero found that when one of the negotiators crosses his ankles, this most often means that he is trying not to make serious concessions. When, after a series of questions, the person still uncoupled his legs, the opponents managed to incline him to concessions.

Ask positive questions about the mood and feelings of the person - and you will be able to force him to disengage his ankle-tied legs.

Investigating the crossing of the ankles, we found that questions in 42% of cases helped people to relax and disengage their legs. This figure became even higher when the person conducting the interview left the table and sat down next to the interviewee. In this case, the barrier disappeared, and people in the bukcal sense of the word found themselves “on one side”. Naturally, the conversation immediately became more open and personal.

Somehow we had the opportunity to advise a certain company on the issue of effective telephone communication. One of the managers has accumulated a huge amount of accounts not paid by buyers. We watched him talking on the phone and found that his ankles were tightly linked under the chair during a conversation. Talking with us, he never did that. When we asked him if he liked his work, he replied: “Very! I have a wonderful job! ”Verbally, this person spoke quite unambiguously, but non-verbal signals suggested the opposite. “Are you sure?” We asked. The man was silent for a little while, disengaged his ankles, opened his palms and admitted: “Honestly, she is driving me crazy!” He told us that every day his customers call him several times, who are often rude and aggressive, and he has to restrain his feelings. so that the deal does not fall through. We found that many sellers who do not like to communicate with customers on the phone, sit during a conversation, clasping the legs in the ankles.

Short skirt syndrome

  Women who wear short skirts cross their ankles for obvious reasons. They develop such a strong habit that even older women continue to sit in a similar position. It gives them a constrained and inhospitable look. People subconsciously interpret their mood as negative and treat them with caution.

Some people go on to say that they pin ankles or take on other negative postures simply because they are so “comfortable.” If this applies to you, remember that the convenience of any position is determined by the mood of the person. If you are so comfortable, then you are negative, defensive or reserved.

A negative gesture can reinforce or extend a negative on a building. Surrounding immediately feel your attitude. Try to use positive, open gestures as often as possible. This will increase your self-confidence, and others will take you more benevolently.

Catching legs

This gesture is used almost exclusively by women, mostly shy, intimidated and modest. In such a pose, the sock of one leg gets caught on the calf. Another woman resembles a tortoise trying to hide in her shell, even if the upper part of her body looks quite relaxed. If you hope to talk to such a woman, treat her with warmth and friendliness.

Modest, frightened women often hook one leg over the other.

Parallelism

  Men cannot sit this way simply by virtue of their physiology. Such a fit is very feminine. Not surprisingly, more than 86% of men who participated in our experiments, called this pose the most attractive.

Men called this pose the most attractive.

  In this position, one leg is pressed against the other, which gives the legs a more youthful and healthy look that attracts men from a reproductive point of view. Such a landing women are taught on courses mannequins. One should not confuse such a fit with the behavior of a woman who, in the presence of an attractive man, constantly crosses and disengages her legs. She does this only to draw attention to her legs.

Right leg forward, right leg back

  When the conversation or the interlocutor really interests us, we put one foot forward to reduce the distance between us and the interlocutor. When we are not interested and miss, then we put our foot back, and if we sit, we hide it under the chair.

In the figure we see that a man is trying to demonstrate his interest with the purely masculine body language signals available to him. He put one foot forward, spread his legs, showed the groin area and spread his elbows to appear larger.

The man is clearly interested - he put his foot forward and shows the groin area. The woman is either not passionate about them or has not yet determined her attitude.

  The woman, it seems, is not too interested in the interlocutor. Her legs are close to each other, her arms are crossed - she tries to occupy as little space as possible. Apparently, the man for nothing loses time.

Summary

  Our feet silently tell the interlocutors about where we want to go and whether we like the conversation. In a business setting, women should not cross their legs in a sitting position, whether they are wearing a long skirt only. The appearance of female hips is able to excite almost any man, after which he will cease to pay attention to what the woman says to him.

Men remember that they talked to a business woman, but if she was wearing a mini-skirt, they would never remember what she said. Many women wear short dresses and skirts in a business setting, since it is this kind of media that promotes the media. More than 90% of the television presenters-women appear on screens in short dresses, demonstrating long legs. This is because at the sight of such a woman, male viewers are in no hurry to turn off the TV. However, studies show that the more women have visible legs, the less men remember her words. The rule is very simple: at a party it is quite acceptable to show crossed legs, but in a business setting this should not be done. Men, too, must adhere to certain rules in a business setting - in particular, keep their knees closed.

Chapter 11. The 13 most common gestures that you constantly face

The most unpleasant for women chain of gestures, which can only be seen at work

  People rarely think about the impact their nonverbal cues have on others. For example, when one person embraces another, most observers assume that patting on the back at the end of the embrace indicates a clear sympathy of the interlocutors for each other. Air kisses say the same about sympathy. However, in reality, everything is completely different. We use patting the same way as professional wrestlers: it tells a partner that it is time to stop hugging. If you do not like to hug, but are forced to do it, because everyone around you behave that way, then most likely you will begin to clap your hand in the air before the hug itself.

Most people pat the other person on the shoulder to break the hug. Those who like to cuddle, cling to the partner with a death grip. Apparently, this girl hugs the president very tightly, he obviously pats her on the back

  Air kisses are a substitute for real kisses, which we do not like to distribute to anyone. In this chapter, we will discuss the most common head gestures and body language chains that you constantly encounter in everyday life.

Nods

In most countries, a nod means agreement and confirmation. This is a flattened form of a bow - a person bows symbolically, but immediately stops, and as a result, a nod is obtained. Bowing is a gesture of submission and humility. A nod shows that we agree with the other person’s point of view. Studies have shown that people born deaf-blind, also nod in agreement, indicating the innate nature of this gesture.

In India, the signal of agreement is the shaking of the head from side to side. This confuses people in the West and in Europe, who are used to interpreting this gesture as “maybe, yes; maybe not". As we have said, in Japan a nod does not necessarily mean agreement. A nod Japanese only confirms what he hears you.

Nod in his own words goes into a humble, subordinate bow.

In Arab countries, a single upward movement of the head is used, meaning denial, that is, no. In Bulgaria, consent is indicated by shaking the head from side to side, which in the rest of the world means “no”.

Why do you need to learn to nod

  Most people are not aware of the power of nods as a means of persuasion. Studies show that when an interlocutor nods, people say three to four times more than usual. It is best to nod in batches of three nods at regular intervals. The speed of the nods indicates patience - or lack thereof. Slow nods indicate that the listener is interested in what the other person is saying to him. During the conversation we advise you to nod slowly and steadily three times to show your interest. Quick nods tell the other person that you have already heard enough and want him to finish.

How to get agreement

  The nod can be used in two ways. Body language is an unconscious reflection of inner feelings. If you are positive and agree with the interlocutor, then your head itself begins to nod during speech. Conversely, if you begin to nod intentionally, then very soon your attitude will become quite positive. In other words, positive feelings make the head nod, and nods awaken a positive attitude in a person. The law of cause and effect comes into play.

Nods are very contagious. If a person nods to you, you will definitely nod to him, even if you do not agree with what he says. A nod is an excellent means of achieving mutual understanding, agreement and cooperation. Finish each sentence with a verbal confirmation: “Is it not so?”, “Is it not so?”, “Isn't it so?” And at the same time nod. The listener will inevitably have a positive mood, and you are more likely to reach agreement.

Nodding helps to achieve cooperation and agreement.

You asked a question, and the interlocutor began to answer you. Nod as he speaks. When the other person has finished speaking, nod five more times at a rate of about one nod per second. As a rule, by the time you count to four, the other person will start talking again and give you more information. While you nod and be silent, touching your chin with your hand, you will not have to say, but you will not look like an investigator. When listening, put your hand to your chin and lightly stroke it. As mentioned earlier, studies show that such a gesture pushes the interlocutor to continue the conversation.

Shaking his head

  Studies show that shaking your head means denial. This is an innate gesture. Evolutionary biologists claim that this is the first gesture that man learns. The theory is that a newborn, having received enough milk, begins to shake his head from side to side, pushing the mother's breast. The well-fed baby behaves the same way. He twists his head to dodge the spoon feeding him.

Shaking your head is rooted in breastfeeding.

When a person tries to convince you of something, follow the movements of his head. Does he shake his head, assuring you that he fully agrees with you? In this case, it is safe to say that he is negatively disposed, and his agreement must be taken skeptically.

No woman will believe a man who confesses her love and at the same time negatively shakes his head. When Bill Clinton during the investigation of the case of Monica Lewinsky said his famous phrase: "I did not have sexual relations with this woman," he did not shake his head.

The main provisions of the head

1. Head Up

Neutral head position

There are three main positions of the head. The first is the head raised up. It is characteristic of those who are neutral about what is happening and what has been said. The head during the conversation remains in a constant position, and the interlocutor confirms his participation in the conversation with small nods. In this position, there are often evaluation gestures - for example, a hand held to your cheek.

When the head is strongly raised and even slightly tilted back so that the chin comes forward, it speaks of superiority, courage or arrogance. In this position, a person consciously demonstrates an open throat and visually increases his growth. A big chin is the result of a high level of testosterone in the body. That is why a chin that is set forward is usually associated with power and aggression.

Margaret Thatcher's famous forward chin

2. Head tilt

Tilting the head to the side is a signal of humility and submission. A man shows his throat and neck, visually reduces his height and shows with his whole appearance that he is not a threat. Perhaps, this gesture has its roots in the period of infancy: small child   bows the head on the shoulder or chest of the parent. All people, especially women, are subconsciously aware of the obedience and absence of threat in this gesture.

Charles Darwin was one of the first to find that people, like animals (dogs in particular), bow their heads to one side when they are interested in something. Women using this gesture demonstrate their interest in an attractive man. And this is not surprising - after all, an obedient woman is attractive to most men.

When the head is bent to the side, the vulnerable neck becomes visible, the person looks small and submissive

  Studies of painting over the past two thousand years show that women are depicted with their heads bowed three times more often than men. On advertising posters, women also appear much more often in this position.

The meaning of such a gesture is intuitively understood by almost everything - the head is bent to the side, and the vulnerable neck is exposed as a sign of humility

  Most people intuitively understand that the demonstration of a defenseless neck is a sign of humility. That is why in a business setting a woman should keep her head high.

If you are giving a presentation or giving a speech, watch carefully for the gesture to appear in the audience. Noticing that listeners bow their heads to one side and lean forward with a hand on the chin, you can be sure that your words will not be wasted, but will be heard and understood. While listening to others, bow your head to the side and nod. Then the interlocutor will feel confidence in you, feeling that you are not a threat.

3. Head lowered

A lowered chin indicates a negative, prejudiced, or aggressive mood. Critical gestures usually appear precisely when a person lowers his head. Until the interlocutor raises his head or tilts it to the side, you will have serious problems. Professional speakers are always looking for listeners in the audience who have lowered their heads and crossed their arms.

Experienced speakers necessarily involve the audience in the performance process. When making a presentation, such measures should be taken even before the start. Your task is to make listeners raise their heads and open their arms. If your tactics succeed, listeners will tilt their heads to one side.

In England, there is a specific greeting: a person lowers his head and simultaneously turns to the side. This greeting is rooted in the Middle Ages, when people saluted each other with hats. Then people began to simply tilt, head and touch the hat. Today there was a slope with a turn, a salute or a simple touch of fingers to the forehead in greeting.

A lowered head is a signal of disapproval and negative attitude.

Shrug

  Raised shoulders help a person protect a vulnerable throat from an attack. Such a gesture often occurs involuntarily when people hear an unexpected noise behind their backs or when it seems to them that something falls on them. In a personal or business setting, such a gesture is interpreted as a submissive apology. If you want to look confident, forget about such a movement.

When a person passes by a group of people talking, admiring the view, or listening to people speaking, he lowers his head and cringes, trying to appear smaller and less noticeable. Subordinates behave in the same way in the presence of superiors. Such a gesture immediately reflects the status and power interaction between people.

Raised shoulders - a woman wants to appear less so as not to disturb others

Brushing imaginary fuzzes

When a person does not approve of the point of view expressed by someone, but does not want to talk about it, substitution gestures appear in his behavior, according to which we can say that your interlocutor is silent about something. Such gestures include brushing imaginary fuzz with clothing. In this case, the person usually looks down and away from the interlocutors, while his hands in the meantime make small movements. Such a gesture is a signal of disapproval. Even if a person speaks of his full agreement, his hands will give out a disapproving attitude to what has been said.

A person who looks like imaginary feathers sleeves has his own point of view, but prefers not to express it

Elbows raised and apart to the side - a signal of dominance and readiness for action. The elbows pressed to the body and the head bowed to one side speak of submission and submission

  In this position, there are often children arguing with their parents, athletes waiting for the start of the competition, boxers before a fight, and men throwing a non-verbal challenge to other males who invade their territory. In all these cases, people put their hands on their hips and spread their elbows to show their readiness for action. In this position, a person takes up more space and shows that he can repel an attack. Divorced elbows do not allow the enemy to approach and attack a person. Raised elbows indicate readiness for attack. In this position, we often see cowboys during shootings. Even one hand, placed on the thigh, speaks volumes, especially if it is directed towards the potential object of attack. Such a gesture is used everywhere. In the Philippines and in Malaysia, he is a sign of anger or rage.

This gesture is sometimes called the gesture of “readiness”, because in this position a person is ready for action. In any case, such a gesture carries a certain shade of aggressiveness. Hands on hips and divorced elbows speak of purposefulness, readiness to defend one’s interests or to take some other action. Men often take such a pose in the presence of women to emphasize their masculinity.

Hands placed on the hips, visually increase your size. In this position you are hard to miss, because you immediately occupy more space.

When interpreting this gesture, it is very important to take into account the context and other body language signals that precede this posture. Only then can you accurately determine the mood of a person. Pay attention to whether the interlocutor's jacket is buttoned or unbuttoned. If a man puts his hands on his hips, and his jacket or coat is buttoned, such a chain of gestures speaks of depression and insecurity. When the jacket is undone, the mood of the interlocutor can be interpreted as aggressive, since he openly shows you his fearlessness. This posture is further enhanced if the person has put his foot forward or clenched his fists.

Gestures of aggressive readiness are often used by professional models. Due to this, the spectators have the impression that the clothes on display are intended for modern, self-confident, progressive-minded women. Sometimes only one hand is placed on the thigh, and the other hand at this time makes some other gesture. Usually this is done by women who want to attract attention. When a woman puts her hands on her hips, she, as a rule, bends slightly so that the hips appear wider and the waist is narrower. Since the wide hips are a sign of fertility, they always look very attractive to men. This gesture is very common and the process of courtship, and is peculiar to both men and women, as it allows to attract attention.

Models often put their hands on their hips to show clothes in the most favorable light.

Cowboy pose

  Thumbs, stitched in the belt or in the pockets, emphasize the genital area. It is not surprising that such a gesture is most often used by men to emphasize their masculinity, sexuality and aggressiveness. In television westerns, harsh cowboys take on a similar position, so that viewers immediately realize that they are dealing with real men.

This posture demonstrates a man's willingness to act, and his fingers accentuate the groin area. A man in this position shows those around him that he is not afraid of anyone and is ready to defend his own territory.

Cowboy Pose - Fingers indicate what others should notice.

  Such a gesture is also characteristic of great apes, with the only exception - they do not wear belts and trousers.

The fingers of the belt obviously say to everyone around: “I am a real man, and I can dominate!” That is why this position is often taken by men who are looking for a partner. Any woman immediately recognizes the intentions of a man if he is standing next to her in a similar posture, with dilated pupils and feet set forward. In such a situation, there can be no doubt, and a man is unlikely to be able to hide his feelings.

The most typical posture is for men, but women who wear trousers or jeans also use it sometimes. A sexually confident woman in a dress or skirt can make both or only one live thumb   For belt or pocket.

Sexually confident woman

Assessment of the situation

  In the picture below, you see two men who put their hands on their hips and put their thumbs on the belt. Please note that each of them is deployed from the interlocutor. Both legs are relaxed, so we can assume that they unconsciously evaluate each other. Open confrontation in a similar position is unlikely.

Unconscious evaluation

Chains of gestures clearly betray aggressive intentions.

  These men can talk to each other quite calmly, but the general atmosphere cannot be called calm until the interlocutors remove their hands from their hips, and their gestures become open.

Inconsistent signals: the right hand clearly speaks of aggression, while the left one tries to cover the body

  If the interlocutors are facing each other, spreading their legs wide and putting their fingers behind the belt, most likely a quarrel is about to break out between them.

Although Adolf Hitler often put his hand on his hip, wanting to look domineering and strong in official photographs, he could not help but keep his left testicle in place with his left hand.

Legs apart

This posture is peculiar almost exclusively to men. It can often be seen in apes - so the males are trying to establish their dominance over the weaker. Instead of engaging in an open fight and endangering themselves, they simply spread their legs: a male with a more impressive member is considered the winner. The same thing happens in the human world. Although this behavior is most often unconscious, its meaning does not change. If one man spreads his legs, others do the same. However, when a man is in a society of women, especially in a business setting, such a gesture can have a negative impact on the outcome of the meeting, since the woman cannot repeat it.

A woman feels intimidated when a man in a business setting is standing with his legs spread wide.

Our videos show that many women react to a similar posture by crossing their legs and arms, that is, their structure changes to defensive. Advice to men: at business meetings should not be apart. Women, in whose presence the men constantly demonstrate the groin area, do not respond to this. Defensive position worked against you. Try to indirectly give a man to understand that his posture is unpleasant to you. Say: “Not bad, not bad. Bean". Or: "Immediately you can see where you're from." Thus, you will give a man a lesson, and in certain circumstances you can defuse the situation, causing a sincere laugh.

Leg, thrown on the armrest

  This posture is also characteristic of men, because her legs are wide apart. A man thus not only confirms the ownership of the chair, but also demonstrates an informal, aggressive attitude.

Indifference, lack of interest

Quite often, we see two men laughing and joking among themselves, each sitting in a similar position. But imagine a different situation. Suppose an employee comes to the boss to consult on a personal problem. Slave sits on a chair, legs folded in his lap and leaning forward. His head is down, his face is a countless expression, he says very quietly. First, the boss listens to him without moving, and then leans back in his chair and throws his foot on the armrest. The attitude of the boss to the subordinate has changed. Now he does not have the slightest interest in him. In other words, neither the subordinate nor his problems concern the head. Most likely, it seems to him that he is wasting his time listening to the same “old song”.

What is indifferent to the chief? Maybe a subordinate problem. Perhaps the boss thinks that this is not a problem at all and it does not cause any interest. In this case, he will simply tell the subordinate that he is not worried and that everything will be in order. While the leg of the chief is thrown on the armrest, indifference can not be overcome. When the subordinate leaves the office, the chief will sigh with relief, think: “Thank God, he has gone to the end!” - and immediately remove his foot from the armrest.

This position is very unpleasant during the negotiations. It is necessary to try to force a person to change the situation, because the longer he stays in it, the longer the indifferent, aggressive attitude remains. Ask him to bend over and look at something. And if you have a perverse sense of humor, tell me that his trousers have cracked along the seam.

Riding a chair

  For many centuries, men defended themselves from enemies with shields. Today, a civilized man, sensing a verbal or physical threat, uses what is at hand. He can stand outside the gate, in the doorway, behind the fence, sit at the table, hide behind the open door of the car, or sit astride a chair.

The back of a chair is a shield that covers the body and turns a man into an aggressive, dominant personality. In addition, in a similar position, the legs of the man are widely divorced, which makes it possible to demonstrate the groin area and emphasize their masculinity.

A person sitting in a similar position strives for domination and control and at the same time defends himself against the interlocutor.

Most men who prefer to sit in this way always seek dominance. When the conversation begins to bore them, they try to seize control. The back of the chair serves as a reliable protection against the “attacks” of other members of the group. Such people are very prudent and are able to occupy a similar position almost unnoticed.

The easiest way to disarm such a person, getting up or sitting behind him. Then he will feel uncomfortable, and he will have to change his position. This technique works great in a group. People who often sit astride a chair do not like to show an open back and immediately change their position.

And what to do if a person saddled a rotating chair? The reception offered by us will not work, as it will simply turn its face to you. Resort to non-verbal means. Stand up and talk, looking at the other person from top to bottom. Invade his personal space. By doing so, you will make him nervous, and he will almost certainly lean back.

When you next meet with the same person, put him on a chair with armrests so that he cannot take up his favorite position. If he can not straddle the chair, he will surely choose the “catapult” pose.

"Catapult"

  This is a sedentary version of the pose in which the hands are placed on the hips, with one exception: this time the hands are laid behind the head, and the elbows are directed towards the interlocutor. This pose is also exclusively male. Her goal is to intimidate the interlocutor or instill in him a false sense of security, and then deliver the decisive blow.

This posture is peculiar to professionals - accountants, lawyers, sales managers and those who feel superior or confident in something. If you read the thoughts of this person, we will hear something like “I know all the answers”, “Everything is under control” or even “Maybe someday you will also become as clever as me!”

"Catapult" - calm, confident, knowing everything and absolutely sure that he has more bananas than anyone else

  Senior managers are very fond of this position. As soon as a person rises to a certain position, he immediately begins to sit down in this way, although he has never done anything like this before. This position is often occupied by people who are absolutely confident in themselves, which always scares their interlocutors. This is a favorite pose of a person who wants to make his interlocutor understand his superiority. In addition, such a pose can be regarded as a phenomenon of ownership of a certain territory.

Usually, the “catapult” is combined with the “quartet” or demonstration of the groin area. This suggests that a person not only feels superior, but also is configured to argue or dominate. You can cope with this posture in several ways, depending on the circumstances. You can lean forward, open your palms and say: “I see, you know that. Could you express your thoughts? ”Then lean back and wait for an answer.

Women hate men sitting in a “catapult” pose in a business setting.

You can offer a person sitting in a “catapult” position to stand up or look at something that it will be difficult for him to reach. This will make him lean forward. Men can simply copy this position, since mirroring immediately establishes equality between the interlocutors. A woman in such a situation is more difficult, because in such a position her breasts will be exposed for show, and this is a clear flaw in the work environment. Even the most flat-breasted woman who has adopted a similar posture, both men and women will find aggressive.

Pose "catapult" categorically not suitable for women, even the most flat-breasted.

A woman in such a situation can be given very simple advice: keep the conversation standing. This will force the man to change the position in order to be able to continue the conversation. As soon as he changes his posture, you can sit down. If the man again put his hands behind his head, stand up. Such a method very calmly will make the interlocutor understand that they have failed to intimidate you. On the other hand, if a person occupying a higher position laid his hands behind his head, and even speaking to you for anything, you can intimidate him by copying his gesture. Two people in the same position can use the “catapult” pose in the presence of each other to emphasize equality and harmony. But if a schoolboy sits in a similar way in the presence of the school principal, it will not be enough just to invite parents to do it.

In one insurance company where we conducted research, 27 out of 30 senior managers regularly used the “catapult” pose in the presence of subordinates, but not one of the mines dared to sit in such a pose in the presence of the bosses. When meeting with managers, the same managers used chains of submission and submission gestures.

Gestures that demonstrate readiness

Negotiator is very important to be able to identify gestures of demonstration of readiness. If your opponent or client has taken a similar position at the end of negotiations or a presentation and up to this point everything went well, you can safely ask for an answer. It is almost certain that the answer will be positive.

Classic posture showing readiness for action

  We videotaped conversations between sellers and potential buyers and found that when a chin stroked (decision making) follows a similar pose, the client agrees to the offer in more than half of the cases. If, after stroking his chin, the client crosses his arms, it means that he does not intend to conclude a deal. Disgruntled people, sometimes ready for anything, such as throwing you out of the room, sometimes take a pose of readiness. In order to understand the true thoughts of a person, it is necessary to take into account the gestures preceding the posture of readiness.

Start Pose

  By gestures of readiness, showing the desire to end the conversation, and refers to bending forward, in which both hands lie on their knees or hold on to the seat of a chair. A man is at the start.

The other party is clearly configured to end the conversation.

  If you notice that the interlocutor has taken a similar position, it makes sense to seize the initiative, change the subject or actually end the conversation.

Summary

  The signals of body language, which we talked about in this chapter, are very easy to notice, as they include obvious gestures. It is very important not only to understand the meaning of these signals, but also to exclude negative gestures from our own repertoire. Try to behave so that communication always brings positive results.

Chapter 12. Mirror - a means of achieving mutual understanding

They are exactly the same dressed, they have the same facial expression, they make the same gestures, but at the same time each of them will say that he is completely independent

When you meet a person for the first time, you need to immediately understand whether he is negative or positive towards you. Animals behave the same way for which it is a matter of survival. People immediately glance at the figure of the interlocutor to see if he behaves in the same way as they do. We are looking for "mirror". People copy the signals of the language of gestures of each other as a sign of mutual understanding, friendliness and sympathy, but they themselves do not realize this. In ancient times, mirroring was a social mechanism that, however, allowed our ancestors to successfully exist in large groups. In addition, mirroring served the purpose of learning.

The most obvious example of mirroring is yawning: one person is yawning, and everyone else starts to yawn after him. Robert Provine discovered that yawning is incredibly contagious. We don’t even need to see how another person is yawning - a rather simple image of a wide open mouth is enough. Previously it was believed that the purpose of yawning - enrich the body with oxygen. Today it is absolutely clear that this is just a form of specularity, which serves to achieve mutual understanding and remove aggression. Monkeys do the same.

If a woman sees another woman in exactly the same dress as hers, they will become enemies forever. If the two men at the party will be in the same costume, they will make friends for life.

Mirroring non-verbally says to the interlocutor: “Look at me. I am the same as you. I feel the same as you. I have the same intentions as you. ” That is why people at rock concerts amicably jump, sway and applaud. Synchronicity mob instills a sense of security. But people in the crowd are not always in a peaceful mood. Aggressive actions are copied in the same way. That is why many cool people lose control of themselves in a similar situation.

The desire to copy is the principle of operation of any queue. In the queue, people consciously cooperate with those whom They have never seen and will never see again. In such an environment, we unconditionally obey the unwritten rules of reference. Professor Joseph Heinrich from the University of Michigan discovered that the desire to replicate the actions of other people is embedded in the human brain. And this is not surprising: after all, together it is easier to find food or cope with work. It becomes clear why societies in which highly specularity is highly developed — such as Great Britain, Germany, or Ancient Rome — have for a long time successfully dominated the world.

Mirror contributes to the achievement of mutual understanding. During slow-motion video playback, it becomes clear that the interlocutors, who understand each other well, blink at the same time, raise their eyebrows and swell their nostrils. They even have pupils expanding at the same time, and this is most surprising, since such microdesses cannot be consciously copied.

The desire to copy the parents arises very early: Prince Philip and the young Prince Charles are keeping abreast of

Creating a normal atmosphere

  Studies of synchronicity in human body movements show that people who experience the same emotions, tuned to the same wavelength and have reached mutual understanding, begin to unconsciously copy the movements and expressions of each other. Synchronicity strengthens relationships between people, and this is completely understandable. Being in the womb, we functioned synchronously with her body. Therefore, it can be said that mirroring is a natural condition for humans.

When a man and a woman are in the early stages of a courtship ritual, they often perform synchronous movements, as if in a dance. For example, when a woman has a mouthful of food, a man gets wet corners of his mouth. When a man starts a sentence, the woman finishes it for him. When a woman has premenstrual syndrome, a man pulls on chocolate. When she has gases, he emits them.

When a person says that he feels comfortable in the interlocutor’s society, he thereby unconsciously confirms the presence of specularity and synchrony in his behavior. Many people do not like to eat alone in a restaurant, and this happens out of fear of falling out of synchronicity with other visitors. When people order a waiter, they always ask their companions what they ordered. Thus, they seem to be trying to synchronize their order with the order of friends. Quiet music is exceptionally beneficial for lovers during a date - music allows them to synchronize their actions with each other.

Copying the gestures and appearance of another person shows cohesion and readiness to speak with one voice, without dragging the blanket over.

Specularity at the cellular level

American heart surgeon, Dr. Mehmet Oz, conducted exceptionally interesting studies related to heart transplantation. He found that, like other organs, the heart has a cellular memory, and this allows patients to experience emotions experienced by donors. Even more surprisingly, patients with a transplanted heart began to copy gestures and the posture of donors, despite the fact that they had never seen them. Dr. Oz came to the conclusion that the cells of the heart transmit to the patient's brain signals of the body language of the donor. People suffering from diseases such as autism cannot copy the behavior of other people, which greatly complicates their communication with others. The same happens with drunk people: their gestures are not synchronized with words, which makes them difficult to copy.

The law of cause and effect says: if you consciously make some gestures, you will feel emotions associated with these gestures. For example, if you feel confident, then unconsciously put your palms in the "spire". If you deliberately make such a gesture, then not only will you feel more confident, but others will begin to perceive you that way. Consciously copying the body language of the interlocutor will allow you to effectively reach an understanding with him.

Women and men mirroring manifests itself in different ways.

  Jeffrey Beatty of the University of Manchester found that women copy each other's actions four times more often than men. He also found that women copy and male behavior, but men can not copy women - except in the process of courtship.

When a woman says that she “sees” that someone disagrees with the group’s point of view, she really sees signs of disagreement. She feels that the signals of the body language of a certain person are knocked out of synchronicity. A person expresses his disagreement by refusing to copy group behavior. Men are struck by the ability of women to immediately "see" disagreement, anger, lies or offense. This is explained by the fact that the male brain is simply not adapted to the recognition of small signals of the body language, and therefore does not recognize signs of specularity.

As we said in the book Language of Relationships, the male and female brains are differently set to express emotions through facial expressions and body movements. An ordinary woman for ten seconds while she listens to the interlocutor, six times changes the facial expression. And she does this in order to reflect the emotions of the speaker. A woman's face reflects the emotions experienced by her interlocutor. It may seem to the observer that the events in question were happening with both women.

Women are perfectly able to read between the lines, understanding everything by the tone of the voice and the emotional state of the interlocutor, manifested through non-verbal signals. If a man wants to attract the attention of a woman and make her listen to himself, he should behave the same way. Most men are horrified at the thought of such feedback during a conversation, but if you do it skillfully, you will be rewarded a hundredfold.

Some men believe that this behavior will make them feminine, but studies show that women find people who are interlocutors who copy their behavior caring, attentive, intelligent, interesting and attractive.

However, men are able to copy less than a third of a woman’s facial expressions. Being in public, men prefer to seem impassive and hide their emotions, so as not to become a victim of an unexpected attack. To this they are tuned throughout the course of evolutionary development. That is why most men listen to the interlocutor, frozen like a monument.

The mask of impassivity that men wear during a conversation allows them to feel control over the situation. However, this does not mean that men do not have any emotions. Brain research has shown that men experience emotions with the same force as women, but prefer not to show their feelings in public.

What if you are a woman?

In order to effectively copy the behavior of a man, you need to realize that he almost never uses his face to express emotions and attitudes. He does this with the help of the body. It is very difficult for most women to copy the impassive face of a man, but this is not required. If you are a woman, you only need to reduce the number of expressions of your own face, so as not to suppress and frighten your interlocutor. The most important thing is not to copy your own idea of ​​the feelings of a man. If you make a mistake, he will consider you abnormal, and this will be a real disaster. When a business woman listens to a person with a serious face, men perceive her as intelligent, insightful and sensitive. When people live or work together for a long time, they often become similar. This is because they constantly copy each other’s facial expressions. Over time, the facial muscles remember the usual expression. Even those who are physically dissimilar to each other, in the photos look very similar, because they smile exactly the same.

  In 2000, psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington in Seattle and his colleagues found that the marriage would almost certainly collapse if one of the partners not only does not copy the expression of happiness on the other’s face, but also responds with an expression of irritation and anger. Such behavior affects a smiling partner, even if he is not aware of this.

Do we remind our home lovers?

  Mirror can be seen on the example of domestic animals. Without realizing it, we unconsciously choose those who are physically or in their behavior similar to us.

In order to convince you, we will show you some photos:\u003e

  Apparently, we really choose animals that look like us.

Monkey see monkey do

  The next time you find yourself at a party or where people meet and interact, pay attention to how many people repeat gestures and the posture of their interlocutors. Mirror is a way of expressing agreement with the ideas and feelings of the interlocutor. A person as if non-verbally says to another “You see, I am exactly the same as you”. The first step is usually made by a person who occupies a higher position, and others copy his behavior.

These people think the same way.

Imagine, for example, two men in a bar (see picture). They mirror each other. It is reasonable to assume that they are discussing something that they are treated in exactly the same way. If one of the interlocutors makes an evaluative gesture or rests on the other leg, the second will repeat its movement. If one interlocutor puts his hand in his pocket, the second will do the same. Mirror will remain as long as there is agreement.

Even when Presidents Bush and Chirac disagree verbally, they continue to copy each other. This shows mutual respect.

  Mirror occurs between friends or people of the same position. It is not uncommon for spouses to walk, stand, sit and move in exactly the same way. Albert Sheflen discovered that strangers to each other people consciously avoid specularity.

Coincidence of votes

  You can copy the intonation, stress, speed of speech, and even the emphasis of the interlocutor. It helps to achieve mutual understanding and show respect. Such behavior is like singing in unison. It often happens that the speaker beats off the rhythm with a palm, and the audience confirms its rhythm with nods. As relations develop, people begin to copy less, large signals of the body language, and voice coincidence becomes the main means of achieving mutual understanding.

Never speak faster than your interlocutor. Studies show that in such a situation, people begin to feel pressured and adjust negatively. The speed of human speech corresponds to the speed of conscious analysis of information by his brain. Speak also or slightly slower than the interlocutor, copy his stress and intonation. Following the pace is very important in a telephone conversation, since in such a situation, voice becomes the only means of communication.

Conscious achievement of mutual understanding

  Mirror is one of the most important lessons in body language that you can learn, since it is this that allows you to feel the agreement and sympathy of another person. It is a way to express agreement and sympathy, moreover, downtime and quite affordable.

If the manager wants to reach an understanding with the subordinate and create a calm atmosphere during the conversation, he can copy the posture of his employee. Similarly, the subordinate can copy the position of the boss to express agreement with the manager’s point of view.

Reflection of signals of the interlocutor's body language helps to achieve mutual understanding and agreement

Given the above, it becomes clear that the mirror helps to influence others by copying their positive gestures. Thus, you set up the interlocutor in a receptive and calm way. He literally sees that you share his point of view.

However, before you copy the interlocutor's body language, you must take into account your relationship with him. Suppose a young employee comes to the office of the head to ask for a promotion. The chief invites him to sit down, and he himself adopts the “catapult” pose in combination with the “American Four”, thereby immediately emphasizing his superiority. What do you think will happen if a young employee sits down in the same way and starts talking about a pay raise?

The chief will consider the mirror behavior of the subordinate mocking and arrogant.

  Even if the subordinate speaks absolutely normal, his posture will offend the boss, and the one who comes with the request is unlikely to achieve the desired result. Mirror - effective remedy   in order to put in place a person who demonstrates his superiority without any reason. Accountants, lawyers and senior managers very often use gestures and postures of superiority in the presence of those whom they consider dependent on themselves. With the help of specularity you can disarm them and force them to change the situation. But never do this to your boss!

These people are in the same position. The small distance between them suggests that they are friends and colleagues and pursue the same goals.

Who copies whom

  Studies show that subordinates immediately begin to copy the gestures and postures of the group leader. The leader of the first group passes through the door. Leaders usually prefer to sit on the edge of a sofa, table or bench, and not in the center. Komi group of managers enters the room, the first usually goes the one who occupies the highest position. At the conference table, the boss usually sits at the head of the table, farthest from the door. If the boss sits in a “catapult” pose, subordinates begin to copy his behavior in accordance with their own status. This can be seen at meetings where there are two parties. It will immediately be clear to you who supports whom and in this situation.

Mirror is a great strategy for a presentation by a certain team. Agree in advance that as soon as the speaker makes a certain gesture or takes a certain pose, all team members will repeat his action. This will not only make the performance more convincing, but also frighten competitors.

Maybe Bill Clinton is a very influential person in the world of politics, but if Hillary makes a gesture, he copies it immediately, and when they walk alongside, the wife often finds herself a step ahead

  When presenting goods or services to married couples, always pay attention to who copies their gestures. This will allow you to determine who in the family has the true power and who makes the decisions. If the first movement is made by a woman, even the smallest — for example, she crosses her legs, touches her cheeks with her fingers or puts her hands on her knees, and the man copies him, it makes no sense to contact her husband. In such a family, decisions are made by the wife.

Summary

  Copying the body language of another person helped to establish a strong connection. The repetition of gestures and movements among friends, relatives and people of equal status occurs quite naturally. In the same way, we don’t like to copy those we don’t like, or completely strangers, for example, in an elevator or in a queue.

Copying the gestures and speech of another person - the best way   achieve mutual understanding, and very quickly. When meeting a new person, copy his posture, posture, body tilt, gestures, facial expression and tone of voice. Very soon, your partner will feel inexplicable sympathy for you. He will surely say that it is very easy to communicate with you. And it will be completely clear: in you he will see his own reflection. However, we want to warn you: take your time! When the interviewee takes a certain posture, you have three options: do not pay attention to it, enroll at your own discretion, or copy it. Mirror brings excellent dividends, but in no case should you copy the negative signals of another person.

Chapter 13. The secret signals of cigarettes, glasses and makeup

“Well, I suppose, the question of who appeared earlier is already resolved!”

Smoking is an outward manifestation of anxiety or conflict. Most smokers do not smoke because they can not do without nicotine, but simply feeling the need for encouragement and support. Smoking is a typical substitution action used in a modern stressful society. Cigarettes help to relieve tension that accumulates in a person’s personal and professional life. For example, most people feel very uncomfortable in the dentist’s office, especially if they have to extract a tooth. Smokers hide their anxiety with a cigarette. The rest use other rituals for the same purpose - they begin to comb, chew gum, bite their nails, drum their fingers on the table, beat off the rhythm of their feet, pull at cufflinks, scratch their heads, touch rosaries, etc. All these actions produce nervousness and anxiety. Jewelry is often used to disguise insecurity. They can pull or twist in the fingers, hiding behind such actions fear, insecurity, impatience and anxiety.

Studies show a close relationship between breastfeeding and smoking habits. It was found that children who were on bottle feeding, that is, accustomed to the bottle, becoming adults, began to smoke more likely than those who were breastfed. Than longer child   was on breastfeedingthe less likely he is to start smoking. Such children received comfort and comfort from the mother’s breast, and not from sucking an inanimate bottle. In adulthood, those who used to suck in a bottle, finger or blanket in childhood replace these items with a cigarette.

Artificially fed babies begin to smoke three times more often in adulthood than those who are breastfed.

Artificial feeding leads to the fact that the child begins to suck a finger or blanket, in adult life begins to smoke. In addition, people who have been artificially fed become much more likely to become neurotic and experience oral fixation - they suck on their glasses, bite their fingernails or the tip of their pens, bite their lips and bite their pencils with such frenzy that beavers might envy them.

Two types of smokers

  There are two types of smokers: those who smoke due to irresistible needs, and so-called “social” smokers.

Studies show that short, fast breaths of cigarette smoke stimulate brain function and sharpen consciousness. Slow, long puffs act as a sedative, sedative. Smokers who have an overwhelming need for cigarettes depend on the sedative effect of nicotine. Cigarette helps them cope with stress. They make long, deep puffs and prefer to smoke alone. “Social” smokers smoke only in the company of other people or “after a few glasses”. This means that they perceive smoking as a way to communicate and smoke in order to make a certain impression on others. Such smokers smoke a new cigarette without finishing the previous one. In the process of smoking, short, quick puffs take up only 20% of their time. The rest of the time is occupied with special gestures and rituals of body language.

Social smoking is a part of social ritual.

Studies conducted by Andy Parrot, show that 80% of smokers say about reducing stress levels in the process of smoking. However, the level of stress in adult smokers is only slightly higher than that in non-smokers. As smoking becomes a constant habit, the level of stress experienced by a smoker gradually increases. Parrot also found that quitting smoking leads to a significant reduction in stress levels. Science proves that smoking does not help control mood swings, since nicotine addiction increases stress levels. The alleged relaxing effect of nicotine is associated only with the removal of tension and irritability caused by the lack of this substance in the smoker’s body. In other words, the condition of the smoker becomes normal during smoking and stressful when he does not smoke. This means that in order for a smoker to feel normal, he just needs a cigarette in his mouth! Moreover, when people stop smoking, the level of stress they experience gradually decreases. Smoking has the opposite effect on tension and stress associated with a lack of nicotine in the blood.

Studies show that in the first weeks of quitting cigarettes, a person’s mood can be depressed, but as soon as nicotine is completely eliminated from the body, craving for cigarettes decreases, and consequently, the level of stress associated with the absence of the substance that caused the addiction decreases.

Smoking is in many ways reminiscent of deliberately beating yourself on the head with a hammer: it’s worth stopping and you will immediately feel better.

Although smoking is prohibited in many public places today, you should understand the connection between the signals of the body language of the smoker and his mood. Such gestures play an important role in understanding the emotional state of the interlocutor, since they often manifest themselves in a predictable, ritual way. With their help, you can understand the mood of the smoker and his goals. The smoking ritual includes: tapping, twisting, shaking off, wiggling and other mini-gestures, which indicate that a person is experiencing greater tension than in a normal state.

  Women usually hold a cigarette rather high, so that their wrist can be seen. In addition, this position favorably emphasizes the dignity of the figure. Smoking men hold their hand very straight, so as not to seem feminine. Usually, men, drawn out, lower their hand with a cigarette below chest level in order to constantly feel protected.

Women smoke less than men. Representatives of both sexes drag on the same number of times, but men hold smoke in their lungs longer than women. It is not surprising that they suffer from lung cancer more often.

For a woman, a cigarette is a way to show yourself: to show off your sexy chest and wrist. Men prefer closed poses while smoking

  Men often hold a cigarette in their closed palm, especially if they are trying to hide something. Such a gesture can often be seen in the movies. This is how actors who play cool guys or suspicious personalities who have something to hide, smoke.

Smoking as a sexual demonstration

In movies and commercials, smoking often looks very sexy. Smoking is another way to highlight our gender differences. A cigarette allows women to show their wrists (we'll talk more about this in Chapter 15) and the chest. A man can emphasize his masculinity by holding a cigarette in his palm. Formerly, tempting smoking was considered a perfectly acceptable form of courtship: the man offered the woman a lighter, and she touched his hand and looked at him longer than usual, as a token of gratitude. However, today smoking is banned almost everywhere, so that such a ritual can be considered endangered. Why does a smoking woman look so seductive? Smoking is a way to demonstrate obedience and submission. In other words, looking at a smoking woman, it becomes clear that she can be persuaded to do something that will not serve her interests. Breathing smoke in the face of the interlocutor is not accepted almost anywhere, but here in Syria, a man can breathe smoke into the face of a woman - and this will be considered a signal of courtship!

How to identify a positive or negative attitude

  The mood of a person can be determined by the direction of smoke exhaled. Of course, someone can exhale smoke vertically upwards just in order not to disturb the interlocutors. For this purpose, the smoke can be directed in any direction. A self-confident, positive-minded person or a person in a higher position usually exhales smoke upward. The one who hides something, is set up negatively or suspiciously, often sends smoke down. Exhaling smoke through a corner of the mouth indicates an even more negative mood.

Remember how the heads of gangs of rockers are portrayed in the movies. These are rude, aggressive men. When smoking, they throw back their heads and direct smoke towards the ceiling to demonstrate their superiority over the rest of the gang members.

Smoke is directed upwards - a person is confident, occupies a higher position, is positive; smoke is pointing down - a person is negatively disposed, suspicious or hiding something

  But Humphrey Bogart, playing gangsters or tough guys, usually held a cigarette in his palm and exhaled smoke from the corner of his mouth. Immediately it became clear to the viewer that he was plotting to escape from prison or something sinister.

There is also a link between the mood of a person and the rate of exhalation of smoke. The faster the smoke exhales up, the more confident a person is and the more he feels superior. The faster the smoke goes down, the more negative your mindset is.

If a smoker plays cards, then the smoke, directed upwards, says that a wonderful combination has come to him. The downward smoke, on the contrary, indicates that not the best cards fell out to a person. Some gamblers try not to betray their intentions either with a facial expression, a gesture, or movements. Others, with the help of body language, are trying to mislead opponents and instill in them a false sense of security. If, for example, a poker player has four cards of the same suit, and he wants to bluff, then he can, with curses and curses, throw the cards on the table, cross his arms and make his whole appearance make it clear that he has an absolutely winning game. But if he lights up at the same time, sends smoke up, and then puts his palms in the "spire", the other players will immediately realize that things are not as bad as he is trying to portray. Observations show that upward smoke indicates that a person has made a positive decision about a purchase. Those who are not going to buy anything, usually exhale smoke down.

In 1978, we conducted a study that showed that smokers make decisions much slower than non-smokers. The ritual of smoking is most often held in the tense moments of negotiations. The smoker delays the moment of decision making, completely switching to a cigarette. If you want the smoker to make a decision as quickly as possible, hold negotiations in a room where there is a noticeable sign "Do not smoke."

Cigar smoking

  Cigars, due to their size and high cost, have long been used to demonstrate superiority. With cigars in their teeth, they often depict big businessmen, gang leaders and those in high positions. Cigars marked significant events in life - the birth of a child, a wedding, the conclusion of a serious transaction or winning the lottery. It is not surprising that cigar smoke most often goes up. At the gala dinner, where cigars were offered to guests for free, we noticed that 320 out of 400 people sent smoke up.

Completion of the smoking process

Most smokers stop smoking when the length of a cigarette is reduced to a certain level, and then they extinguish it in an ashtray. Women usually slowly extinguish a cigarette butt, men squeeze it vigorously with their thumb. If a smoker unexpectedly finished smoking earlier than usual, he thereby makes it clear that he wants to end the conversation. If you are careful, you will be able to seize the initiative and end the conversation, creating the impression that the idea belonged to you.

Points language

  Almost any object can give out the thoughts and mood of its owner. And this applies to points fully. The most common gesture is biting the bow.

As Desmond Morris pointed out, nibbling or sucking some objects suggests that a person is trying to gain a feeling of security similar to that he had experienced in the mother's breast. This means that biting the eyeglass frame indicates a need for encouragement and support.

If you wear glasses, then sometimes it seems to you that you look at the world through two rolls of toilet paper. People around you perceive you as a serious and intelligent person, especially at first glance.

Biting points is a way to draw time.

  In one study, respondents assessed the level of intelligence of people depicted in the photographs. The same person was given two completely different ratings - and only because he was wearing glasses in one photo and without them in the other. However, this impression lasts no more than five minutes, so we advise you to wear glasses only for short interviews or meetings.

Massive glasses make you more sincere and intelligent. Extravagant frames make the opposite impression.

  I must say that glasses with excessively large glasses, as well as exotic or colored frames in the style of Elton John, reduce the impression of intelligence. Young people in large glasses look older, more serious and more confident.

Returning to our research with the help of photographs, we can say that in a business setting glasses make a person more serious, intelligent, conservative, educated and sincere in the eyes of his interlocutors. The more massive the rim, the more often such assessments met in the descriptions given by our respondents. Moreover, these definitions equally applied to both men and women. This is explained by the fact that big businessmen usually prefer glasses in massive frames. In a business setting, glasses can be considered as a symbol of power. Small, light frames or rimless glasses, on the contrary, indicate a lack of authority and that a person is more interested in fashion than business. In informal communication, the opposite is true, because in such an environment you are perceived as a friend or lover, and not as a serious and thoughtful business partner. We advise those who occupy a high position to wear massive rims when you need to give the impression of a serious, authoritative leader, and light rimless glasses when the boss wants to look like “his boyfriend.”

Delay tactics

  Biting the glasses, like smoking, can be seen as a tactic of delay and delay. During negotiations, such a gesture most often appears closer to the final stage, when a person needs to make a decision. Another way to pull time is to wipe the glass frequently. If you asked your partner to make a decision, and he began to wipe his glasses, it would be best to wait for a response in silence.

The intended answer can be understood by the gesture that follows the biting of the bow. If you recognize it correctly, you can take the necessary actions in time. For example, if a person puts on his glasses again, this often means that he wants to “consider” all the facts again. Folding the bows and laying the glasses aside indicates the intention to end the conversation. And if the partner just threw points on the table, then, most likely, he will reject the offer you made.

Looking over the glasses

In the films of the 1920s and 1930s, looking over glasses was often used to depict critically or skeptical characters, such as teachers in English schools. Today, many wear reading-only glasses. In this case, it is more convenient for a person to look at the interlocutor on top of the glasses than to take off, and then put on his glasses again. However, the person to whom such a look is cast will likely feel at ease. The habit of looking over glasses can be costly, since the interlocutor after such a look often puts his hands on his chest, crosses his legs and adjusts negatively. If you wear glasses, take them off when you speak and wear them again when you listen. This will not only calm the interlocutor, but also allow you to control the course of the conversation. The interlocutor will immediately understand that by removing glasses you show that you want to take the floor, and putting them on, you give the opportunity to speak to him, and will act accordingly.

Looking over glasses can scare anyone

  In contact lenses, your pupils appear dilated, and your eyes are shiny. Because of this, you look more soft and sensual. This is ideal for informal communication, but in a business setting it can lead to a real disaster. This is especially important for women. A woman can struggle to convince her partner of the validity of her own judgments, but, enchanted by the wet sheen of her eyes, he will not hear a single word of her.

Wearing colored or dark glasses in a business setting is completely unacceptable. In informal communication, such accessories also raise certain suspicions. If you want to make it clear that you understand everything perfectly, you need transparent glasses in the frame. A color and dark glass leave for vacation.

Points at the top

  In a business setting, a man in dark glasses looks suspicious and insecure. But it is necessary to raise them at the top, and you will be perceived as a free, youthful, "cool"

The effect of four eyes with dilated pupils

  a person who has just returned from a great holiday. This is explained by the fact that the interlocutor has the impression that you have opened two more eyes on the crown with sensually dilated pupils. Babies and soft toys with huge eyes make the same impression.

Energy glasses and makeup

Skillfully applied makeup significantly enhances the credibility of women, especially in a business setting. We conducted a simple experiment by offering four women to help us sell training materials during seminars. We seated each of them at a separate table and equally dressed. One woman was tinted and wore glasses, the second was wearing glasses, but without makeup. The third one was made up and did not wear glasses, and the fourth we were asked not to wear makeup or wear glasses. Customers came to the tables and discussed materials with our assistants. On average, the conversation lasted four to six minutes. When buyers moved away from the tables, we asked them about who sold the materials to them, offering them to choose adjectives from a certain list. The buyers called the painted woman with glasses confident, intelligent, elegant and the most sociable. Some customers found her confident in her business, but at the same time cold, arrogant and / or arrogant. Apparently, they saw in her a potential rival, since men had never used such expressions. The painted woman without glasses received rather high marks in terms of attractiveness and sociability, but her work was valued considerably lower.

Makeup makes a woman in the eyes of interlocutors more self-confident and strong.

The worst marks were given to our unpainted assistant. Buyers did not appreciate her appearance or professional skills. However, not the best impression was made on clients and the woman in glasses, but without make-up. Most women immediately noticed the lack of cosmetics, and most men could not recall it. Interestingly, the skirts on the painted women seemed shorter to our clients than on women without makeup, despite the fact that their length was exactly the same. From this we can conclude that make-up women look much more sexy. Makeup makes a woman more intelligent, confident and sexy. The combination of makeup and glasses in a business setting makes an extremely favorable impression on the interlocutors and partners. Even if you don’t wear glasses, it’s wise to order yourself a pair of plain glasses for business meetings.

And what about lipstick?

For one TV show, we asked nine women to undergo a series of interviews about working with women and men. For half the interviews, women should have come with make-up lips, and the rest - with unpainted ones. The attitude of the interviewers turned out to be absolutely unambiguous. Those who put on lips with bright red lipstick were perceived as male hunters interested only in their own personal lives. Women who preferred muted, pastel colors, looked in the eyes of potential employers as hardworking, serious and focused. According to the interviewers, women without lipstick are more serious about their work, but have problems in their personal lives. Almost all the women who conducted the interview noticed whether the applicant was wearing lipstick. Of the men, only 50% paid attention to this. From this we can conclude that bright red lipstick is quite appropriate on a date, but, going to a business meeting, it is better to use a pale, pastel-colored lipstick. If a woman works in the field of women's fashion, cosmetics or hairstyles, bright red lipstick will look perfect, as she emphasizes femininity and attractiveness.

What does the briefcase mean?

  The size of the portfolio is directly associated with the status of its owner. Those who carry large, bloated briefcases believe that they are doing all the work. Such people often take work at home, because they do not know how to properly dispose of working time. Thin portfolios indicate that their owner relies on employees and, therefore, occupies a rather high position. Always carry a briefcase in the same hand, preferably in your left, to be able to calmly shake hands with your interlocutor when you meet. Women should not carry a handbag and a briefcase at the same time, as this combination gives the impression of lack of organization and indicates a lack of business skills. And you should never use a portfolio as a barrier between yourself and the other person.

Summary

  Whatever object we take, it will always be associated with rituals and microsignals, which manifest themselves absolutely unconsciously. The more such items we use, the more obvious to others are our intentions and emotions. Having learned to interpret such signals correctly, you will be able to more accurately determine the mood of the interlocutor, and therefore, your communication will become more effective.

Chapter 14. How does the body give direction to your thoughts?

Very often the body goes the same way, and thoughts are carried away in a completely different direction.

  Have you ever had a chance to communicate with a person and feel that he is mentally somewhere far away, despite the behavior that is quite adequate to the situation? If you take a photo at such a moment, you will notice two points on it. First, the head of the interlocutor will be turned to you, and the expression of the face will fully correspond to a friendly conversation. Secondly, the interlocutor’s body and feet will be turned away from you, either to another person, or towards the exit. The direction of the body and the feet of the interlocutor indicate where he would prefer to be at the moment.

The man on the right makes it clear that he wants to leave.

  In the picture you see two men talking in the doorway. The man on the left is trying to keep the interlocutor's attention, but he wants to move in the direction that his body will turn, despite the fact that his head is turned to the interlocutor. Mutually interesting conversation for both can take place only when both interlocutors turn to face each other.

During a personal conversation, a person who wants to end the conversation or just leave is unconsciously turning towards the nearest exit. If you are in such a situation, it means that you need to either do something to interest the interlocutor, or to complete the conversation on your own initiative, without losing control of the situation.

What does body tilt mean

1. Open positions

We have already said that the distance between the interlocutors depends on the degree of interest or proximity. The inclination of the bodies of people involved in the conversation, allows you to understand their relationship to each other.

If the beast is going to attack, he stands right in front of the enemy. If another beast accepts the challenge, it remains in place. The same applies to people. If the animal just wants to get acquainted with another animal, not intending to attack, it will suit from the side. You probably noticed this behavior in dogs. People do the same. If a person is actively speaking to his interlocutor, standing directly in front of him, his words sound quite aggressive. If the same is said by a person standing a little to the side of the interlocutor, he is perceived as self-confident and purposeful, but completely non-aggressive.

So that you are not considered aggressive, stand up so that you are at the corners of a right triangle (see picture).

The interlocutors are in the corners of a right triangle. None of them considers the other aggressive

  In the figure, the men stand in such a way that their bodies are turned towards the imaginary vertex of a right-angled triangle. By the location of the interlocutors, we can say that their conversation is friendly. Mirror posture suggests that these people have the same status. With this arrangement, a third interlocutor can freely take part in the conversation. If a fourth interlocutor connects to the conversation, a square is formed, and if the fifth and sixth - then a circle or two new triangles.

In confined spaces, for example, in elevators, crowded buses or subway trains, where it is impossible to turn around the whole body, we turn only the head.

2. Closed positions

When people seek intimacy, they turn to face each other. So do both men and women seeking to monopolize the interlocutor's attention. In this position, it is easy to notice other gestures of courtship. The man does not just turn to the woman, but also shortens the distance between them in order to enter the intimate zone of the interlocutor. Whether she accepts her courtship, she turns to face the man and allows him to invade her space. The distance between two people standing in closed positions is usually less than between those who stand in open positions.

A face-to-face arrangement in a closed pose is an attempt to completely capture the interlocutor’s attention.

  In addition to the gestures of courting, the interlocutors can copy the gestures of each other and establish direct eye contact (unless, of course, both are interested in each other). Closed poses can also be used by people hostile to each other. In this case, such an arrangement can be regarded as a challenge.

Studies show that men are afraid of attacks from the front, so they do not like to stand face to face with the interlocutor. Women, by contrast, fear attacks from behind. They do not like it when the interlocutor approaches them from behind. Never stand face to face with a man you just introduced. If you are a man, your behavior will be regarded as a threat, if you are a woman, then as sexual interest. It is best for a man to approach a woman from the front and sit in the corners of an imaginary triangle.

How do we exclude an undesirable interlocutor from a conversation

  In the following picture you can see that the two interlocutors are turned at an angle of 45 ° to each other, which allows the third person to join in the conversation.

An open triangle allows the third caller to connect to the conversation

  If the third interlocutor wants to connect to the conversation between those who are in a closed pose, this can be done only if the first two are in the corners of an imaginary triangle. If the presence of the third is undesirable, the first two simply turn in his direction of the head. At the same time they can smile with clenched lips.

It's time to leave - interlocutors are not thrilled by the appearance of a new person

  A conversation between three interlocutors can begin in the position of an open triangle, but gradually two of them can move into a closed pose, thereby eliminating the third one from the conversation. Having noticed a similar situation, the third one should leave so as not to get into an awkward situation.

Body direction in a sitting position

  Crossed legs, directed toward the interlocutor, are a sign of interest and sympathy. If he is also interested, he will cross his legs and direct his knees towards the other person. As interest grows, people begin to copy each other’s movements and gestures.

In the picture you see that the man and the woman on the left side of the sofa formed a closed position, excluding new interlocutors, in particular, the man sitting on the right.

The direction of the crossed legs suggests that the couple is interested in each other. The man on the right is clearly superfluous.

  If he still wants to participate in the conversation, he needs to take a chair, put it in front of a couple and try to form a triangle or take other actions to violate the closed position. However, apparently, the interlocutors would prefer that he retire far and for a long time.

Foot direction

  Feet not only give out the direction in which we would like to go, but also point to those who cause our greatest interest. Imagine that you are at a party and you see a group of three men and one woman. The conversation is clearly dominated by men, and the woman just listens to them. And now pay attention to their legs. The feet of all will be directed towards the woman.

This simple non-verbal key suggests that all men are interested in a woman. Subconsciously, she notices these gestures and remains in the group until such attention flatters her. A woman stands in a neutral posture, but can direct the foot toward the man who seems to her most attractive.

Feet clearly betrays male interest.

Summary

Only a few realize that in the direction of the body and the legs it is possible to determine the relationship between the interlocutors. If you want to feel comfortable with the interlocutors, use the open position in the form of a triangle. When you need to press on the interlocutor, get up to face him. The open position allows people to think and act independently, without feeling pressure. Never approach men from the front, and women from the back, try to choose more neural directions.

Recognizing the direction of the body and feet requires some practice, but very soon this skill will become familiar to you. If you learn in everyday communication to recognize and use the direction of the body and feet, as well as positive chains of gestures (open palms, bending forward, leaning your head to the side and smiling), then others will be easier and more pleasant to communicate with you, and you can influence them in self-interest.

Chapter 15. Courtship Rituals and Cues of Attraction

  Dr. Albert Sheflen, author of Body Language and Social Order, found that certain physiological changes are taking place in the body of a person entering the company of representatives of the opposite sex. Muscle tone rises, bags under the eyes decrease, the figure becomes more taut, the chest rises, the stomach tightens, the posture improves - in a word, the person immediately looks younger and more attractive. Dr. Sheflen noted that in this situation in both men and women, the gait becomes more elastic and energetic. The man emphasizes his attractiveness as a potential partner. Men straighten up, visually increasing their height, push their jaws forward and widen chest volume to look dominant. Women emphasize the chest, bow their heads to one side, begin to straighten hair, showing wrists, and in every way demonstrate submission and submission.

If you want to make sure that such observations are fair, go to the beach. Here a man and a woman meet each other. Changes in their appearance occur when they approach at a distance of sight. As soon as eye contact is lost, the posture becomes the same again.

Body language is the fundamental basis of the ritual of courtship, because gestures and movements immediately make people around you understand how accessible, attractive and sexy we are. Some of these signals are studied everywhere and may be conscious. Others, similar to those we have just talked about, are completely unconscious. How we internalize these signals is unclear, but research shows that many of them are innate.

The presence of a colorful male

  In most mammals, males look more colorful, which helps them to attract the attention of less colorful females. In humans, everything happens quite the opposite. Over the centuries, women have struggled to look more sexually attractive. They dressed up in beautiful clothes, decorated themselves with jewels, painted their faces. The only exception is the XVI-XVII centuries, when men began to wear magnificent wigs and incredible costumes. Women in that period were far from them. It should not be forgotten that if women dressed and adorned themselves in order to attract the attention of men, then men did the same to emphasize their own status or to intimidate their enemies. Today, this old tradition is being revived, and a man dressed as a peacock is no longer a rarity. Football players are painted and do a manicure, the wrestlers dye their hair. In the US, a new breed of men - metrosexuals. These are heterosexual men who replicate women's standards of behavior. Such a man does manicure and pedicure, dyes his hair, fashionably dresses, likes to soak in the jacuzzi, eats organic vegetarian food, makes himself Botox injections to get rid of wrinkles, and is always aware of the latest fashion trends. Most ordinary men metrosexuals seem strange. Observations show that metrosexuals can be divided into three categories: homosexuals, feminine men and men who understand that the assimilation of traditionally feminine standards of behavior gives them the opportunity to get acquainted with a huge number of women.

Graham's Story

  Graham has developed in himself a skill that a great many men passionately dream of.

He comes to parties and receptions, quickly identifies all available women, makes a choice, makes an acquaintance in a record short time, leaves the woman who is interested in him, escorts her to his car and brings him home. Sometimes Graham manages to do this several times in the evening. It seems that a special radar is built into it, which allows to clearly determine the availability of a woman, and then convince her to spend the evening with him. No one knew how Graham did it.

Analyzing animal rituals, zoologists and behaviorists found that males and females use a number of signals and gestures that are obvious and not very much, and for the most part do so unconsciously. In the animal world, the courting ritual within each species takes place according to predetermined rules. For example, in birds, males revolve around females, scream, spread feathers and make complex movements, similar to dance. Males do their best to attract the attention of the female, but she doesn’t even turn her head towards them. This ritual is very reminiscent of the beginning of courtship in humans.

In the human world, flirting includes sequences of gestures and expressions that are very reminiscent of the marriage dances of birds and the rituals of other animals. You must have seen something similar on television in programs devoted to the wild.

The bottom line is that when a person wants to attract the attention of the opposite sex, he does this by emphasizing sexual differences. If we want to get rid of obsessive attention, then we begin to hide and hide these differences.

Emphasizing sexual differences helps a person to look sexy.

First, Graham sought out women who had sent accessibility signals, and then responded to their signals with gestures of male courtship. Interested women sent the appropriate signals, that is, allowed Graham to proceed to the next stage.

The success of a woman in personal relationships is most directly related to her ability to send men the signals of courtship and correctly recognize the response. The success of a man depends on the ability to recognize the signals sent to him and only then take his own actions. Most women perfectly recognize the signals of courtship, but men are much less susceptible, if not completely blind. That is why many men find it difficult to find potential partners. It is also difficult for women to find a suitable partner, but not because of not being able to recognize the signals of courtship, but rather because men do not meet their high requirements.

Graham knew perfectly well what to look for. Not surprisingly, women considered him sexy, manly, irresistible. “Next to him, I feel like a real woman,” said his girlfriends. So they reacted to his attention and the signals of courtship, which he generously used. Men considered Graham to be aggressive, insincere, arrogant. Such was their reaction to the preference which women clearly gave to Graham. It is not surprising that Graham had few male friends - what kind of man would tolerate the presence of a potential rival next to him. In this chapter, we will talk about the female signals that Graham so deftly recognized and the signals of the body language that he used in response.

Why do women always play first violin

  Ask any man who should take the first step in the courtship ritual, and he will answer that this role belongs to men. However, all studies suggest otherwise. Women are the initiators of flirting in 90% of cases. They do this with the help of subtle body language signals sent to the men who are interested in them, and they hope that the men will be sensitive enough to recognize them. Of course, there are men who approach women in bars and clubs, not waiting for the "green light", but despite the fact that some of them manage to find partners, general statistics show that the success rate is very, very low. Such men are not invited, they just play for good luck.

In the process of courtship, the first violin is usually played by a woman. A man has to dance to her music.

If a man discovers that his advances have remained unanswered, he pretends that he wants to talk on abstract topics: “You are working for the National Bank, aren't you?”, “Are you not related to John Smith?” In order to succeed in ritual courtship on such conditions, a man has to turn to a lot of women before someone responds to his call, if, of course, he does not have the appearance of Brad Pitt. Any man who crosses a room to talk to a woman usually does this by catching body language signals she sends. It seems to him that it is he who takes the first step, since it is he who goes to her, and not vice versa. But the initiators of 90% of the cases of courtship were women. They did it so subtly that it seemed to men that the initiative came entirely from them.

Differences between men and women

Men find it difficult to recognize the subtle signals of the female body language. Studies show that men often mistakenly take a friendly smile for sexual interest. This is because men perceive the world more sexually than women. The level of testosterone in the male body is 10-20 times higher than in the female.

When a lady says no, a man hears "maybe." When a lady says "maybe", the man hears "yes." But if a lady says yes, she is not a lady.

Encountering a potential partner, a woman sends light, but sometimes deceptive, signals of courtship to check whether this man is worth hunting. Women bombard men with signals of courtship from the first minute of the meeting. Men very often do not understand such signals and make stupid mistakes. By sending a multitude of dual signals in the early stages of courtship, women manipulate men to reveal the cards. That is why many women find it so difficult to attract the attention of men: they get entangled in their signals and do not dare to approach.

Ride the chair.

Hundreds of years ago, men used shields to protect themselves from the peak and spears of the enemy. Today, a civilized man uses everything that is at hand to symbolically protect himself when he is under a possible physical or verbal attack. This could include, for example, a person standing behind a fence, at a wicket, at a table. This is the person who uses the open door of the car, and the person sitting astride a chair (Fig. 91). The back of the chair is a shield to cover the body. And such protection transforms a person sitting on a chair into an aggressive warrior. Most people who sit astride a chair are by their nature dominant individuals, and they try to take control of other people or a group of people when they become bored during a conversation, while the back of the chair serves as a good defense against any attack from others. group members. Often these people are very cautious and saddle the chair almost unnoticed.

Fig. 91. The man who rode the chair

The easiest way to disarm such a person is to stand or sit behind him, so he will feel that his back is defenseless, and this will cause him to change his position. Accordingly, it becomes less aggressive. This method works very well in groups, because the person sitting astride a chair has a naked back. This causes him to change his position sooner or later.

But how will you cope with a man who sits astride a rotating chair, and with whom you are talking alone? Trying to reason with it is useless, especially when it rotates on this carousel, and therefore the best wired in this case will be a non-verbal attack. Continue your conversation, but at the same time, stand a little above the other person and look down on him. It is desirable to move within his personal territory. This is very confusing rider, and he may even fall from his chair, trying to maintain his position.

If you know that one of these riders should come to you today, whose aggressive behavior annoys you, try to prepare for this visit in advance and seat him on a non-rotating chair or chair that has armrests so that he cannot take his favorite position.

Removal of imaginary threads from clothes.

When a person does not share a common opinion, or he has some other attitude to events that is different from everyone in the group, but at the same time he feels some awkwardness in expressing his opinion, he makes certain gestures, which are usually called embarrassment gestures. They occur because a person does not express his opinion out loud. One of these very common gestures is an attempt to remove the invisible thread or feather from clothes. Usually, a person looks not into the eyes of other members of the group, but at the floor.

Fig. 92. The man who removes the imaginary thread.

This is one of the most common signals of disapproval or condemnation, and when the listener constantly removes the imaginary thread from the clothes, it serves as an excellent indicator that he does not like what was said, although in words he can completely agree with everything.

If you see that your listener is making this gesture, then the best thing you can do is open your palms and say: "What do you think about this?", Or - "It seems to me that you have some thoughts for that matter. Can you give them to me? " Lie back, spread your arms so that your palms are visible, and wait for an answer. If the listener says that he fully agrees with you, but continues to remove the thread from the clothes, then perhaps. You will need a more direct approach to it in order to detect a hidden objection.

MOVEMENT HEAD.

This book will be incomplete if we do not discuss the basic movements of the head. The two most common are the shaking of the head and the nod. The nod is a positive gesture and in most countries means "yes" or a statement. Studies conducted with people who were deaf-and-dumb from birth showed that they also use this gesture to show agreement. From this arose a theory that perhaps this gesture is innate. Shaking

heading, which usually means “no,” is also considered by some scholars to be a congenital gesture. However, others say that this is the first gesture that a person learns. These scientists believe that when a newborn baby has eaten enough milk, he shakes his head from side to side in order to abandon his mother's breast. Small children who have eaten enough also shake their heads from side to side so that their parents do not put a spoon in their mouths.

One of the easiest ways to detect a disguised objection when you speak to a person is to look at him, and if he shakes his head from side to side and says “yes” in words, then believe this movement with his head. For example, a person says: "Yes, I see what you mean" or, for example, the phrase: "I really like working here." Or: "We will really do this after Christmas." At the same time, he shakes his head from side to side. Even if he speaks very convincingly in words, shaking his head signals that he has some negative attitude, and I would advise you not to believe what he is saying, but try to ask him more in detail.

The main provisions of the head.

The first is that the head is slightly raised (Fig.93). This position is usually occupied by a person who has a neutral attitude towards what he hears. The head usually remains calm at the same time, and only sometimes it makes small nods of the head. In this position, the hand to cheek gesture, that is, the assessment gesture, is often used.

When the head is slightly tilted to one side, it means that the person showed interest.

Charles Darwin was one of the first people to notice that people, like animals, tilt their heads in one direction when they are interested in something. If you are talking about a new product or just give a speech, always look at your audience and try to find out if anyone has made such a gesture. When

You will see that your listeners have tilted to the side of the head and, as it were, leaned forward a little, using the “hand to the chin” gesture, that is, the assessment gesture, it means that you are gaining points.

Fig. 93. Neutral position of the head.

Women often use such a gesture to show that they are interested in a man. When you talk with other people and at the same time are a listener, in order to put the speaker to yourself, all you need to do is to tilt your head a little to the side and nod from time to time.

When the head is lowered, it indicates that the attitude is negative and even very critical (Fig. 95). Critical assessment gestures are usually accompanied by a bowed head, and as long as you do not force a person to raise his head or bow it, you will have problems with communication. If you become a lecturer, you will often be able to see the audience, all the members of which sit with their heads bowed and their arms crossed. Professional lecturers usually do something before the lecture in order to engage the audience in any action. This is done with the Purpose of making all people raise their heads. If this idea is possible, then the next gesture of the entire audience will be to tilt the head slightly to the side.

Gesture "both hands are thrown behind the head."

This gesture is typical for representatives of such professions as accountants, lawyers, salespeople,

bank managers and, in general, people who feel confident or superior to anything.

Fig.95. The situation, speaking of a disapproving situation.

If we could read the thought of such a person, then, most likely, at this moment he thinks the following: "I have an answer for everything" or "maybe someday you will be the same as me" or "all in okay, I’ll control everything. " This gesture is also used by know-it-alls, and it annoys so many people when an interlocutor suddenly throws his hands behind his head. Out of habit, lawyers use this gesture in front of their colleagues in order to talk about their control of the situation. This may also be a sign of territorial affiliation, that is, a person seems to have staked out a particular place behind him. Man in pic 96 besides the fact that he threw his hands behind his head, he also crossed his legs in the shape of a four, which suggests that he not only feels superior, but also wants to argue very much.

There are several ways to cope with people who use this gesture. It all depends on the situation. If you want to understand the reason for this attitude of your interlocutor, then lean towards him a little, open your palms and say: "It seems to me that you all know about this, would you agree to tell me something else?", And then lie back, leaving palm in sight, and wait for an answer. Another way is to force a person to change his position, which, ultimately, will lead to a change in his attitude towards you. For example, you

you can put any item, but so that he did not reach out to him, and ask: "Have you seen this?"

Fig. 96. Maybe someday you will be as smart as me.

This will make him lean forward slightly. To cope with such a person, you can also copy this gesture. If you want to show that you agree with the interlocutor, all you need is to copy his gestures.

On the other hand, if a person who lays his hands behind his head, reproaches you with something, then by copying his gestures, you, thereby, make him a little afraid. For example, two lawyers will use this gesture in the presence of each other (Fig. 97) in order to show equality and full agreement. But a naughty schoolboy will only make his headmaster angry if he puts his hands behind his head in the headmaster’s office.

The origin of this gesture is unknown, but it is very likely that the hands are used as a headrest of the chair in which the person lies and relaxes.

Studies have shown that in one insurance company, 27 out of 30 managers used this gesture constantly in the presence of traveling salesmen or their subordinates, but they rarely used it in the presence of their superiors. When they found themselves in the company of their superiors, they used, as a rule, Gestures about their submission, and gestures of protection.

Fig. 97. I am just as smart as you.